How To Be a Writer

May 15, 2014 § 3 Comments

And Other Life Lessons from Someone Who Is Only Barely Keeping It Together:
  •  Drink a lot. Drink till you strong-arm strangers into letting you give them piggy back rides and then you fall down and skin your knee and now your jeans have a hole in them.
  • Be existential to the point where it stifles your ability to have a conversation that doesn’t loop back to space and / or death. 
  • Watch people interact and make up backstories about their lives, previous lives and any future lives. 
  • Be an above average failer. Fail and fail again. And every time you fall off course, reassure yourself by convincing yourself ‘this is your path.’ Because it is. 
  • Be super broke all the time. Money is for people who want to buy things. 
  • Over-analyze everything. Cause who needs sleep?
  • Really care about what others think of you, even people you’ve never met.
  • Be in touch with your emotions. I like to do my crying during my daily commute to and from work. Thank god for LA traffic or I’d never find the time.
  • Read. Seriously. If books ever die I’ll be sad forever.
  • Be around whatever / whoever makes your heart go boom.
  • Don’t edit. People are always more than happy to point out your grammar mistakes. It would be cruel to take that away from them.
  • Think about shit. Like why hasn’t anyone update the keyhole? It seems like a pretty easy thing to do yet it’s been completely overlooked. Remember in Back to the Future II when she just scanned her thumb print? This world needs updated keyholes, less guns and, like, at least 10 times more shaved ice shops. 
  • Resolve to live in gratitude rather than regret. Don’t fall victim to the past or be a slave to the future. Now, is where it’s at.
  • Fuel the fuck up. 5-hour energy. Coffee SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS. I like to be cracked out to the point of WebMDing chest pains. (That’s for script writing. For blog stuff I prefer wine till I’m red in the teeth and crying at Youtube videos.)
  • Own your uniqueness. There’s a fine line between masturbating about yourself and completely turning your back on that magical sparkle that makes you you. Find that special place, nestle in and pay rent until you can afford a down payment on the mortgage there.
  • Draw strength from your spirit animal. Be it a lion, a shark or a butterfly.
  • Live life like it’s a god damn fairy tale. Even when it’s not. Even when it’s super shit. Because even when it’s super shit you’re still not dead. And that’s something right?
  • And lastly – write. It’s been said before but it’s worth repeating, you can’t be a writer if you’re not writing. You can’t even call yourself a writer if you’re not writing. Those are the rules. I didn’t make them, I just try to abide by them. And I advise you to do the same, my fellow writers, write the shit out of whatever the fuck you’re writing. I support you.

Ok, I think were done here. But also, I recommend you print this, fold it pamphlet style and keep it somewhere handy. Love you like a love song.

Oh one more thing, I liked this – Abandoned places around the world.

But This Wind Machine Is Just a Fan?

Underwater Photography

water photography / inspiration lush

Walking Through Water / Inspiration Lush

Underwater Photography

Underwater Photography

Underwater Photography

Cannon ball / inspiration lush

Bike in water / inspiration lush

Happily Drowning / Inspiration Lush

Drain / Water Photography / Inspiration Lush

I Genuinely Have Nothing to Say

March 6, 2014 § 8 Comments

But I don’t know. I just missed you guys, I guess.

So little to say…maybe I shouldn’t have even written this post?

I did, though.

I'm so bored gif

Ok, here’s the plan. We drink. And that’s the plan.

So, m’babes, let’s get together and pop open a bottle of wine. Just grab your Caloric Cuvee glass. Oh? You don’t have one?

Don’t touch me. Monster.

Fine. I’ll introduce you. Behold – the Caloric Cuvee wine glass. LOOK AT IT!

Caloric Cuvee

Maybe you should take a closer look. ENHANCE. ENHANCE. ENHANCE. And I’ll add a tiny model! Ok, now look!

Caloric Cuvee

You can fill it to the calorie marks, super helpful, or you can fill it so high that the feelings you usually reserve for your dream journal spill out into real life.

Pre-tay sweet. And I’m not just saying that cause this super cool company sent me some free shit. I am not above selling out. Trust. But these glasses are actually freakin’ adorable. And you can totally get in on this. Just leave a comment below letting me know why wine is your favorite beverage. And if it isn’t, lie.

Then I’ll choose my favorite (sexual favors encouraged) and Caloric Cuvee will send you a free glass to call your own. Boo-ya! Biz-natches! Don’t say I never gave you anything. AND EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!

Now look at the pictures.

Someone Buy My Blog…

Hi Five

Yay!

laying in the street

Champagne in the street

jumping on the bed

confetti

double fisting it

Dog with sunglasses

In bed

Relaxing in this tree

Wine boobs

Wine Glass

I Guess I Write Poems Now?

September 17, 2013 § 4 Comments

A lil’ something from yours truly about (surprise surprise) drinking…


When We Were Thirst-ay

Here’s to the nights we drank liquor out of plastic bottles
When pre-drinking was a necessity due to maxed out credit cards
When we considered drinking in the shower a savvy way to multi-task
When push-up bras and cleavage were our most fashionable accessory
When our mandatory dress codes included high heels and liquid coats

Here’s to long bathroom lines in loud dingy bars
When we hovered over wet toilet seats filled with make-believe STD’s
When we glimpsed in the mirror & thought, I’m the baddest bitch in this bar
When we tried not to catch a glimpse knowing it would prob ruin our night
When we decided fuck it, I’ll just go in the Men’s

Here’s to meeting strangers
When we had stimulating but quickly forgotten political discussions
When we defended being a feminist & keeping up with the Kardashians
When we wanted to go outside and cry about stuff
When we scanned the room to find which boy to be awkward with

Here’s to the end of the night
When we regretted wearing heels and wish’d we were home in sweatpants
When talking turned into kissing
When the 5 second rule applied to pizza dropped face down
When calls on repeat to our ex’s seemed like a good idea

Here’s to the next day
When mornings didn’t exist – only bottomless mimosa filled afternoons
When workdays called for hide-under-your-desk 3PM naps
When Gatorade and coconut water were our best friends
When “let’s meet for coffee” meant “let me try to unsay the drunken things I said”

Here’s to when this shit started to get old
When nature gave us 2 day hangovers
When we started to care about things like, keeping our dignity intact
When we learned to drink in moderation
When we looked back at how young & disgusting we were & didn’t miss it

Here’s to someday when we will miss it, the best and worst of those nights
When we’ve grown restless from carpooling children & conference calls
When we attend dinner parties where no one cries or loses their debit card
When nostalgia replaces former cringe-worthy moments
When we love our lives yet find ourselves fondly reminiscing

Here’s to the oldest story in the book
When one day it’s today, then suddenly it’s yesterday
When some of the nights were purer than the days
When some of our words were never truer
When they may not have been our proudest moments but they were exactly what they should’ve been

Because that, my friends, that is the good stuff

I’ve Been Drinking About You:

Girls night out

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Girls just want to have fun

I feel bad for people who never go crazy quote

Restroom without urnial

Photo Creds: Tequila / Fence / Vegas Twerk

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