Just Love Me
February 10, 2014 § 9 Comments
I love Valentine’s Day! I’ve always loved it, even when I was single because I could be a mess at the bar and people would just assume I was sad instead of an alcoholic.
Every year I send out Valentines to all my lovies (seriously I do) but the selection is always extremely limited. I never feel as if I can fully express myself with what’s currently out there. So I decided to make my own.
Cards By Jamie
How to Not Wish Yourself Dead on Wednesday
December 31, 2013 § 7 Comments
NYE is here! And I for one am stoked. Teary eyed dreamers often think of NYE as a send off for all the old shitty stuff and a welcoming party for what hopefully won’t be a year of soul decaying boredom. To celebrate it’s tradition to get shit faced and open mouth kiss each other. But here’s the thing, all those drinks can leave you waking up with the dreaded ‘next day’ feeling. So to help you avoid starting your new year in a shame spiral I’d like to offer some advice.
Bitches Be Advisin’
1. Say No to Snapchats
Dear Drunk Girl: Stop. Please, I beg of you. Do not press send. No good can come of this.
This…this is not a good look. Trust.
2. Tacos Give Me a Lady Boner
A liquid diet may seem like a savvy way to save calories but it’s an express train to vom-town. Or to put it another way, eat food because puking is never hot.
3. Hide How Trashed You are by Shutting Your Trap
Mix in a little vodka and the next thing you know you are one sassy lady. Mix in a tad too much and you are one sassy lunatic. See the difference? I love you but for your own good, ‘Shhhh…don’t ruin it. No one hates you yet.’
4. Feelings are a No-No
As a girl I know first hand, feelings are the worst. So if you start to feel the tingle of feelings, repeat after me: You can’t hurt me cause I’m already dead inside. If that doesn’t work find yourself a secret crying place and stay away from razor blades.
5. Stranger Danger
Do your best to avoid intercourse with strangers. A drunk weirdo that claims to like all the same stupid crap you like does not a soul mate make.
Lastly if you wake up on Wednesday to find that you failed to follow my advice. Here’s something to help put things into perspective.
You will fucking die some day.
So really who cares. These things matter the least. My real advice to you is do whatever the hell makes you happy. Unless it’s murdering people. Don’t do that.
And like I always say, what I do drunk is none of my business. What I mean by that is, don’t you dare try to fill me in. It’s called black out for a reason.
A Little Party Never Killed Nobody:
Vegas, That’s What’s Up
April 5, 2013 § Leave a comment
I love the shit out of girl’s weekends! Here’s how its going down. First we gonna have a slumber party, then we gonna have a mother lovin’ tea party, then we gonna do some fancy spa shit and then you know what happens next whoo-whoo, awww yeah!
Vegas, baby, Vegas.
So there you have it, I’m out to fulfill my destiny of being the loud screamy girl. And you my friend, you have a blasty blast of a weekend as well. I’ll miss you.
Happy Bachelorette Weekend Sissy!
Failing Is The New Making It
January 1, 2013 § Leave a comment
New Year’s might be my least favorite holiday. It makes me think about how much time has passed. Which makes me think about getting older. Which makes me think about looking older. Which makes me think about elective surgeries. Which ultimately, makes me think about death.
Most of the time I’m all hearts and glitter, so just let me have this small dark moment.
The further along I get in my life, the more awareness I have of the fact that I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. Truth be told I feel like a 21 year old stuck in an older zombie version of myself.
Is it really already 2013? I mean, where is my house in the hills? Where is the book deal for my autobiography? And most importantly, where is my baby panda?
What the fuck is going on here? I need more time! (I’m talking to you, Universe.)
If anyone out there can relate, I think we should probably hug.
Am I Bored? Maybe I’m Just Hungry?
2013, Pinky Swear You’ll Be Good To Me
December 31, 2012 § Leave a comment
Its that time of the year to pop, fizz, clink and kiss 2012 good-bye.
Have a brilliant New Years, you bastards! See you in 2013, xo
I Want To Kiss Your Face, But Only At Midnight:
Cheers, Bitches!
December 24, 2012 § 2 Comments
