THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!

May 9, 2013 § 5 Comments

Rules, Thoughts & Questions I Have When Playing With Children:

  • How much glitter is too much glitter?
  • Will there be alcoholic beverages in your fort? If not, can I BYOB? And if the answer to that is no, then my answer is also no. No, I would not like to play in your fort.
  • I’ll do my best to censor myself but if I accidentally let something slip then I reserve the right to apply the 5 second rule for take-backs. If I forget or am unable to call the 5 second rule, then and only then is your tattle tale-ing acceptable.
  • I’m good with children because yeah, I totally get where they are coming from. Why DOES Allie get all the cool toys while we are stuck over here with this stupid play-dough??
  • Do you have any gummy bears?
  • I agree the dark is super spooky! And yeah absolutely its possible there’s a monster under the bed or in the closet but most likely BOTH!!
  • Cherish these moments cause when you cry on the floor in public places as an adult they don’t call it a tantrum, they call the cops.
  • I know for a fact I know more than you cause you’re a virgin. So there.
  • Can I borrow that headband?
  • Do you think they make your dress in my size?
  • I’d rather not see the world through a child’s eyes cause that means I’m stuck staring at crotches all day.
  • You must tell me your skin care regimen. Your skin is amazing. I must have your face. Give it to me.
  • I also eat baby food. It’s technically normal food but since I’m crying the entire time I think it still counts.

P.S. You little ones are the future. So I would like to respectfully ask that you do your best to un-fuck everything in the world we’ve fucked so far. I know that’s a lot to ask but I have full faith in all of you.

Suri, When Are We Hanging Out? Text Me:

Suri Cruz

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A Girl Walks Into A Bar

February 1, 2013 § 7 Comments

And….

That’s it. That’s the entire post. Now go to a bar and get blackout. Cause who knows maybe you’ll meet a D-bag or maybe you’ll meet a giant D-bag? I don’t know anything could happen at this point! Or if you are into something else, then fine, go do that. But you could probably fit both in if you really cared enough to try.

May Your Weekend Be Full Of Free Roofies Or Roofie Free, Depending On Your Preference:

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