September 11, 2015 § 1 Comment
Amazon is being such a dick. Every book in my ‘recommended for you’ section is a self-help book. Which is total bullshit because I’ve never even bought a self-help book.
Arrested Development Narrator Voice: She had, in fact, purchased several.
But this seemed important to Amazon so I decided to read a few. Only I didn’t really. But I did skim the descriptions and I think I got the gist.
Before I continue let me ask you something, are you ready to change your life? But are you? But are you really…? Don’t you fucking lie to me. If not, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
For those of you who have chosen to stay think of me as your therapist, only a lot less helpful. Maybe I’m not the best person to be handing out advice since I might be a sociopath and I for sure have a drinking problem but most likely your problems are self-imposed and largely meaningless, so it’s fine.
Plus, I’m CPR certified.
I’ve paraphrased everything these books had to offer in a list below because who the fuck is going to read multiple sentences if they’re not broken up by numbers?
Amazon, What’s Good?
- “Feeling emotions is what makes life rich.” – Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence
I hate everything about this advice because life has taught me to pour vodka on my feelings but maybe Daniel-san is on to something. Let’s at least give him a try. I suggest you start by upping your emoji to word ratio, one emoji for every five words. After that, work your way to bursting into tears every time you make eye contact with a stranger.
Art is also a great way to express yourself. Here’s a recent piece of mine that really helped me work through some shit:
*potential buyers feel free to contact me directly
2. “Sexual experience and satisfaction are closely correlated with overall quality of life.” – Pamela Rogers, MS, PhD
Doctor-science person has prescribed getting your fuck on. The pathway to happiness is through your genitals. Women, to get intercoursed – go outside. Men, swipe right forever. It’s a numbers game.
Fun DIY project: take all those used condoms, dry and press them, just as you would flowers, and keep them in a beautiful guys-who’ve-been-inside-me scrapbook. #memories
3. “Find yourself a manic pixie girl” – Not in a Book
Find yourself a magical child-lady. Make sure she’s wearing the type of dress traditionally seen on paper dolls. She needs to have bangs, thick rimmed glasses and be extremely uncomfortable saying the word penis. Once you find her, hold on tight because you’re about to montage your way to happiness!
4. “Act like a lady. Think like a man.” – Steve Hardy, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
I tried real hard to focus my lady-brain but it kept confusing Steve Hardy’s advice for sexist, homophobic and intolerant rants but since there weren’t any men around to explain it to me I decided to take a nap and when I woke up I felt better because naps have a way of doing that. So in the end I think the real take-away was – naps over everything.
But on a more serious note, fuck Steve Hardy. Fuck him on the title alone.
5. “Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” – Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
The now part of this really stuck out to me because it was in all caps. This guy gets it, leave the multi-tasking to the psychos who actually enjoy 69-ing. And don’t dwell on the past either. Nostalgia is a dirty bitch. Nostalgia will trick you into missing your ex by reminding you of the good times instead of that time he farted in the shower. Seeing a naked person release poop-air without the protection of pants is truly traumatizing. So my point was… oh yeah, stay present.
6. “Be proactive.” – Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
A major part of having a successful life is having great skin. So use Proactiv, get famous, then be Proactiv. It worked for P Diddy, Katy Perry and Lilo.
7. “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive” – Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People
That makes no sense. There is no possible way to interpret that.
8. This Youtube clip from Bojack Horseman – Not Even a Book
By far the best (and maybe only) advice in this post. Watch this show.
You’re welcome, people I’ve profoundly inspired. You’re beautiful and wonderful & I love you. Amen.
And Then You Die
June 21, 2015 § 2 Comments
Originally written for Good Morning! Good Morning!:
Once upon a time there was a woman who was poor as shit. She was so poor she snacked exclusively on diner-ganked saltine crackers smothered in grape jelly. She accepted date invites so she could do fun things like eat food. Despite her destitute she thrived. Except replace “thrived” with “didn’t die”. And now she wants to help you also not die and live the rest of your dumb life as a not-dead-person.
So listen up snake people because class is in session.
Trapped in the Closet
Some people might tell you it’s a good idea to buy cheap clothing. Fuck those people. They’ve obviously been deeply hurt and want to pass that hurt on. Don’t fall victim.
Instead subscribe to the “Your Thing” method. Start by picking “your thing”. Is it shoes? Jeans? Satin flight suits? Whatever it is, don’t cheap on it. Treat it as if you birthed it, fed it with your nipples and let it live rent free well into its twenties. Do this and you’ll end up saving money as demonstrated by the maths below.
Basic Fucking Economics
Forever 21 Purse You Convince Yourself You Love ($28)/ Number of Times Used (2) = $14 per wear
Louis Vuitton Purse You Actually Love ($1,400) / Number of Times Used (Infinite) = Basically Free
Now here’s the caveat, if you’re super broke you only get ONE thing. If you’re kinda broke you get TWO. For all other articles of clothing, I’m sorry child, but cuts must be made: sale, consignment or not at all. Avoid pitfalls by never shopping with the feels.Retail therapy is a rich people sport. Broke-asses must find validation elsewhere.
Other things you should never cheap on: plastic surgery, lawyers, tattoo artists.
Fun-Size Your Space
You don’t need half the shit you think you do. Clear out your closet. SELL! SELL! SELL! It’s a bitch. It’s time consuming. But you can make a seriously average amount of cash. And if you are paying out money every month to keep an offsite storage unit full of shit you don’t use. Think about that for a second. Yes, I agree with you. You’re being a butt-plug*. Get rid of it. All of it.
*No shade to BPs.
You Are Not Gwyneth Paltrow
The good news is that you are not Gwyneth Paltrow. The bad news is that you don’t get to hydrate like her. You don’t get to buy water bottles infused with locally sourced dandelions, humanely raised lemon peels and third-world tears. No bottled water. No, not even when you are in a foreign country. Embrace the diarrhea.
And do not under any circumstances drink Fiji water. Never, ever, ever. Fiji water is the anti-Christ. Read up on it here – FIJI WATER IS THE ANTI-CHRIST
Fuck Your FOMO, Embrace the FOGO
When your bank account reaches Sad Keanu status the best plan is no plan. Stay in and watch the money pile up. Agoraphobia is so hot right now. Yes, your Instagram account will suffer, but who knows? This whole experience could really turn you on to a hangover free lifestyle.
Ask and You Shall Receive
If you think you should be making more money, ask for it. There’s a good chance you’ll get it. If not, be better at your job.
Other General Broke-Ass Rules
- Never pay someone to do something you can do yourself. Convenience is a luxury you can’t afford.
- Valet? Nope, you’re walking.
- Dry cleaning? Welcome to your grunge phase.
- Unsubscribe from any emails tempting you to buy junk you don’t need.
- Automatic payments: make sure you are actually using the services you are getting charged for. Note: Amazon Prime – totally worth it.
Repeat after me: Uber over cabs. Airbnb before hotels. Trader Joe’s for life.
Karma is Real
Give back where you can. If you can’t donate money, donate your time. You’ll be surprised what the world gives you in return.
This is the price you pay to get your shit together. But, trust, if you follow this advice you’ll be pissing money out your pee-hole (metaphorically speaking). And when that happens, make sure you don’t backslide. Don’t spend your hard-saved money like a dummy. Spend your money where it counts. Invest in your goals.
Also, be a good person, hi-five strangers, save the pandas. Good luck out there!
The Oprah of Broke
September 9, 2014 § 7 Comments
I am a feminist. I support any and all efforts to create a society where the social, political and economic rights of women are equal to that of men. The reason I start with that declaration is because I could see how a woman expecting a man to purchase the first round of beverages could be interpreted as a bit sexist. And in a way it is, but in another way I don’t give a shit.
Also, I think it’s important to recognize feminism can come in many different forms, which is why I promise to revisit my stance on this subject once the 30% pay gap is closed.
Some men may be hesitant to buy a lady a drink. Maybe they think thirsty bitches (their words not mine) will take them for everything they got, one pinot grigio at a time. Usually these are the same men who use a woman’s every move as an excuse to talk to her. Call me old fashioned, but I’d be much more likely to talk to a fella who bought me a drink. Call me old fashioned, but I’d judge the fuck out of one who didn’t. Maybe that’s just me?
Anywho let’s get started:
#1 Googly Eyes
Googly eyes is when you hold the gaze of your selected dude a moment longer than the socially accepted standard. I’m sure the majority of you are now eye rolling like you’re stuck in gif purgatory. Well, duh right? It seems like a total no-brainer but, like a lot of things in life, timing is key. To demonstrate the perfect amount of time I’m going to use a visual metaphor, because that’s how my mind works, like an illiterate child’s.
Imagine you are hiking, and you approach a field of wildflowers. There in the close distance you spot the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen, a young fawn. It senses your presence. Its head pops up. Its eyes focus on yours, long enough for one exhale, long enough for your souls to merge. You blink and you’re back in the bar. Your fawn is now a girl. She smiles. She turns back to her friends.*
#1 Section 2 – The Bar is a Safe Place
What if you gave him the perfect amount of googly eyes and he’s still not approaching? Well there may be a few variables working against you. Are you in a co-ed group? Are there any girls with resting bitch face? If your male of choice is introverted, these factors may give him room for pause. Which means you’re going to have to lure him to the bar. The bar is a safe place. In order to do this you must slam your drink, separate yourself from the group and head to the bar, and while en route you give him a look.
And now we wait…
Ninety-eight percent of the time your selected dude will just happen to also need a refill and will just happen to saddle up right next to you at the bar. Oh hai, fancy meeting you here.
The two percent that don’t respond to this move are either not interested in females or taken. And it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not as long as you believe it. That’s the beauty of delusion.
#2 Fake Bachelorette Party
Give a group of women the license to ‘let loose’ and you will get a drunken tidal wave of the horniest, sloppiest, screechiest girls imaginable. But you don’t have to wait for an actual bachelorette party to enjoy a penis-themed night of semi-questionable decisions.
How to throw a fake bachelorette party:
You’ll need a group of girls, a boa and/or tiara, and of course some penis-shaped items. Then choose your bachelorette. I suggest switching off. Because here’s a fun fact – guys want what they can’t have (what?? groundbreaking isn’t it??!) which means the “bachelorette” will get hit on ten times more than everyone else. Regardless of who is playing the part. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, people.
Now all other party participants choose an alias and make up an awesome backstory. You can be whoever you want. Why? Cause bullshitting strangers is fun! Although I’d avoid accents. Once you get drunk it’s hard to maintain consistency.
- Pros: no lines for you, lots of free shots, role playing awesomeness
- Cons: too many free shots
#3 Let’s Make a Deal
You’re at the bar. The bartender is busy. Everyone impatiently tries to get his/her attention. You and the dude next to you share a ‘god-this-is-so annoying’ look. You say, ‘Hey dude, let’s make a deal. You get his attention first, put in an order for me. If I get his attention I’ll put in your order.” Now you simply avoid eye contact with the bartender. Dude orders for you. You offer dude money. Dude says no cause his mama raised him right. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.
#4 I’ve Never Had That
You overhear a dude’s order. It sounds delicious. You say, ‘Is that good? I’ve never had that.’ Dude can’t believe you’ve never had (drink you’ve totally had). Dude insist he get you one. Dude says, ‘bartender make it two’. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.
#5 Game on bitch
Challenge him. Guys are competitive by nature. If there is a game nearby, most likely it’ll be darts. Approach him and say, “Hey, you up for a game? Loser buys drinks.” Then you just have to win. I kid, I kid, you don’t have to win. 90% of dudes are chivalrous enough to insist on purchasing the round regardless of the outcome. The other 10% are too short sighted to see the big picture win.
#6 Seem Really Bored
Guys love to swoop in and rescue a bored lil’ lady.
#7 Have Fun
Guys love to swoop in on a super fun lady.
#8 You Approach Him
I know, I know. Guys love a chase. Guys love girls who never give them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve been caught. I know that shit works but I also know it’s exhausting.
Which is why I’m a much bigger fan of the approach him method. There is a special power in not giving a shit. In walking straight up to a dude, tapping him on the shoulder and saying, ‘excuse me sir but I really like your face and well…buy me a drink or lose me forever.’
99.9983% of the time, that works every time. I picked up my dude in this very fashion which is why whenever he says something along the lines of ‘you are a crazy person,’ I retort with, ‘AH-DOYYY, pretty sure you knew that when you met me.’
But if that’s not your style then here are some more subtle approaches:
Ask for his expert opinion: Cheesy and transparent when guys use this approach but roles reversed, extremely effective. Guys are natural problem solvers, it plays to their ego. Start in with something like, ‘I’m sorry, this is so dumb, but my friend and I are having an argument and you look like someone who might know something about (insert anything this dude could have an opinion about).
Compliment him: Girls are constantly on the defense about compliments because they are used to getting hit on. Guys on the other hand are usually genuinely flattered. ‘Hi. You are very handsome.’ Thatsssss it.
Fall for him: Or rather into him. This is a total grade school move, but by god if it doesn’t work. Your friend pushes you, you trip, you accidentally hit him with your purse, any of those things. And then you’re like, ‘oh no, I’m so sorry. Are you ok? Did I spill on you? Bee-tee-dubs I’m Jamie.‘
Drop something: Yup, I said it. Go ahead and pull the most classic and utterly offensive of all female tropes – the damsel in distress. “Whoopsies, I dropped my purse. Oh no, it spilt everywhere. What’s a girl to do?” I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t put this out there in the world if it weren’t so astonishingly effective.
Say pretty much anything: Unless you say something horrifyingly creepy, what you say upon approaching really doesn’t matter that much. You have a vagina, remember? Here’s an example, ‘Excuse me, do you have a cat?‘ No, why? ‘Cause I’m allergic to cats so that would be a deal breaker. Hi, I’m Jamie.”
End of Lesson One
In all honesty, I feel real shitty about writing this post. Not only do I feel like I just set feminism back fifty years but these games we play with the opposite sex, although very very fun, they’re kind of assholey. But in my defense I never said I was a good person…
I Regret Nothing:
* I’m not comparing women to underage animals. It’s just a metaphor. Don’t ruin it with your logic.
June 27, 2014 § 4 Comments
Sometimes life likes to shove it in your face that you are aging. Happy Birthday, is just another way of saying, ‘Congratulations, you got fucking older’.
I used to neglect my birthday. I’d do my best to conceal the funeral of another year gone by. And if I got my way, it would come and go without so much as an intimidate dinner. It worked for me. (I don’t need to hand over a co-pay to acknowledge avoidance is a reoccurring theme in my life.)
But my feelings on birthdays have shifted. Maybe age has given me a nugget of wisdom because I’ve started to feel that if you are fortunate enough to survive another year you should celebrate it or at the very least acknowledge it. So for the past two years instead of avoiding my birthday like an unplanned pregnancy I’ve embraced my special day of acceptable narcissism.
I faced my birthday head on. I even celebrated by doing what we were put on this green earth to do – make beautiful memories. I’m so brave.
Plus, who doesn’t love a good excuse to party? In case you need some inspiration for party themes I’d like to offer a few suggestions.
Recreate a Childhood Birthday
- A 90’s Themed Roller Skate Party
Remember back when life was simpler? When all you wanted was for your boobies to grow in and for the lights to dim so your jr. high crush could take your sweaty hand in his and pull you out onto the rink for a romantic couple skate to Extreme’s More Than Words. This was my recent birthday theme and it was awesome. Truly awesome.
- A Sleepover
Play spin the bottle. Play 7 minutes in heaven, get felt up by a cute stranger. You could even make it truly authentic by asking your mom to bust in on you mid session. That rush of guilt and shame will be truly nostalgic for any fellow recovering Catholics out there.
Pick Your Favorite Thing and Make it a Theme
My favorite thing is drinking so last year I had a Drunker Than Jamie Party. Buttons were awarded to all those who succeeded. It was very classy.
Need additional examples?
- Favorite Thing: Dumpster Diving / Party Theme: a disgusting potluck followed by an evening of food poisioning.
- Favorite Thing: Sex / Party Theme: An orgy
I think you get the picture.
Which is really just an intervention without the offer of a free vacation. This is a great way to get all party-goers involved. Everyone you love can come together to point out all your flaws and laugh in your face. Yay! Everybody win!
Other Ideas for an Unforgettable Birthday
- Someone dies (not as a theme, it just happens, people would remember that)
- Be North West
- Reenact your day of birth by crawling out of your mom’s vagina while your dad video tapes.
In Other News
This is romantic:
This is also romantic: (NSFW)
Yes I’m Drunk But I Still Think You’re Perfect:
June 11, 2014 § 2 Comments
And now, for some things:
Let the record show – I’m a fucking champion. *Licks finger, holds it against butt, makes sizzling sound*
Case in point:
Psychologist David Keirsey identifies ENFPs as “Champions,” which he suggests are rather rare. “Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out,” Keirsey suggests. “And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions.” In addition to having an abundance of enthusiasm, they also genuinely care about others.
Go onnnnn *bats eyelashes excessively*
While they are great at generating new ideas…not seeing them through to completion is a common problem. ENFPs can also become easily distracted.
You sir, should have stopped at champion. But I have to admit, it’s so on point it’s freakin’ me out. Whoever is in charge of ADD meds please mail my ration asap.
And now you – do it.
I love a good commencement speech! I love the thought of fresh grads stepping out into the world with their dewy faces and twinkling eyes. Before the panic sets in, before everything good is laced with the promise of pain. When they are still full of faith and determination that they will, someday, get to live their truths. It just fills my heart, ya know?
I guess I’ll throw in some advice for any new grads while I’m here – Treat day-to-day decisions with respect. They mean something. Nothing is isolated. They accumulate and build exponentially. They will transform you. They can lead to something great or they can cost you dearly but either way – they matter. Those seemingly insignificant moments add up to a lifetime. Your lifetime. Remember that. Pay attention to your choices. Pay attention to your life. Time is the only currency worth worshipping.
And Lastly: This Goat with Sweet-Ass Parkour Moves
Sick to Death of Looking at Pretty:
May 30, 2014 § 2 Comments
Tom Cruise Wants To Go On a Date With You, He Isn’t Your Type But He Wins You Over With His Charm
Tom Cruise Makes You Laugh, You Try Not To Get Attached But You Can’t Help It, There’s Just Something About Him
Tom Cruise Makes You Feel Like Maybe This Love Thing Isn’t All BS
Tom Cruise Gives You Butterflies, Starts to Make You Feel Whole
Tom Cruise Introduces You as His Girlfriend
Tom Cruise Suddenly Grows Distant, Stops Asking You How Your Day Was
Tom Cruise Gets Easily Agitated, Starts Being Critical of Your Outfits
Tom Cruise Starts Picking Fights For No Reason
Tom Cruise Comes Home Late and is Dismissive When You Ask Where He’s Been
Tom Cruise Says, It’s Over, Asks You to Leave, Says There is Nothing Left to Say
Tom Cruise Misses You, Thinks About What He Could Have Done Differently
Tom Cruise Regrets What He Said, Wants You Back Now
Tom Cruise Doesn’t Know How To Live Without You
Tom Cruise Asks Dustin Hoffman How To Win You Back
Hoffman Thinks Maybe a New Hair Style Will Work
Tom Cruise Likes All Your Posts in Hopes He’ll Get Your Attention
Tom Cruise Says, Baby, I’m Sorry, Just Give Me a Chance to Make this Right. I Can Make This Right.
Tom Cruise Seems Different This Time Around
Tom Cruise Will Never Take You For Granted Again
Tom Cruise Stretches Before He Enters You
Tom Cruise Is Now The Father of Your Babies, He’s Such a Good Dad
The End. TOM CRUISE FOR-EVA EVA AFTER
May 16, 2014 § 1 Comment
Warning: Fuckkkkk…this is depressing. This guy will break your heart. But it’s that special kind of sad, the kind you’d pay $11.25 at a movie theater to experience.
This guy…this guy, he makes you want to set out on a mission to find every person whose ever hurt him, every person whose even looked at him the wrong way and hold them hostage, forcing them to curl up next to him and gently pet his hair while whispering, ‘hey, but at least we have each other’ until he feels better. Until he’s ok and snaps out of it. Until he wants to sign up for a triathlon, get some fro-yo and then maybe go for a sunset bike ride. Sheesh, this guy…
Or maybe it’s just me?
And also, Happy Friday, m’loves :)
Stuck in a Circle Jerk of Feelings:
Find more poems here