Just Love Me

February 10, 2014 § 9 Comments

I love Valentine’s Day! I’ve always loved it, even when I was single because I could be a mess at the bar and people would just assume I was sad instead of an alcoholic.

Every year I send out Valentines to all my lovies (seriously I do) but the selection is always extremely limited. I never feel as if I can fully express myself with what’s currently out there. So I decided to make my own.

Cards By Jamie

I give a shit

STalker Valentine

Unplanned pregnancy

Sad ValentineHorrible Thing Valentine

Pay attention to me Valentine

Gummy

Jealous Ex Valentine

Stalker Valentine

Don't die Valentine

Unicorn Vagina Faces

Insulting Valentine's day cards

Raise Your Hand If You Want Relationship Advice

April 19, 2013 § 4 Comments

Something has come up that demands my attention. Apparently men and women have a history of misunderstanding each other when it comes to what they really want.  I’ve spent my life quietly observing the inner workings of both sides so I can clear things up.

Women – want to be with someone who will buy them things, play with their hair and tell them they are pretty.

Men – want a close loving relationship with someone who is hot and will leave them the fuck alone.

Both – want someone who is good in bed.

I’m pretty sure that right there just qualified me to be a marriage and family counselor. Which is a career I totally respect but would never do. Only because I’d rather spend my day listening to a baby monitor in my own little corner of hell than spend the day listening to other people’s relationship problems.

Dysfunctional is the new functional. Problem solved. I’m glad I could help.

Which reminds me, can we talk about something else now?

You Had Me At…Nevermind:

Say Anything Boombox

Couple fighting

Laying in bed

Guy vs. Girl

Getting Flowers

Guy yelling

Ballet Couple

Little Kids Fighting

Hugging Hard

Cute couple posing

You Get What You Fucking Give

Here’s To You San Francisco

March 1, 2013 § 8 Comments

I’m crazy about this town.

San Francisco: where the streets smell of pot, where you can say ‘hella’ without judgement, where my bestie lives and where I’ll be this weekend.

I hope your weekend is filled with smooshy love stuff and awesomely good weirdness! XO

Everyone Should Be Allowed To Love Two Cities, Their Own And San Francisco*

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And wherever you are my loves:

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* – Gene Fowler

Le Love

February 14, 2013 § 4 Comments

Welcome to my most favoritest poem ever:

i carry your heart with me

By E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Happy Valentine’s Day Loves:

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The season's must-have silhouette.

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The 10 Guys You Date Before ‘The One’

February 6, 2013 § 5 Comments

  1. The guy who is into you way more than you are into him but you date anyway because all of your friends have boyfriends.
  2. The guy who is into you until you are into him (one minute he ignores you and the next he is obsessed). Then you eventually realize this game of ‘playing hard to get’ is really just a game of ‘how long can I string this bitch along’.
  3. The guy who fits the description of everything you thought you wanted and forces you to realize that maybe ‘Ivy League, Sucks The Fun Out Of the Room And Wears A Sweater Vest Non-Ironically’ isn’t your thing after all.
  4. The guy who you know is all wrong for you and could even pass as homeless (in a hot way) but you have fun together so you decide you are going to ride it out till it ‘stops being fun’ or until he sells all of his personal belongings and buys a one way ticket to the Republic of Congo.
  5. The guy who you think is your soul mate until you sober up.
  6. The guy who is in the boy band or who was on that one season of Real World or who used to date Mischa Barton or who has some other low grade ‘claim to fame’.
  7. The guy who you think is really deep but then turns out to be a complete sociopath. (Usually the same guy who is suspiciously “independently wealthy”)
  8. The guy who turns you into the type of girl who goes through her boyfriend’s phone.
  9. The guy who has cancer, is currently going through chemo and has one leg.
  10. And most likely you’ll repeat dating a few of these cause even if you are a genius, we’re all pretty stupid.

Then eventually you’ll date, the guy who makes you realize you’ve never properly been loved until you were loved by him AKA ‘The One’.

Don’t You Fucking Dare Friend Request Me:

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Somebody That I Used To Know

January 3, 2013 § 2 Comments

A friend of mine recently threw a dinner party where not only one but two of her ex’s were in attendance. The only thing I could reason was, that sneaky little hooker must be planning some sort of ambush or at the very least an intervention. All night I waited for the drama to unfold. Only it didn’t. I was mildy disgusted at how smoothly the whole thing went.

For the most part I try not to stay in contact with anyone whose ever broken my heart. It’s kind of a rule of mine. Thinking back on those moments together gives me an overall sense of ickiness I can only really compare to walking through spiderwebs.

I just don’t see the point in keeping friendships like that. My thought is, if you can stay friends with an ex; either you aren’t really friends or that’s all you ever were. It took me a long time but I finally realized some bridges are worth burning. It was a different life. A different me.

Sure I can say, I’m glad it all happened. I learned a very valuable lesson from the countless hours I spent giving a f*ck but we all know that’s bullshit. If I could completely erase every memory, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. I’m not that sentimental.

Good Luck With Your Face:

Erase Memory

Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson

Will Arnett

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Bore Me More

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake

Oscar Wilde

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We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

Adele

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