April 28, 2014 § Leave a comment
Oh wait, that’s not how this works. Ok then I’ll give you some things I’ve been into lately.
Next time your crippling insecurities make you feel like shoving spoonfuls of frosting into your mouth watch this. Then go ahead and do the frosting thing anyways because frosting is delicious.
But be sure you remember: No matter what you look like someone out there would love to plant his face in your
This is lovely. Play on repeat.
Kind of like heroine. I have no idea how heroine works. Most likely not the same at all. What I meant by that is I’ve been binge watching this show via Netflix. So good.
Shhh…it’ll be over soon. Just a couple more.
And Then There is This:
Just to be clear I prefer dicks that are still attached but nonetheless – excellent exhibit, excellent documentary.
I only star dick pics.
And Lastly, This Dog Says ‘Fuck it’:
Now what? Guess that’s all for now.
As always I’ll miss you.
Love Your Vodka Guzzling Lunatic and Best Friend Forever,
Sweet Baby Jamie
I’m Not Being Very Helpful:
February 12, 2013 § 1 Comment
I’ve come to realize that a good deal of my posts make some kind of reference to alcohol in the excess. So I decided to set a few goals for myself this weekend.
Which Are As Follows:
- I will not walk home diagonally
- I will not scream out, “God Damn! This is my JAMMM!’
- I will not be the baddest bitch in this place with purple teeth
- I will hydrate with liquids that do not contain alcohol
- I will not eat the shit out of very average tasting nachos at 3AM and declare that they are the “most delicious thing I’ve ever tasted!”
- I will not use my rape whistle, pepper spray and karate skills recreationally
February 8, 2013 § Leave a comment
- There are 3 questions I ask myself every time I get dressed: Does this outfit make me look like an alcoholic? If I fall down is there a chance my lady parts will be exposed? And the ever classic – is my fatness showing?
- I don’t hold grudges. I just hate you for what you did.
- How come whenever you see a picture or drawing of a mermaid she is super hot? It seems unrealistic that all mermaids are really good looking. Most likely a lot of them are just average and I’m sure at least a few are pretty white trashy.
- The jig is up. I’ll admit it, I don’t know what the fuck you are talking about.
- I am a hugger who force-hugs non-huggers.
Wake Me When I’m Famous:
February 7, 2013 § 5 Comments
1. Things That Sparkle
Cause I’m never not into sparkles. Adults need sparkles. They really do. And if you don’t agree, then I guess you have a lot of growing up to do.
I’m aware both awesome-ness and utter despair still exist. I’m just not interested in either at the moment. I really don’t care (as I previously mentioned with the whole apathy thing).
3. These Sneakers
Actually maybe I should take these off the post because I’m totally going to get them. And I really don’t want everyone else to have the same pair. But then I’d have to find something else to put here and what if I didn’t find anything I liked? Then I’d be forced to lie about being into whatever it was. So how about I just give you a warning – Seriously, don’t even think about getting these. Ok? Agreed?
Wait – scratch that. I just saw how much they cost and I’m way to poor for that shit.
To the woman out there who ends up buying these, promise me you’ll give them the life I never could.
4. Printed Jeans
I’m going to wear my printed jeans for the rest of my life. And if somewhere along the line I happen to get pregnant, that won’t stop me. I’ll just be forced to turn them into maternity printed jeans but luckily I won’t have to have them taken back in afterwards, since losing the baby weight is completely unheard of.*
Cause it’s cold out bitches!**
*What do you mean Miranda Kerr has had a baby?!!
**LA cold, not actual cold. Also LC, we get it you’re pretty. Stop shoving it in our faces.
February 6, 2013 § 5 Comments
- The guy who is into you way more than you are into him but you date anyway because all of your friends have boyfriends.
- The guy who is into you until you are into him (one minute he ignores you and the next he is obsessed). Then you eventually realize this game of ‘playing hard to get’ is really just a game of ‘how long can I string this bitch along’.
- The guy who fits the description of everything you thought you wanted and forces you to realize that maybe ‘Ivy League, Sucks The Fun Out Of the Room And Wears A Sweater Vest Non-Ironically’ isn’t your thing after all.
- The guy who you know is all wrong for you and could even pass as homeless (in a hot way) but you have fun together so you decide you are going to ride it out till it ‘stops being fun’ or until he sells all of his personal belongings and buys a one way ticket to the Republic of Congo.
- The guy who you think is your soul mate until you sober up.
- The guy who is in the boy band or who was on that one season of Real World or who used to date Mischa Barton or who has some other low grade ‘claim to fame’.
- The guy who you think is really deep but then turns out to be a complete sociopath. (Usually the same guy who is suspiciously “independently wealthy”)
- The guy who turns you into the type of girl who goes through her boyfriend’s phone.
- The guy who has cancer, is currently going through chemo and has one leg.
- And most likely you’ll repeat dating a few of these cause even if you are a genius, we’re all pretty stupid.
Then eventually you’ll date, the guy who makes you realize you’ve never properly been loved until you were loved by him AKA ‘The One’.
Don’t You Fucking Dare Friend Request Me:
February 5, 2013 § 5 Comments
- You can’t take back the shit you don’t remember saying. And there’s a strong possibility it was some pretty messed up shit.
- It’s really hard to not fall down in 4 inch heels.
- I am officially “too old for this shit”.
- If you puke in the cab, that cabbie will come after you.
- There’s a chance you might die. (This is something I make sure to remind myself before I leave the house.)
- It’s a waste of time to worry about what other people think of you.
- Making friends with total strangers isn’t always a bad thing but sometimes, its a very bad thing.
- Last night’s impromptu dance party, is next week’s ‘lying about how I got this black eye’.
- 90% of my time is spent suppressing my crazy, 3% is spent humiliating myself and 7% is spent formulating a strategy for redemption.*
- I am ‘that girl’.
I Make Little To No Effort To Take Care Of Myself:
*Not accounted for is approximately .025% spent picking up my credit card from the bar the next day.
January 9, 2013 § 5 Comments
Dating. It’s a tricky bitch. But do not fret, I’m here for you.
Everyone has their list of dealbreakers, even if it’s only a mental list. You meet a hot guy and you think to yourself, “Please God, don’t let him be racist.”
If you don’t have the time/energy to get together your own list, feel free to use mine. It’s pretty solid.
Jamie’s List of Deal-Breakers
- Bad at sports that aren’t really sports (i.e. kickball/dodgeball)
- This one can’t be helped. I have a knee jerking repulsion response towards anyone who sucks at a “sport” that is typically played by kids under the age of twelve. It’s not very nice of me, but its absolutely true.
- If you’re into the nose drugs
- I’m not judging. I just don’t want you wasting money on drugs you could be spending on me.
- If you have ever said, “Just let the grown-ups talk.”
- Har, har, har. That’s a real thing a human said to me once. Really, you think you’re smarter than me? I challenge you to a game of Trivial Pursuit. Right here. Right now. Winner gets to stab the loser. Loser gets to drive himself to the hospital.
- Sorry, nothing personal. I’m just more of a Sunday Fun-day kind of girl.
- You say, “I have a crazy ex-girlfriend”
- All I hear is, “I’m an asshole and I’ll eventually make you feel like you’re crazy.”
- Judgey McGee
- High morals = Low fun, that’s just math.
- And for God sakes, just pay the bill
- I would date a murderer before I’d date a bill splitter.
Just to be clear. This list is not a man-hating or man-bashing list. No. This is just my personal list of unbreakables. And you may have noticed it’s short (and that is not because I have low standards). It’s because I think people should be open when it comes to dating.
As cliche as it is, I think love can be found in the oddest of places (or people). It doesn’t do any harm to say yes, to that first AND second date with someone you initally think you have nothing in common with. At the very least you’ll gain a new experience. And if all goes well, you never know.
Long Story Short – Must Be Good In Bed:
December 10, 2012 § 1 Comment
You ever wake up soul-less? My answer? All the time. And my first thought is always, maybe I should go back to the bar and ask the bartender if anyone turned it in. And as long as he’s back there searching through this make believe lost and found, could he also look for my self respect, virginity and about a dozen old credit cards.
But then I think – F*ck it, I’ll just grab a coconut water and eat myself to death while watching endless episodes of Kitchen Nightmares.
You know how it goes, one minute your downing shots of Jameson and the next minute your pulling the whole ‘puke and roll’ move. Rough night. But what’s really rough is the next day. And I’ve been hungover enough to know what places to avoid at all costs.
Jamie’s Guide of Places to Avoid While Hungover
- Kenny Chesney Concert or really, any country music concert
- Six Flags Magic Mountain
- Any form of public transportation
- Christmas shopping
- Helping a friend move
- A party bus
- Any place of worship
- An AA Meeting
- Trader Joe’s on a Sunday
Jamie’s List of The Worst Places To Vomit
- A secret hiding place – because the non-drunk version of yourself will eventually find it
- In your car – no amount of interior detailing is detailed enough, you’ll be stuck enjoying the faint smell of vomit for the next 6 to 12 months
- On public transportation during rush hour – its enough shame to last a lifetime
- At your company’s holiday party
- Into your own lungs
I Puke Glitter: