January 20, 2014 § 6 Comments
The dick pic has gotten a lot of bad press, but I believe the times they are a changin’.
According to Aziz Ansari and one of my very adamant co-workers, no woman wants to be sent a dick pic nor do women find dicks attractive. My initial reaction was to disagree with this rather bold blanket statement but I wanted to see if there was actual evidence to support my theory. So I conducted a study — no bullshit, I really did.
I majored in sociology, and as part of this major I was required to take several courses on statistical techniques, data analysis and quantitative research methods. And this, a dick pic study, is the one and only time those skills have ever come into play outside of academia. Who says liberal arts degrees are worthless? (Nope, not today.)
My sample population consists of 32 females whose ages ranged from 22 to 36*. Data was collected by either an emailed survey or phone interview. All subjects were asked the same questions. I analyzed the results and not to be cocky (pun intended) but I think you may find these conclusions interesting. Also for the sake of this post I’ll be shortening dick pic to DP (not to be confused with the other DP).
The primary significant finding was the majority of these women have had one or more positive experiences with a DP, thus disproving the theory that women don’t like DPs. Sure, there were several documented negative experiences, but some men, some noble trailblazers, are getting it right.
I sifted through and drew out the reoccurring themes that I believe to be the deciding factors of a successful DP. Below is a summary of the information, along with a few direct quotes from study participants. Warning: this is going to get intimate.
A Gentlemen’s Guide to Dick Pics
Do you think it’s ok for guys to send DP?
‘I don’t like dick pics. Sorry. Dicks aren’t pretty.’
‘Only if it’s requested.’
‘Yes I think it’s absolutely ok and in fact, I like receiving them.’
‘Fuck yea. I got unlimited texts up in my phone plan.’
Lesson Learned: Know Your Audience
- Some ladies shy away from a little exposure. Others will open your image with delight. Ask yourself, will my special lady treasure this for the gift it is? Will she treat it with the respect it deserves? If yes, then send away my friend. If you aren’t sure then you probably don’t know this woman well enough to be sending her pictures of your dick.
Have you ever appreciated receiving or found a DP attractive?
‘I do think it’s appreciated & I tend to find it attractive when it’s after a little hard core sexting & I know I contributed to it’s hardness, lol, or girth :)’
‘I got one from a guy I had grabbed drinks with and I swear he has like the holy grail of penises so it was practically a marketing tool…like I was not feeling him in a dating way but it was turned around into a hook up situation based on the pic. HOWEVER this can also work the opposite way…there was another guy I hooked up with once and I don’t remember it being all that good and then we would do the long distance drunken texting/sexting…his pic made me not want to come back for seconds’
Lesson Learned: Play Up Your Strong Suits
- I think all men should take pride in their area but in regards to sharing your DPs you need to give yourself an honest evaluation. If you got it, flaunt it. But if you find that your member is not one of your strongest features, consider some alternative options; maybe your lady friend would find a picture of your studly abs or adorable dimples more enticing?
Was there something about the picture that made it more appealing than others?
‘Absolutely! I’ve gotten some real artistic shots and I appreciate them taking the time to be all Godard with it.’
‘More appealing when I knew I had something to do with the making (of the erection). I prefer close up…full body is nice but not when it’s flaccid, that’s just ugly!!’
‘It helps if they clean up their bedroom.’
Lesson Learned: The Rules of a Selfie Apply
- Choose a flattering angle, be conscious of what is in the background and maybe throw on a filter if need be.
During these conversations a few unprompted topics came up. One of which was the time the picture was received.
‘It’s also super weird if I get a pic when I’m sober.’
‘It’s more appreciated after 9 pm. Getting a dick pic when the sun is still out can be alarming. For instance, I was recently playing Hide & Seek with my niece. I had just gotten tucked into this bomb ass hiding spot in my mom’s armoire and all of a sudden “BA DING” goes my text alert (Yes my H & S game needs work and I should’ve silenced my phone). I look and it’s a nice full body dick pic. As I look at it, my niece finds me. Kind of awkward.’
‘If you absolutely cannot resist sending pix of what your slaggin’ they are more appropriate after 9 pm (when my) DVR is played out (as is netflix, hbogo and hulu) (and I’m done) with wine and weed.’
Lesson Learned: Timing is Important
- Women noted feeling troubled or embarrassed by a DP received at a time they considered inconvenient. A few subjects admitted to instances they initially found a DP to be disturbing or ‘gross’ when sent at an inopportune time but when they revisited the same picture in the ideal mood and location, typically their home, the picture was looked upon more favorably. The highest likelihood of a positive reaction was when women received a picture while participating in a back-and-forth sexting conversation.
Is there anything you would suggest to guys that you think would improve their dick pics?
“Flaccid is not ok unless you want to scare women.’
Lesson Learned: Hard > Soft
- The sample as a whole shared the unanimous opinion that hard dicks were preferred over flaccid.
Is there any advice you think guys should know about sending dick pics?
‘Send sparingly, send hard, use good judgement.’
‘Dick pix are gross and weird if you can see the guys face.. and even more gross and weird if he’s smiling in the pix. PERVY!’
‘I learned this from a Lifetime movie about teenagers sexting. The mean girl character was making fun of the good girl who sent out a titty pic. Hello! The number one rule of sexting…neck down, thighs up. no distinguishing marks or tattoos.’
- Use them sparingly in order to maintain their meaning and impact. Also everyone could learn a valuable lesson from Lifetime. If someone is kind enough to send you a wonderful (vulnerable) gift, respect that and respond with courtesy. And above all if you’ve had sexual relations of any kind with a person: be fucking nice. But with that being said, you don’t know a woman until she is mad at you. So as a precaution never include your face or identifying marks / tattoos / etc. Relationships may fade but naked pictures on the internet last forever ever.
Quick & Dirty Cheat Sheet: Should I Send This Dick Pic?
If you answer yes to any of the following. Do not send.
- Are you creepy?
- Be honest, are you even a little bit of a sexual predator?
- Are you sure?
- Do you truly believe this person wants to receive this picture?
- Do you have a nice dick?
- Does this picture flatter your dick?
- Is your face or any other distinguishable trait visible in this picture?
If you passed, send away! Get your dick printed on a flag and wave it from your front porch. Yay dicks!
Can You Keep a Secret?
*Possible sample bias: A purposeful bias but still a bias was these women were chosen within this specific age range because of the increased likelihood of having received a dick pic. These women were also chosen based on convenience and although the sample includes a healthy variation of race, geography and relationship status, it should still be noted. And lastly this is relatively small sample size.
December 16, 2013 § 10 Comments
One summer during college I got a babysitting gig after answering an ad, “Seeking a reliable individual with childcare experience to watch a 7 year old boy, must be willing to do some light housekeeping.” The ad would have been much more accurate if it had said, “Seeking someone to clean my house who is cool with constantly being trailed by a 7 year old.” To be fair both sides padded the truth since I had also claimed to be reliable and to have had experience with children, neither of which were true.
Here are the order of events leading up to the incident:
A tiny field mouse ran across the kitchen floor. Immediately I leapt into action grabbing a large salad bowl from the countertop and placing it upside down over the small creature to contain it. The little boy, who we’ll call Ian because that was his name, screamed for me to ‘KILL IT!’
No I would not. Out of respect. For nature. And life. And because I’m not a serial killer you fucking psychopath.
I didn’t really know what to do next so I handled the situation the way I handle all my problems, I left it as it was and told myself I’d deal with it later. But Ian would not drop it. He kept following me around menacingly chanting, ‘kill it, you gotta kill it.’ It was pretty unsettling and to be honest I feared for that mouse’s safety.
As a distraction tactic I told Ian we could walk down to the corner store and I’d give him five dollars to spend on whatever he wanted. He wanted candy. His parents had mentioned he doesn’t “do well” with sugar but I’m very good at making terrible decisions so I kept my word and let him get whatever his little heart desired. It wasn’t until we got back to the house that I realized what a healthy budget five dollars is for corner store candy.
Ian ate his candy. He ate his candy like a motherfucker. Not long after, the sugar-high began to kick in and that’s when shit started to get REAL.
Before I knew it Ian was gripping a bright red lipstick and furiously painting his face. So furiously that it was borderline violent. I knew I should stop him but I was a little hesitant on how to go about disarming him. I didn’t want to shame him for playing with make-up. For once he looked happy and at the time ripping the lipstick from his young impressionable hand seemed like it could be a hate crime.
Ian’s next move was straight up rock n’ roll. He grabbed a small vase from a nearby side table, raised it above his head and smashed it to the ground.
Holy fuck kid. What possible reason could you have had for losing your shit on that vase? I was momentarily taken back. Part of me was thinking, TOTALLY INTO IT. LET’S DO THIS!! The other part did not feel safe.
The child had gone rogue.
He made a break for the kitchen. I tried to grab him but it was impossible. He was moving in a feverish panic like a tiny meth-head ninja. He stormed into the pantry ripping snacks open, shoving handfuls of whatever into his mouth. It was terrifying.
He shot from the pantry leaving a trail of cereal behind. I ran after him. This chase went on for what felt like hours. I’d lose sight of him as he darted in and out of rooms, then he’d pop up right behind me laughing like a fucking lunatic.
I was finally able to corner him as he paused standing on top of the couch. He stared at me. I stared back at him trying to read his expression. It was one I’d seen before. Was he surrendering? Nope. That wasn’t it? I knew this face…
We locked eyes both knowing what was coming. And for some god awful reason I ran towards him. Maybe it was instinct. Maybe somewhere deep down I thought, I deserve this. Either way it happened. The vomit. Projectile vomit. Everywhere. On me. On the couch. On the floor. Honestly I was surprised at how much sheer volume came out of such a small boy.
If you’ve never had another human being vomit on you. Including your face. It’s fucked up. It’s warm and pungent. It feels personal. It feels like a violation. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine myself somewhere far away. Somewhere safe. It didn’t work. The smell got the best of me and well, before I knew it I had to vomit too. And vomit I did.
At that moment I remember thinking, God help me. I need an adult. A real adult. And then his mother walked in the door. Shit. Not that adult. I scanned the room trying my best to quickly calculate a cost-analysis of the damage. ‘Everything is fine’ I assured her as I waved my vomit covered hand in her direction. But everything was not fine. In fact it was the exact of the opposite of fine.
She was, naturally, irate. After getting her up to speed on the situation. She let me know they would no longer be needing my services. Probably for the best. Then I went home and high-fived BC* pills into my face.
I’m Sure You Have a Lot Of Things Going For You But Your Child…Your Child is a Dick:
July 19, 2013 § 2 Comments
The cost of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.
– Henry David Thoreau
July 16, 2013 § 2 Comments
July 12, 2013 § 1 Comment
I just got back from visiting Nashville for the first time. And let me tell you, that city is chaos. Every bar has an obnoxious over the top theme and is filled with drunk dudes wearing pants that are too tight alongside drunk girls wearing too much hairspray. The loud karaoke country music is unavoidable. Every time you turn around someone is handing you a shot of you whiskey and screaming ‘Merica. Drink till you fall down seems to be the city’s motto. It’s awesome.
How come ya’ll* never told me Nashville was so freakin’ sweet? And now I’m into big hair (actually I’ve always loved big hair) but now I’m into the big hair cowboy boots combo.
If you are thinking you are too ‘this coast’ or ‘that coast’ to be caught dead as a Taylor Swift look-a-like. Well then you have to ask yourself, what is life if not one big country song?** So never say never. That’s what fivel*** taught us.
It’s time for all of us to discover our hair’s full potential.
Tease It Up:
*I’ll now be including ya’ll into my vocabulary.
**Yeah I don’t know what that means either.
***Fivel is a young Russian mouse who starred in American Tale. He gets separated from his family and must find them while trying to survive in a new country. It’s great if you are 8 years old or probably even better if you are high as an adult. Not that I would know because I took D.A.R.E.