September 9, 2014 § 7 Comments
I am a feminist. I support any and all efforts to create a society where the social, political and economic rights of women are equal to that of men. The reason I start with that declaration is because I could see how a woman expecting a man to purchase the first round of beverages could be interpreted as a bit sexist. And in a way it is, but in another way I don’t give a shit.
Also, I think it’s important to recognize feminism can come in many different forms, which is why I promise to revisit my stance on this subject once the 30% pay gap is closed.
Some men may be hesitant to buy a lady a drink. Maybe they think thirsty bitches (their words not mine) will take them for everything they got, one pinot grigio at a time. Usually these are the same men who use a woman’s every move as an excuse to talk to her. Call me old fashioned, but I’d be much more likely to talk to a fella who bought me a drink. Call me old fashioned, but I’d judge the fuck out of one who didn’t. Maybe that’s just me?
Anywho let’s get started:
#1 Googly Eyes
Googly eyes is when you hold the gaze of your selected dude a moment longer than the socially accepted standard. I’m sure the majority of you are now eye rolling like you’re stuck in gif purgatory. Well, duh right? It seems like a total no-brainer but, like a lot of things in life, timing is key. To demonstrate the perfect amount of time I’m going to use a visual metaphor, because that’s how my mind works, like an illiterate child’s.
Imagine you are hiking, and you approach a field of wildflowers. There in the close distance you spot the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen, a young fawn. It senses your presence. Its head pops up. Its eyes focus on yours, long enough for one exhale, long enough for your souls to merge. You blink and you’re back in the bar. Your fawn is now a girl. She smiles. She turns back to her friends.*
#1 Section 2 – The Bar is a Safe Place
What if you gave him the perfect amount of googly eyes and he’s still not approaching? Well there may be a few variables working against you. Are you in a co-ed group? Are there any girls with resting bitch face? If your male of choice is introverted, these factors may give him room for pause. Which means you’re going to have to lure him to the bar. The bar is a safe place. In order to do this you must slam your drink, separate yourself from the group and head to the bar, and while en route you give him a look.
And now we wait…
Ninety-eight percent of the time your selected dude will just happen to also need a refill and will just happen to saddle up right next to you at the bar. Oh hai, fancy meeting you here.
The two percent that don’t respond to this move are either not interested in females or taken. And it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not as long as you believe it. That’s the beauty of delusion.
#2 Fake Bachelorette Party
Give a group of women the license to ‘let loose’ and you will get a drunken tidal wave of the horniest, sloppiest, screechiest girls imaginable. But you don’t have to wait for an actual bachelorette party to enjoy a penis-themed night of semi-questionable decisions.
How to throw a fake bachelorette party:
You’ll need a group of girls, a boa and/or tiara, and of course some penis-shaped items. Then choose your bachelorette. I suggest switching off. Because here’s a fun fact – guys want what they can’t have (what?? groundbreaking isn’t it??!) which means the “bachelorette” will get hit on ten times more than everyone else. Regardless of who is playing the part. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, people.
Now all other party participants choose an alias and make up an awesome backstory. You can be whoever you want. Why? Cause bullshitting strangers is fun! Although I’d avoid accents. Once you get drunk it’s hard to maintain consistency.
- Pros: no lines for you, lots of free shots, role playing awesomeness
- Cons: too many free shots
#3 Let’s Make a Deal
You’re at the bar. The bartender is busy. Everyone impatiently tries to get his/her attention. You and the dude next to you share a ‘god-this-is-so annoying’ look. You say, ‘Hey dude, let’s make a deal. You get his attention first, put in an order for me. If I get his attention I’ll put in your order.” Now you simply avoid eye contact with the bartender. Dude orders for you. You offer dude money. Dude says no cause his mama raised him right. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.
#4 I’ve Never Had That
You overhear a dude’s order. It sounds delicious. You say, ‘Is that good? I’ve never had that.’ Dude can’t believe you’ve never had (drink you’ve totally had). Dude insist he get you one. Dude says, ‘bartender make it two’. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.
#5 Game on bitch
Challenge him. Guys are competitive by nature. If there is a game nearby, most likely it’ll be darts. Approach him and say, “Hey, you up for a game? Loser buys drinks.” Then you just have to win. I kid, I kid, you don’t have to win. 90% of dudes are chivalrous enough to insist on purchasing the round regardless of the outcome. The other 10% are too short sighted to see the big picture win.
#6 Seem Really Bored
Guys love to swoop in and rescue a bored lil’ lady.
#7 Have Fun
Guys love to swoop in on a super fun lady.
#8 You Approach Him
I know, I know. Guys love a chase. Guys love girls who never give them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve been caught. I know that shit works but I also know it’s exhausting.
Which is why I’m a much bigger fan of the approach him method. There is a special power in not giving a shit. In walking straight up to a dude, tapping him on the shoulder and saying, ‘excuse me sir but I really like your face and well…buy me a drink or lose me forever.’
99.9983% of the time, that works every time. I picked up my dude in this very fashion which is why whenever he says something along the lines of ‘you are a crazy person,’ I retort with, ‘AH-DOYYY, pretty sure you knew that when you met me.’
But if that’s not your style then here are some more subtle approaches:
Ask for his expert opinion: Cheesy and transparent when guys use this approach but roles reversed, extremely effective. Guys are natural problem solvers, it plays to their ego. Start in with something like, ‘I’m sorry, this is so dumb, but my friend and I are having an argument and you look like someone who might know something about (insert anything this dude could have an opinion about).
Compliment him: Girls are constantly on the defense about compliments because they are used to getting hit on. Guys on the other hand are usually genuinely flattered. ‘Hi. You are very handsome.’ Thatsssss it.
Fall for him: Or rather into him. This is a total grade school move, but by god if it doesn’t work. Your friend pushes you, you trip, you accidentally hit him with your purse, any of those things. And then you’re like, ‘oh no, I’m so sorry. Are you ok? Did I spill on you? Bee-tee-dubs I’m Jamie.‘
Drop something: Yup, I said it. Go ahead and pull the most classic and utterly offensive of all female tropes – the damsel in distress. “Whoopsies, I dropped my purse. Oh no, it spilt everywhere. What’s a girl to do?” I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t put this out there in the world if it weren’t so astonishingly effective.
Say pretty much anything: Unless you say something horrifyingly creepy, what you say upon approaching really doesn’t matter that much. You have a vagina, remember? Here’s an example, ‘Excuse me, do you have a cat?‘ No, why? ‘Cause I’m allergic to cats so that would be a deal breaker. Hi, I’m Jamie.”
End of Lesson One
In all honesty, I feel real shitty about writing this post. Not only do I feel like I just set feminism back fifty years but these games we play with the opposite sex, although very very fun, they’re kind of assholey. But in my defense I never said I was a good person…
I Regret Nothing:
* I’m not comparing women to underage animals. It’s just a metaphor. Don’t ruin it with your logic.
May 30, 2014 § 2 Comments
Tom Cruise Wants To Go On a Date With You, He Isn’t Your Type But He Wins You Over With His Charm
Tom Cruise Makes You Laugh, You Try Not To Get Attached But You Can’t Help It, There’s Just Something About Him
Tom Cruise Makes You Feel Like Maybe This Love Thing Isn’t All BS
Tom Cruise Gives You Butterflies, Starts to Make You Feel Whole
Tom Cruise Introduces You as His Girlfriend
Tom Cruise Suddenly Grows Distant, Stops Asking You How Your Day Was
Tom Cruise Gets Easily Agitated, Starts Being Critical of Your Outfits
Tom Cruise Starts Picking Fights For No Reason
Tom Cruise Comes Home Late and is Dismissive When You Ask Where He’s Been
Tom Cruise Says, It’s Over, Asks You to Leave, Says There is Nothing Left to Say
Tom Cruise Misses You, Thinks About What He Could Have Done Differently
Tom Cruise Regrets What He Said, Wants You Back Now
Tom Cruise Doesn’t Know How To Live Without You
Tom Cruise Asks Dustin Hoffman How To Win You Back
Hoffman Thinks Maybe a New Hair Style Will Work
Tom Cruise Likes All Your Posts in Hopes He’ll Get Your Attention
Tom Cruise Says, Baby, I’m Sorry, Just Give Me a Chance to Make this Right. I Can Make This Right.
Tom Cruise Seems Different This Time Around
Tom Cruise Will Never Take You For Granted Again
Tom Cruise Stretches Before He Enters You
Tom Cruise Is Now The Father of Your Babies, He’s Such a Good Dad
The End. TOM CRUISE FOR-EVA EVA AFTER
May 2, 2014 § Leave a comment
How ’bout we take it easy with a lil’ quote for this lovely Friday.
Here ya go – one of my favs, just for you:
There’s a little boy and on his 14th birthday he gets a horse…and everybody in the village says, “How wonderful. The boy got a horse” And the Zen master says, “We’ll see.” Two years later, the boy falls off the horse, breaks his leg, and everyone in the village says, “How terrible.” And the Zen master says, “We’ll see.” Then, a war breaks out and all the young men have to go off and fight…except the boy can’t cause his legs all messed up and everybody in the village says, “How wonderful.”
Now the Zen master says, “We’ll see.”
– Charlie Wilson’s War
April 28, 2014 § Leave a comment
Oh wait, that’s not how this works. Ok then I’ll give you some things I’ve been into lately.
Next time your crippling insecurities make you feel like shoving spoonfuls of frosting into your mouth watch this. Then go ahead and do the frosting thing anyways because frosting is delicious.
But be sure you remember: No matter what you look like someone out there would love to plant his face in your
This is lovely. Play on repeat.
Kind of like heroine. I have no idea how heroine works. Most likely not the same at all. What I meant by that is I’ve been binge watching this show via Netflix. So good.
Shhh…it’ll be over soon. Just a couple more.
And Then There is This:
Just to be clear I prefer dicks that are still attached but nonetheless – excellent exhibit, excellent documentary.
I only star dick pics.
And Lastly, This Dog Says ‘Fuck it’:
Now what? Guess that’s all for now.
As always I’ll miss you.
Love Your Vodka Guzzling Lunatic and Best Friend Forever,
Sweet Baby Jamie
I’m Not Being Very Helpful:
March 6, 2014 § 8 Comments
But I don’t know. I just missed you guys, I guess.
So little to say…maybe I shouldn’t have even written this post?
I did, though.
Ok, here’s the plan. We drink. And that’s the plan.
So, m’babes, let’s get together and pop open a bottle of wine. Just grab your Caloric Cuvee glass. Oh? You don’t have one?
Don’t touch me. Monster.
Fine. I’ll introduce you. Behold – the Caloric Cuvee wine glass. LOOK AT IT!
Maybe you should take a closer look. ENHANCE. ENHANCE. ENHANCE. And I’ll add a tiny model! Ok, now look!
You can fill it to the calorie marks, super helpful, or you can fill it so high that the feelings you usually reserve for your dream journal spill out into real life.
Pre-tay sweet. And I’m not just saying that cause this super cool company sent me some free shit. I am not above selling out. Trust. But these glasses are actually freakin’ adorable. And you can totally get in on this. Just leave a comment below letting me know why wine is your favorite beverage. And if it isn’t, lie.
Then I’ll choose my favorite (sexual favors encouraged) and Caloric Cuvee will send you a free glass to call your own. Boo-ya! Biz-natches! Don’t say I never gave you anything. AND EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!
Now look at the pictures.
Someone Buy My Blog…
February 18, 2014 § 7 Comments
Pictures I found, mostly on the world wide web, and then put words under.
Cause Why Not:
There goes my hero, watch him as he goes.
YOU NEVER PLAY WITH MY HAIR!!
One time I ate chicken for all 3 meals.
Baby girl is upset because her flat screen is on backorder.
Think about it.
Dance like everyone still has a flip phone.
And they say romance is dead.
Wait. What was I doing?
My name is Jamie and I like the taste of alcohol.
Have a magical day, you beautiful beautiful people.
January 31, 2014 § 1 Comment
I’m super excited for Sunday! I don’t actually give a shit about the football part I’m just excited for the day drinking! I support any and all causes that make getting drunk before noon socially acceptable. I also support anything that is supremely popular because I don’t like to be left out.
Now for my Superbowl Sunday predictions:
I predict that Peyton’s brother, Eli, will start drinking a little too fast early on in the day and he’ll start annoying everyone by sticking that giant foam, We’re #1, finger in people’s faces. And one of Peyton’s friends will be like, ‘yo, cut it out!’ and Eli will be like, ‘easy breezy dude, just trying to have a good time’ but he’ll really be thinking, ‘who the fuck brought this guy?‘ and then slowly but surely Eli will get way too drunk like he always does. And Eli won’t even care or apologize to Cooper (Peyton’s youngest brother) who will have to miss the last quarter of the game to look after him when he gets sick.
And then Cooper will tell Peyton what happened and when Peyton brings it up to Eli, Eli will be like, ‘sorry man‘ but it won’t be a real apology because Eli never owns up to anything. And Peyton will feel like Eli doesn’t truly support him but he’ll choose to just drop it because no one, not even Eli, is going to ruin his special day.
And then months will pass and it’ll seem like Peyton and Eli are totally cool but then on Thanksgiving it’ll come up again. And this time it’s in front of pop-pop, who hates it when the boys fight. And Eli will try to avoid the issue by making Peyton seem petty. He’ll say something like, ‘oh, here we go again Peyton, let’s hear it’.
And Peyton will be so frustrated he’ll shut himself in the bathroom because he just needs a moment to himself and he’ll cry a little and Peyton hardly ever cries. And Eli will hear him and know on some level, deep down, he really is sorry but he doesn’t know how to say it. Then Peyton will pull himself together and head back to the table without another word because he just wants to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner like a normal family.
Years later Eli will work through his issues with a therapist and in a joint session between him and Peyton he’ll finally apologize and this time he’ll mean it.
We’re On Each Other’s Team
July 24, 2013 § 7 Comments
I have nothing left to offer to the following:
1. Becoming an Adult
They say you become an adult when you start taking care of someone else. If that’s true then I reached adulthood at the ripe age of 8 after becoming Hammy the hamster’s foster mother. Let’s not dwell on the fact Hammy died in a cruel toilet seat accident. I’d go into details but I’m not emotionally ready. I’m just hoping one day I’ll be wandering around in a drunken stupor and stumble into adulthood. That’s how everything else in my life has happened thus far. Actually I’m pretty sure that’s how everyone transitions. But who the fuck knows?
2. Using Words Correctly
I misuse words all the time. I’d like to think most words are interchangeable. Although I’m very aware they are not. The reason I’m very aware of this is because of the numerous grammer (or is it grammar?) correctors I’ve encounter in my life. People who love grammar, hate me. I apologize for being insensitive but I should let all the grammar correctors out there know that the feeling is mutual. I’m a writer not an editor. Plus, I think all those squiggly red lines add to my paragraphs like a beautiful garnish.
3. Looking Good in Shorts
I’ll never look good in shorts. But I’ll wear them anyways cause it’s hot yo. That’s how much I don’t care.
4. Not Drinking During the Week
Do you know how many Monday’s I’ve told myself I wasn’t going to drink during the week? All of them. Every Monday. At best it’ll last till Wednesday. Or on very rare occasions I’ll make it to Thursday. But when that happens I’ll be so proud of myself l’ll end up tripling my Friday intake. So let’s be real. Working all week without drinking – it’s unpleasant and unnecessary.
5. Watching Movies Over 2 Hours
Blame it on my ADD. I can’t control that.
6. Being Fashionably Late
Totally uncool of me but I’d rather be on time. Being late just isn’t my thing. It’s not how I’m programmed. I’d much rather show up on time or even 15 minutes early. So I’m sorry lovely party hosts who may feel awkward as they finish blow drying their hair but at least I can help set out the hor d’evours, right?
7. Not Petting Stranger’s Dogs
If you leave your dog tied up outside of anywhere. I will pet it. Maybe one day I’ll get bitten and learn my lesson to not engage with sharp-toothed animals with nowhere to flee but until that happens, your dog is getting pet by a stranger. This stranger.
8. Being Breezy
When I’m excited about something I am not what you would call ‘breezy’. I envy people who can hide their emotions. But for me personally, restraint isn’t really my thing. If you tell me your Uncle is sorta-kinda friends with Will Ferrell. I won’t casually disregard your comment like the cool kids do. I will be all up in your face , like – HOLY SHIT, NO FUCKING WAY and before you know it I’ll be tagging you in a post as Will Ferrell’s BFF. How embarrassing for you that you thought I’d keep that shit to myself.
9. Censoring Myself
I haven’t completely given up trying to filter the stupid shit that comes out of my mouth but I’m definitely more realistic about it. Like what, you may be asking. Nothing in particular. Oh. Fine. It’s suicide jokes. Or really an array of desperate unsavory jokes that happen to pop into my head. I would also like to apologize in advance for any outdated ‘that’s what she said’ comments. But sometimes (usually) it’s a lot fucking worse than that. Basically I’m absolutely charming.
10. Going Out For Just One Drink
I know from experience that’s not a thing. Never happens. When I say those words out-loud my inner voice laughs at me. Yes I have an inner voice and if you must know she sounds like an Asian mother. Which is weird cause my Father is actually the Asian one.
Like I Said Before Failing Is The New Making It: