June 11, 2014 § 2 Comments
And now, for some things:
Let the record show – I’m a fucking champion. *Licks finger, holds it against butt, makes sizzling sound*
Case in point:
Psychologist David Keirsey identifies ENFPs as “Champions,” which he suggests are rather rare. “Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out,” Keirsey suggests. “And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions.” In addition to having an abundance of enthusiasm, they also genuinely care about others.
Go onnnnn *bats eyelashes excessively*
While they are great at generating new ideas…not seeing them through to completion is a common problem. ENFPs can also become easily distracted.
You sir, should have stopped at champion. But I have to admit, it’s so on point it’s freakin’ me out. Whoever is in charge of ADD meds please mail my ration asap.
And now you – do it.
I love a good commencement speech! I love the thought of fresh grads stepping out into the world with their dewy faces and twinkling eyes. Before the panic sets in, before everything good is laced with the promise of pain. When they are still full of faith and determination that they will, someday, get to live their truths. It just fills my heart, ya know?
I guess I’ll throw in some advice for any new grads while I’m here – Treat day-to-day decisions with respect. They mean something. Nothing is isolated. They accumulate and build exponentially. They will transform you. They can lead to something great or they can cost you dearly but either way – they matter. Those seemingly insignificant moments add up to a lifetime. Your lifetime. Remember that. Pay attention to your choices. Pay attention to your life. Time is the only currency worth worshipping.
And Lastly: This Goat with Sweet-Ass Parkour Moves
Sick to Death of Looking at Pretty:
May 30, 2014 § 2 Comments
Tom Cruise Wants To Go On a Date With You, He Isn’t Your Type But He Wins You Over With His Charm
Tom Cruise Makes You Laugh, You Try Not To Get Attached But You Can’t Help It, There’s Just Something About Him
Tom Cruise Makes You Feel Like Maybe This Love Thing Isn’t All BS
Tom Cruise Gives You Butterflies, Starts to Make You Feel Whole
Tom Cruise Introduces You as His Girlfriend
Tom Cruise Suddenly Grows Distant, Stops Asking You How Your Day Was
Tom Cruise Gets Easily Agitated, Starts Being Critical of Your Outfits
Tom Cruise Starts Picking Fights For No Reason
Tom Cruise Comes Home Late and is Dismissive When You Ask Where He’s Been
Tom Cruise Says, It’s Over, Asks You to Leave, Says There is Nothing Left to Say
Tom Cruise Misses You, Thinks About What He Could Have Done Differently
Tom Cruise Regrets What He Said, Wants You Back Now
Tom Cruise Doesn’t Know How To Live Without You
Tom Cruise Asks Dustin Hoffman How To Win You Back
Hoffman Thinks Maybe a New Hair Style Will Work
Tom Cruise Likes All Your Posts in Hopes He’ll Get Your Attention
Tom Cruise Says, Baby, I’m Sorry, Just Give Me a Chance to Make this Right. I Can Make This Right.
Tom Cruise Seems Different This Time Around
Tom Cruise Will Never Take You For Granted Again
Tom Cruise Stretches Before He Enters You
Tom Cruise Is Now The Father of Your Babies, He’s Such a Good Dad
The End. TOM CRUISE FOR-EVA EVA AFTER
May 16, 2014 § 1 Comment
Warning: Fuckkkkk…this is depressing. This guy will break your heart. But it’s that special kind of sad, the kind you’d pay $11.25 at a movie theater to experience.
This guy…this guy, he makes you want to set out on a mission to find every person whose ever hurt him, every person whose even looked at him the wrong way and hold them hostage, forcing them to curl up next to him and gently pet his hair while whispering, ‘hey, but at least we have each other’ until he feels better. Until he’s ok and snaps out of it. Until he wants to sign up for a triathlon, get some fro-yo and then maybe go for a sunset bike ride. Sheesh, this guy…
Or maybe it’s just me?
And also, Happy Friday, m’loves :)
Stuck in a Circle Jerk of Feelings:
Find more poems here
January 31, 2014 § 1 Comment
I’m super excited for Sunday! I don’t actually give a shit about the football part I’m just excited for the day drinking! I support any and all causes that make getting drunk before noon socially acceptable. I also support anything that is supremely popular because I don’t like to be left out.
Now for my Superbowl Sunday predictions:
I predict that Peyton’s brother, Eli, will start drinking a little too fast early on in the day and he’ll start annoying everyone by sticking that giant foam, We’re #1, finger in people’s faces. And one of Peyton’s friends will be like, ‘yo, cut it out!’ and Eli will be like, ‘easy breezy dude, just trying to have a good time’ but he’ll really be thinking, ‘who the fuck brought this guy?‘ and then slowly but surely Eli will get way too drunk like he always does. And Eli won’t even care or apologize to Cooper (Peyton’s youngest brother) who will have to miss the last quarter of the game to look after him when he gets sick.
And then Cooper will tell Peyton what happened and when Peyton brings it up to Eli, Eli will be like, ‘sorry man‘ but it won’t be a real apology because Eli never owns up to anything. And Peyton will feel like Eli doesn’t truly support him but he’ll choose to just drop it because no one, not even Eli, is going to ruin his special day.
And then months will pass and it’ll seem like Peyton and Eli are totally cool but then on Thanksgiving it’ll come up again. And this time it’s in front of pop-pop, who hates it when the boys fight. And Eli will try to avoid the issue by making Peyton seem petty. He’ll say something like, ‘oh, here we go again Peyton, let’s hear it’.
And Peyton will be so frustrated he’ll shut himself in the bathroom because he just needs a moment to himself and he’ll cry a little and Peyton hardly ever cries. And Eli will hear him and know on some level, deep down, he really is sorry but he doesn’t know how to say it. Then Peyton will pull himself together and head back to the table without another word because he just wants to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner like a normal family.
Years later Eli will work through his issues with a therapist and in a joint session between him and Peyton he’ll finally apologize and this time he’ll mean it.
We’re On Each Other’s Team
January 29, 2014 § 1 Comment
Justin, Justin, Justin…Biebs.
I am alarmed. I feel like we need to have a heart to heart. All that money and freedom has manifested itself into some pretty unbecoming behavior.
I write this because I am genuinely concerned which I’m sure comes off as a very disingenuous thing to say since I don’t know you personally and I’m not necessarily a fan but hear me out.
I’m sure you’ve worked hard to earn all that wonderful success but what you haven’t earned is the right to act like a fucking douche-bag, well, because no one has that right.
I realize that there wasn’t much of a chance in hell you’d grow up to be a well-balanced individual. You are the product of many collective bad decisions, most of which were not your own. And those oppressive life circumstances left you grasping at mere straws of reality. But you no longer have to worry cause your Auntie Jamie is here for you now.
And because I’m a cool Aunt I understand sometimes getting totally fucked and doing stupid shit is a fun and necessary part of life and that someone in your position has unlimited access to an ungodly amount of really anything and that are you are like, 20, and some would say good looking…
Ya know what? Now that I think about it – you’re fine.
I mean, I’m not saying you don’t seem like a total nightmare. And maybe it’s a flawed depiction but I think it’s pretty safe to assume you are the absolute worst. But you are Justin Bieber for god’s sake!
I won’t sugar coat it, a lot of people are talking shit, like mad shit, but you’ve given the world so much more than it will ever give you. Never forget that. All those haters are just jelly cause they wake up every morning not being Justin Bieber.
So I say lean in. Lean in hard. Throw eggs at your neighbor’s house, it’s practically an act of goodwill on your part to even acknowledge his presence. Party tits out, my lil’ Biebs. Why have a few regrets when you can have multiple? I believe it was Snoop Dogg who put it best when he said, ‘play on playa‘.
Yeah. That’s all I want. That’s all I really want for you.
We’re All No One To Someone:
January 9, 2013 § 5 Comments
Dating. It’s a tricky bitch. But do not fret, I’m here for you.
Everyone has their list of dealbreakers, even if it’s only a mental list. You meet a hot guy and you think to yourself, “Please God, don’t let him be racist.”
If you don’t have the time/energy to get together your own list, feel free to use mine. It’s pretty solid.
Jamie’s List of Deal-Breakers
- Bad at sports that aren’t really sports (i.e. kickball/dodgeball)
- This one can’t be helped. I have a knee jerking repulsion response towards anyone who sucks at a “sport” that is typically played by kids under the age of twelve. It’s not very nice of me, but its absolutely true.
- If you’re into the nose drugs
- I’m not judging. I just don’t want you wasting money on drugs you could be spending on me.
- If you have ever said, “Just let the grown-ups talk.”
- Har, har, har. That’s a real thing a human said to me once. Really, you think you’re smarter than me? I challenge you to a game of Trivial Pursuit. Right here. Right now. Winner gets to stab the loser. Loser gets to drive himself to the hospital.
- Sorry, nothing personal. I’m just more of a Sunday Fun-day kind of girl.
- You say, “I have a crazy ex-girlfriend”
- All I hear is, “I’m an asshole and I’ll eventually make you feel like you’re crazy.”
- Judgey McGee
- High morals = Low fun, that’s just math.
- And for God sakes, just pay the bill
- I would date a murderer before I’d date a bill splitter.
Just to be clear. This list is not a man-hating or man-bashing list. No. This is just my personal list of unbreakables. And you may have noticed it’s short (and that is not because I have low standards). It’s because I think people should be open when it comes to dating.
As cliche as it is, I think love can be found in the oddest of places (or people). It doesn’t do any harm to say yes, to that first AND second date with someone you initally think you have nothing in common with. At the very least you’ll gain a new experience. And if all goes well, you never know.
Long Story Short – Must Be Good In Bed:
January 4, 2013 § 5 Comments
Everyone seems to be throwing around the term ‘girl crush’ these days. I was unsure if that meant – I totally respect you as a fellow female? Or I want you to move in with me, so we can adopt a baby together?
Just to be on the safe side I decided to pick a girl crush that’ll work either way. And man, does this chick have style.
Ode to Miranda Kerr
- I like the way you comb your hair and the stylish clothes you wear
- You have a body that makes me seriously consider revisiting my eating disorder phase
- Because of you, I respect Orlando Bloom
- Miranda, why are you so pretty?
- And why does your baby have the cutest chubby cheeks I’ve ever seen?
- Will you move in with me, so we can adopt a baby together? Or we can just raise the one you already have? That’s fine too