Lock Your Phones Ya’ll

March 13, 2013 § 5 Comments

‘As soon as you leave the room I’m gonna go through your shit.’ said back-in-the-day-Jamie

Oh, that’s wrong you say? Well you know what else is wrong, dating a dude for 4 months and THEN finding out he’s SUPER into ska. You’ll never get those months back but this all could have been avoided if you had just taken a quick browse through his ipod and bounced right then. Ya dig?

But to be honest, mostly I did it for safety reasons. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to be murdered. So tell me, how is it wrong to not want to be murdered?

But lets say it turns out this guy is not a murderer and you’ve been dating for a while. Is it ok to snoop then? The answer is still yes. It’s totally justified because if I’m going to be doing some crying, I would like a heads up. Thats just common courtesy.

If you are one of those people who want the truth then go ahead and picture me going through your stuff but real sexy like. Or if you’d rather I lie about it, then I’m totally kidding I’ve never done that. And you can go ahead and love me for the person I’m pretending to be.

If you’ve ever googled someone before a date then you totally agree, ‘privacy’ isn’t really a thing.

And just so you know, if a girl can’t be bothered to go through your stuff thats a huge insult and it makes me sad for you :(

You Knew I Was Crazy When You Met Me…That’s On You:

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In hiding.

Even I Have Standards

January 9, 2013 § 5 Comments

Dating. It’s a tricky bitch. But do not fret, I’m here for you.

Everyone has their list of dealbreakers, even if it’s only a mental list. You meet a hot guy and you think to yourself, “Please God, don’t let him be racist.”

If you don’t have the time/energy to get together your own list, feel free to use mine. It’s pretty solid.

Jamie’s List of Deal-Breakers

  • Bad at sports that aren’t really sports (i.e. kickball/dodgeball)
    • This one can’t be helped. I have a knee jerking repulsion response towards anyone who sucks at a “sport” that is typically played by kids under the age of twelve. It’s not very nice of me, but its absolutely true.
  • If you’re into the nose drugs
    • I’m not judging. I just don’t want you wasting money on drugs you could be spending on me.
  • If you have ever said, “Just let the grown-ups talk.”
    • Har, har, har. That’s a real thing a human said to me once. Really, you think you’re smarter than me? I challenge you to a game of Trivial Pursuit. Right here. Right now. Winner gets to stab the loser. Loser gets to drive himself to the hospital.
  • Religious
    • Sorry, nothing personal. I’m just more of a Sunday Fun-day kind of girl.
  • You say, “I have a crazy ex-girlfriend”
    • All I hear is, “I’m an asshole and I’ll eventually make you feel like you’re crazy.”
  • Judgey McGee
    • High morals = Low fun, that’s just math.
  • And for God sakes, just pay the bill
    • I would date a murderer before I’d date a bill splitter.

Just to be clear. This list is not a man-hating or man-bashing list. No. This is just my personal list of unbreakables.  And you may have noticed it’s short (and that is not because I have low standards). It’s because I think people should be open when it comes to dating.

As cliche as it is, I think love can be found in the oddest of places (or people). It doesn’t do any harm to say yes, to that first AND second date with someone you initally think you have nothing in common with. At the very least you’ll gain a new experience. And if all goes well, you never know.

Long Story Short – Must Be Good In Bed:

Hot Guy and Husky

Jon Hamm

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Joseph Gordon-Levitt

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Somebody That I Used To Know

January 3, 2013 § 2 Comments

A friend of mine recently threw a dinner party where not only one but two of her ex’s were in attendance. The only thing I could reason was, that sneaky little hooker must be planning some sort of ambush or at the very least an intervention. All night I waited for the drama to unfold. Only it didn’t. I was mildy disgusted at how smoothly the whole thing went.

For the most part I try not to stay in contact with anyone whose ever broken my heart. It’s kind of a rule of mine. Thinking back on those moments together gives me an overall sense of ickiness I can only really compare to walking through spiderwebs.

I just don’t see the point in keeping friendships like that. My thought is, if you can stay friends with an ex; either you aren’t really friends or that’s all you ever were. It took me a long time but I finally realized some bridges are worth burning. It was a different life. A different me.

Sure I can say, I’m glad it all happened. I learned a very valuable lesson from the countless hours I spent giving a f*ck but we all know that’s bullshit. If I could completely erase every memory, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. I’m not that sentimental.

Good Luck With Your Face:

Erase Memory

Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson

Will Arnett

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Bore Me More

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake

Oscar Wilde

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We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

Adele

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