A Lady’s Guide to Getting Free Drinks

September 9, 2014 § 7 Comments

I am a feminist. I support any and all efforts to create a society where the social, political and economic rights of women are equal to that of men. The reason I start with that declaration is because I could see how a woman expecting a man to purchase the first round of beverages could be interpreted as a bit sexist. And in a way it is, but in another way I don’t give a shit.

Also, I think it’s important to recognize feminism can come in many different forms, which is why I promise to revisit my stance on this subject once the 30% pay gap is closed.

Some men may be hesitant to buy a lady a drink. Maybe they think thirsty bitches (their words not mine) will take them for everything they got, one pinot grigio at a time. Usually these are the same men who use a woman’s every move as an excuse to talk to her. Call me old fashioned, but I’d be much more likely to talk to a fella who bought me a drink. Call me old fashioned, but I’d judge the fuck out of one who didn’t. Maybe that’s just me?

Anywho let’s get started:

#1 Googly Eyes

Googly eyes is when you hold the gaze of your selected dude a moment longer than the socially accepted standard. I’m sure the majority of you are now eye rolling like you’re stuck in gif purgatory. Well, duh right? It seems like a total no-brainer but, like a lot of things in life, timing is key. To demonstrate the perfect amount of time I’m going to use a visual metaphor, because that’s how my mind works, like an illiterate child’s.

Imagine you are hiking, and you approach a field of wildflowers. There in the close distance you spot the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen, a young fawn. It senses your presence. Its head pops up. Its eyes focus on yours, long enough for one exhale, long enough for your souls to merge. You blink and you’re back in the bar. Your fawn is now a girl. She smiles. She turns back to her friends.*

#1 Section 2 – The Bar is a Safe Place

What if you gave him the perfect amount of googly eyes and he’s still not approaching? Well there may be a few variables working against you. Are you in a co-ed group? Are there any girls with resting bitch face? If your male of choice is introverted, these factors may give him room for pause. Which means you’re going to have to lure him to the bar. The bar is a safe place. In order to do this you must slam your drink, separate yourself from the group and head to the bar, and while en route you give him a look.

And now we wait…

Ninety-eight percent of the time your selected dude will just happen to also need a refill and will just happen to saddle up right next to you at the bar. Oh hai, fancy meeting you here.

The two percent that don’t respond to this move are either not interested in females or taken. And it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not as long as you believe it. That’s the beauty of delusion.

#2 Fake Bachelorette Party

Give a group of women the license to ‘let loose’ and you will get a drunken tidal wave of the horniest, sloppiest, screechiest girls imaginable. But you don’t have to wait for an actual bachelorette party to enjoy a penis-themed night of semi-questionable decisions.

How to throw a fake bachelorette party:

You’ll need a group of girls, a boa and/or tiara, and of course some penis-shaped items. Then choose your bachelorette. I suggest switching off. Because here’s a fun fact – guys want what they can’t have (what?? groundbreaking isn’t it??!) which means the “bachelorette” will get hit on ten times more than everyone else. Regardless of who is playing the part. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, people.

Now all other party participants choose an alias and make up an awesome backstory. You can be whoever you want. Why? Cause bullshitting strangers is fun! Although I’d avoid accents. Once you get drunk it’s hard to maintain consistency.

  • Pros: no lines for you, lots of free shots, role playing awesomeness
  • Cons: too many free shots

#3 Let’s Make a Deal

You’re at the bar. The bartender is busy. Everyone impatiently tries to get his/her attention. You and the dude next to you share a ‘god-this-is-so annoying’ look. You say, ‘Hey dude, let’s make a deal. You get his attention first, put in an order for me. If I get his attention I’ll put in your order.” Now you simply avoid eye contact with the bartender. Dude orders for you. You offer dude money. Dude says no cause his mama raised him right. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.

#4 I’ve Never Had That

You overhear a dude’s order. It sounds delicious. You say, ‘Is that good? I’ve never had that.’ Dude can’t believe you’ve never had (drink you’ve totally had). Dude insist he get you one. Dude says, ‘bartender make it two’. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.

#5 Game on bitch

Challenge him. Guys are competitive by nature. If there is a game nearby, most likely it’ll be darts. Approach him and say, “Hey, you up for a game? Loser buys drinks.” Then you just have to win. I kid, I kid, you don’t have to win. 90% of dudes are chivalrous enough to insist on purchasing the round regardless of the outcome. The other 10% are too short sighted to see the big picture win.

#6 Seem Really Bored

Guys love to swoop in and rescue a bored lil’ lady.

#7 Have Fun

Guys love to swoop in on a super fun lady.

#8 You Approach Him

I know, I know. Guys love a chase. Guys love girls who never give them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve been caught. I know that shit works but I also know it’s exhausting.

Which is why I’m a much bigger fan of the approach him method. There is a special power in not giving a shit. In walking straight up to a dude, tapping him on the shoulder and saying, ‘excuse me sir but I really like your face and well…buy me a drink or lose me forever.’

99.9983% of the time, that works every time. I picked up my dude in this very fashion which is why whenever he says something along the lines of ‘you are a crazy person,’ I retort with, ‘AH-DOYYY, pretty sure you knew that when you met me.’

But if that’s not your style then here are some more subtle approaches:

Ask for his expert opinion: Cheesy and transparent when guys use this approach but roles reversed, extremely effective. Guys are natural problem solvers, it plays to their ego. Start in with something like, ‘I’m sorry, this is so dumb, but my friend and I are having an argument and you look like someone who might know something about (insert anything this dude could have an opinion about).

Compliment him: Girls are constantly on the defense about compliments because they are used to getting hit on. Guys on the other hand are usually genuinely flattered. ‘Hi. You are very handsome.’  Thatsssss it.

Fall for him: Or rather into him. This is a total grade school move, but by god if it doesn’t work. Your friend pushes you, you trip, you accidentally hit him with your purse, any of those things. And then you’re like, ‘oh no, I’m so sorry. Are you ok? Did I spill on you? Bee-tee-dubs I’m Jamie.

Drop something: Yup, I said it. Go ahead and pull the most classic and utterly offensive of all female tropes – the damsel in distress. “Whoopsies, I dropped my purse. Oh no, it spilt everywhere. What’s a girl to do?” I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t put this out there in the world if it weren’t so astonishingly effective.

Say pretty much anything: Unless you say something horrifyingly creepy, what you say upon approaching really doesn’t matter that much. You have a vagina, remember? Here’s an example, ‘Excuse me, do you have a cat?‘ No, why? ‘Cause I’m allergic to cats so that would be a deal breaker. Hi, I’m Jamie.

End of Lesson One

In all honesty, I feel real shitty about writing this post. Not only do I feel like I just set feminism back fifty years but these games we play with the opposite sex, although very very fun, they’re kind of assholey. But in my defense I never said I was a good person…

I Regret Nothing:

Inspiration Lush

inspiration lush

Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush

 * I’m not comparing women to underage animals. It’s just a metaphor. Don’t ruin it with your logic.

Just Love Me

February 10, 2014 § 9 Comments

I love Valentine’s Day! I’ve always loved it, even when I was single because I could be a mess at the bar and people would just assume I was sad instead of an alcoholic.

Every year I send out Valentines to all my lovies (seriously I do) but the selection is always extremely limited. I never feel as if I can fully express myself with what’s currently out there. So I decided to make my own.

Cards By Jamie

I give a shit

STalker Valentine

Unplanned pregnancy

Sad ValentineHorrible Thing Valentine

Pay attention to me Valentine

Gummy

Jealous Ex Valentine

Stalker Valentine

Don't die Valentine

Unicorn Vagina Faces

Insulting Valentine's day cards

A Post in Which I Talk About Periods and Vaginas

January 24, 2014 § 2 Comments

My most recent post was about dicks so I feel like I should pay some respect to the vagina. One – because I don’t feel like I’ve embarrassed my parents nearly enough and two – because vaginas are the coolest (please, say that last part again but this time in a Billy Madison voice).

Everyone should respect the vagina because even if you don’t have one, your squishy little body came out of one on what should be considered the best day of your life, your first day of life.  

The vagina is wonderful and warm and a beautiful flower (as demonstrated by Georgia O’Keeffe) so it’s no wonder babies want to crawl up there and live inside.

Ok. What else can I talk about vagina related? Hair cuts, hair cuts for your area. I heard bangs are currently in fashion? Waxing? Waxing is a thing I’ve heard of.

I personally have never been waxed because I like to be taken out for a drink before someone sticks their face in my vagina. I guess I’m just old fashioned like that. Plus, I’d feel rude if I didn’t offer to reciprocate which could make scheduling my next appointment awkward. Also I’m pretty sure it hurts.

Periods. Let’s talk periods. I actually haven’t gotten mine in almost six years. Not because my uterus is on strike or because I have any sass towards periods but because I heard a rumor you could opt-out via birth control and I was like, ‘yo, where do I sign?

Sometimes I think about the day when I’ll become a woman (for the second time) and I’m nervous my brain won’t be able to process the information quick enough due to a lapse in familiarity and I’ll scream something like — ‘oh god, I’ve been stabbed! I’m bleeding out!’ and a stranger will run into the restroom (cause in this scenario I’m in a public restroom) and then I’ll realize I haven’t been stabbed and in fact it’s just a visit from my dear aunt flo.

Then I’ll have to explain to my heroic stranger I wasn’t tricking them into some twisted fantasy of mine and that it’s actually a perfectly logical and understandable reaction for someone who is not used to bleeding out of their genitals. And then the stranger and I will laugh and laugh and become life long friends and affectionately tell the story of how we met to entertained guests at dinner parties.

Next topic. PMS.

Although I don’t get my period I do tend to get PMS-y around that time of the month. I don’t know if those are real hormones or it’s more like a phantom limb situation? I’m not a doctor so I can’t say for sure. But I do get symptomatic, not really irritable as much as I cry at things that aren’t cry-worthy followed by an outpouring of emotions. But how else would my loved ones know they are loved if it wasn’t for phantom PMS and 2AM Tequila rants?

Um, yeah. I think I’m done with this topic for now. I’m pretty sure next time I’m going to talk about blow jobs or I may hold off just so this blog doesn’t get a reputation, if you know what I’m sayin.

Yay Vaginas!

Yay ladies

Piano Playing

Ladylike

bikini area

Biking Area

Yay ladies

Lingerie

Sit Lady-like

Bikini Line

Debunking The Dick Pic Myth

January 20, 2014 § 6 Comments

The dick pic has gotten a lot of bad press, but I believe the times they are a changin’.

According to Aziz Ansari and one of my very adamant co-workers, no woman wants to be sent a dick pic nor do women find dicks attractive. My initial reaction was to disagree with this rather bold blanket statement but I wanted to see if there was actual evidence to support my theory. So I conducted a study — no bullshit, I really did.

I majored in sociology, and as part of this major I was required to take several courses on statistical techniques, data analysis and quantitative research methods. And this, a dick pic study, is the one and only time those skills have ever come into play outside of academia. Who says liberal arts degrees are worthless? (Nope, not today.)

My sample population consists of 32 females whose ages ranged from 22 to 36*. Data was collected by either an emailed survey or phone interview. All subjects were asked the same questions. I analyzed the results and not to be cocky (pun intended) but I think you may find these conclusions interesting. Also for the sake of this post I’ll be shortening dick pic to DP (not to be confused with the other DP).

The primary significant finding was the majority of these women have had one or more positive experiences with a DP, thus disproving the theory that women don’t like DPs. Sure, there were several documented negative experiences, but some men, some noble trailblazers, are getting it right.

I sifted through and drew out the reoccurring themes that I believe to be the deciding factors of a successful DP. Below is a summary of the information, along with a few direct quotes from study participants. Warning: this is going to get intimate.

A Gentlemen’s Guide to Dick Pics

Do you think it’s ok for guys to send DP?

‘I don’t like dick pics. Sorry. Dicks aren’t pretty.’

‘Only if it’s requested.’

‘Yes I think it’s absolutely ok and in fact, I like receiving them.’

‘Fuck yea. I got unlimited texts up in my phone plan.’

Lesson Learned: Know Your Audience

  • Some ladies shy away from a little exposure. Others will open your image with delight. Ask yourself, will my special lady treasure this for the gift it is? Will she treat it with the respect it deserves? If yes, then send away my friend. If you aren’t sure then you probably don’t know this woman well enough to be sending her pictures of your dick.

Have you ever appreciated receiving or found a DP attractive?

‘I do think it’s appreciated & I tend to find it attractive when it’s after a little hard core sexting & I know I contributed to it’s hardness, lol, or girth :)’

‘I got one from a guy I had grabbed drinks with and I swear he has like the holy grail of penises so it was practically a marketing tool…like I was not feeling him in a dating way but it was turned around into a hook up situation based on the pic. HOWEVER this can also work the opposite way…there was another guy I hooked up with once and I don’t remember it being all that good and then we would do the long distance drunken texting/sexting…his pic made me not want to come back for seconds’

Lesson Learned: Play Up Your Strong Suits

  • I think all men should take pride in their area but in regards to sharing your DPs you need to give yourself an honest evaluation. If you got it, flaunt it. But if you find that your member is not one of your strongest features, consider some alternative options; maybe your lady friend would find a picture of your studly abs or adorable dimples more enticing?

Was there something about the picture that made it more appealing than others?

‘Absolutely! I’ve gotten some real artistic shots and I appreciate them taking the time to be all Godard with it.’

‘More appealing when I knew I had something to do with the making (of the erection). I prefer close up…full body is nice but not when it’s flaccid, that’s just ugly!!’

‘It helps if they clean up their bedroom.’

Lesson Learned: The Rules of a Selfie Apply

  • Choose a flattering angle, be conscious of what is in the background and maybe throw on a filter if need be.

During these conversations a few unprompted topics came up. One of which was the time the picture was received.

‘It’s also super weird if I get a pic when I’m sober.’

‘It’s more appreciated after 9 pm. Getting a dick pic when the sun is still out can be alarming. For instance, I was recently playing Hide & Seek with my niece. I had just gotten tucked into this bomb ass hiding spot in my mom’s armoire and all of a sudden “BA DING” goes my text alert (Yes my H & S game needs work and I should’ve silenced my phone). I look and it’s a nice full body dick pic. As I look at it, my niece finds me. Kind of awkward.’

‘If you absolutely cannot resist sending pix of what your slaggin’ they are more appropriate after 9 pm (when my) DVR is played out (as is netflix, hbogo and hulu) (and I’m done) with wine and weed.’

Lesson Learned: Timing is Important

  • Women noted feeling troubled or embarrassed by a DP received at a time they considered inconvenient. A few subjects admitted to instances they initially found a DP to be disturbing or ‘gross’ when sent at an inopportune time but when they revisited the same picture in the ideal mood and location, typically their home, the picture was looked upon more favorably. The highest likelihood of a positive reaction was when women received a picture while participating in a back-and-forth sexting conversation.

Is there anything you would suggest to guys that you think would improve their dick pics?

“Flaccid is not ok unless you want to scare women.’

Lesson Learned: Hard > Soft

  • The sample as a whole shared the unanimous opinion that hard dicks were preferred over flaccid.

Is there any advice you think guys should know about sending dick pics?

‘Send sparingly, send hard, use good judgement.’

 ‘Dick pix are gross and weird if you can see the guys face.. and even more gross and weird if he’s smiling in the pix. PERVY!’

‘I learned this from a Lifetime movie about teenagers sexting. The mean girl character was making fun of the good girl who sent out a titty pic. Hello! The number one rule of sexting…neck down, thighs up. no distinguishing marks or tattoos.’

Lesson Learned:

  • Use them sparingly in order to maintain their meaning and impact. Also everyone could learn a valuable lesson from Lifetime. If someone is kind enough to send you a wonderful (vulnerable) gift, respect that and respond with courtesy. And above all if you’ve had sexual relations of any kind with a person: be fucking nice. But with that being said, you don’t know a woman until she is mad at you. So as a precaution never include your face or identifying marks /  tattoos / etc. Relationships may fade but naked pictures on the internet last forever ever.

Quick & Dirty Cheat Sheet: Should I Send This Dick Pic?

If you answer yes to any of the following. Do not send.

  1. Are you creepy?
  2. Be honest, are you even a little bit of a sexual predator?
  3. Are you sure?
  4. Do you truly believe this person wants to receive this picture?
  5. Do you have a nice dick?
  6. Does this picture flatter your dick?
  7. Is your face or any other distinguishable trait visible in this picture?

If you passed, send away! Get your dick printed on a flag and wave it from your front porch. Yay dicks!

Can You Keep a Secret?

measuring

sleep

Lana Del Rey

Oh boy

thinking twice

Shy girl

Playing Coy

*Possible sample bias: A purposeful bias but still a bias was these women were chosen within this specific age range because of the increased likelihood of having received a dick pic. These women were also chosen based on convenience and although the sample includes a healthy variation of race, geography and relationship status, it should still be noted. And lastly this is relatively small sample size.

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