December 31, 2013 § 7 Comments
NYE is here! And I for one am stoked. Teary eyed dreamers often think of NYE as a send off for all the old shitty stuff and a welcoming party for what hopefully won’t be a year of soul decaying boredom. To celebrate it’s tradition to get shit faced and open mouth kiss each other. But here’s the thing, all those drinks can leave you waking up with the dreaded ‘next day’ feeling. So to help you avoid starting your new year in a shame spiral I’d like to offer some advice.
Bitches Be Advisin’
1. Say No to Snapchats
Dear Drunk Girl: Stop. Please, I beg of you. Do not press send. No good can come of this.
This…this is not a good look. Trust.
2. Tacos Give Me a Lady Boner
A liquid diet may seem like a savvy way to save calories but it’s an express train to vom-town. Or to put it another way, eat food because puking is never hot.
3. Hide How Trashed You are by Shutting Your Trap
Mix in a little vodka and the next thing you know you are one sassy lady. Mix in a tad too much and you are one sassy lunatic. See the difference? I love you but for your own good, ‘Shhhh…don’t ruin it. No one hates you yet.’
4. Feelings are a No-No
As a girl I know first hand, feelings are the worst. So if you start to feel the tingle of feelings, repeat after me: You can’t hurt me cause I’m already dead inside. If that doesn’t work find yourself a secret crying place and stay away from razor blades.
5. Stranger Danger
Do your best to avoid intercourse with strangers. A drunk weirdo that claims to like all the same stupid crap you like does not a soul mate make.
Lastly if you wake up on Wednesday to find that you failed to follow my advice. Here’s something to help put things into perspective.
You will fucking die some day.
So really who cares. These things matter the least. My real advice to you is do whatever the hell makes you happy. Unless it’s murdering people. Don’t do that.
And like I always say, what I do drunk is none of my business. What I mean by that is, don’t you dare try to fill me in. It’s called black out for a reason.
A Little Party Never Killed Nobody: