A Lady’s Guide to Getting Free Drinks

September 9, 2014 § 7 Comments

I am a feminist. I support any and all efforts to create a society where the social, political and economic rights of women are equal to that of men. The reason I start with that declaration is because I could see how a woman expecting a man to purchase the first round of beverages could be interpreted as a bit sexist. And in a way it is, but in another way I don’t give a shit.

Also, I think it’s important to recognize feminism can come in many different forms, which is why I promise to revisit my stance on this subject once the 30% pay gap is closed.

Some men may be hesitant to buy a lady a drink. Maybe they think thirsty bitches (their words not mine) will take them for everything they got, one pinot grigio at a time. Usually these are the same men who use a woman’s every move as an excuse to talk to her. Call me old fashioned, but I’d be much more likely to talk to a fella who bought me a drink. Call me old fashioned, but I’d judge the fuck out of one who didn’t. Maybe that’s just me?

Anywho let’s get started:

#1 Googly Eyes

Googly eyes is when you hold the gaze of your selected dude a moment longer than the socially accepted standard. I’m sure the majority of you are now eye rolling like you’re stuck in gif purgatory. Well, duh right? It seems like a total no-brainer but, like a lot of things in life, timing is key. To demonstrate the perfect amount of time I’m going to use a visual metaphor, because that’s how my mind works, like an illiterate child’s.

Imagine you are hiking, and you approach a field of wildflowers. There in the close distance you spot the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen, a young fawn. It senses your presence. Its head pops up. Its eyes focus on yours, long enough for one exhale, long enough for your souls to merge. You blink and you’re back in the bar. Your fawn is now a girl. She smiles. She turns back to her friends.*

#1 Section 2 – The Bar is a Safe Place

What if you gave him the perfect amount of googly eyes and he’s still not approaching? Well there may be a few variables working against you. Are you in a co-ed group? Are there any girls with resting bitch face? If your male of choice is introverted, these factors may give him room for pause. Which means you’re going to have to lure him to the bar. The bar is a safe place. In order to do this you must slam your drink, separate yourself from the group and head to the bar, and while en route you give him a look.

And now we wait…

Ninety-eight percent of the time your selected dude will just happen to also need a refill and will just happen to saddle up right next to you at the bar. Oh hai, fancy meeting you here.

The two percent that don’t respond to this move are either not interested in females or taken. And it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not as long as you believe it. That’s the beauty of delusion.

#2 Fake Bachelorette Party

Give a group of women the license to ‘let loose’ and you will get a drunken tidal wave of the horniest, sloppiest, screechiest girls imaginable. But you don’t have to wait for an actual bachelorette party to enjoy a penis-themed night of semi-questionable decisions.

How to throw a fake bachelorette party:

You’ll need a group of girls, a boa and/or tiara, and of course some penis-shaped items. Then choose your bachelorette. I suggest switching off. Because here’s a fun fact – guys want what they can’t have (what?? groundbreaking isn’t it??!) which means the “bachelorette” will get hit on ten times more than everyone else. Regardless of who is playing the part. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, people.

Now all other party participants choose an alias and make up an awesome backstory. You can be whoever you want. Why? Cause bullshitting strangers is fun! Although I’d avoid accents. Once you get drunk it’s hard to maintain consistency.

  • Pros: no lines for you, lots of free shots, role playing awesomeness
  • Cons: too many free shots

#3 Let’s Make a Deal

You’re at the bar. The bartender is busy. Everyone impatiently tries to get his/her attention. You and the dude next to you share a ‘god-this-is-so annoying’ look. You say, ‘Hey dude, let’s make a deal. You get his attention first, put in an order for me. If I get his attention I’ll put in your order.” Now you simply avoid eye contact with the bartender. Dude orders for you. You offer dude money. Dude says no cause his mama raised him right. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.

#4 I’ve Never Had That

You overhear a dude’s order. It sounds delicious. You say, ‘Is that good? I’ve never had that.’ Dude can’t believe you’ve never had (drink you’ve totally had). Dude insist he get you one. Dude says, ‘bartender make it two’. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.

#5 Game on bitch

Challenge him. Guys are competitive by nature. If there is a game nearby, most likely it’ll be darts. Approach him and say, “Hey, you up for a game? Loser buys drinks.” Then you just have to win. I kid, I kid, you don’t have to win. 90% of dudes are chivalrous enough to insist on purchasing the round regardless of the outcome. The other 10% are too short sighted to see the big picture win.

#6 Seem Really Bored

Guys love to swoop in and rescue a bored lil’ lady.

#7 Have Fun

Guys love to swoop in on a super fun lady.

#8 You Approach Him

I know, I know. Guys love a chase. Guys love girls who never give them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve been caught. I know that shit works but I also know it’s exhausting.

Which is why I’m a much bigger fan of the approach him method. There is a special power in not giving a shit. In walking straight up to a dude, tapping him on the shoulder and saying, ‘excuse me sir but I really like your face and well…buy me a drink or lose me forever.’

99.9983% of the time, that works every time. I picked up my dude in this very fashion which is why whenever he says something along the lines of ‘you are a crazy person,’ I retort with, ‘AH-DOYYY, pretty sure you knew that when you met me.’

But if that’s not your style then here are some more subtle approaches:

Ask for his expert opinion: Cheesy and transparent when guys use this approach but roles reversed, extremely effective. Guys are natural problem solvers, it plays to their ego. Start in with something like, ‘I’m sorry, this is so dumb, but my friend and I are having an argument and you look like someone who might know something about (insert anything this dude could have an opinion about).

Compliment him: Girls are constantly on the defense about compliments because they are used to getting hit on. Guys on the other hand are usually genuinely flattered. ‘Hi. You are very handsome.’  Thatsssss it.

Fall for him: Or rather into him. This is a total grade school move, but by god if it doesn’t work. Your friend pushes you, you trip, you accidentally hit him with your purse, any of those things. And then you’re like, ‘oh no, I’m so sorry. Are you ok? Did I spill on you? Bee-tee-dubs I’m Jamie.

Drop something: Yup, I said it. Go ahead and pull the most classic and utterly offensive of all female tropes – the damsel in distress. “Whoopsies, I dropped my purse. Oh no, it spilt everywhere. What’s a girl to do?” I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t put this out there in the world if it weren’t so astonishingly effective.

Say pretty much anything: Unless you say something horrifyingly creepy, what you say upon approaching really doesn’t matter that much. You have a vagina, remember? Here’s an example, ‘Excuse me, do you have a cat?‘ No, why? ‘Cause I’m allergic to cats so that would be a deal breaker. Hi, I’m Jamie.

End of Lesson One

In all honesty, I feel real shitty about writing this post. Not only do I feel like I just set feminism back fifty years but these games we play with the opposite sex, although very very fun, they’re kind of assholey. But in my defense I never said I was a good person…

I Regret Nothing:

Inspiration Lush

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 * I’m not comparing women to underage animals. It’s just a metaphor. Don’t ruin it with your logic.

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Sadder

May 16, 2014 § 1 Comment

Warning: Fuckkkkk…this is depressing. This guy will break your heart. But it’s that special kind of sad, the kind you’d pay $11.25 at a movie theater to experience.

This guy…this guy, he makes you want to set out on a mission to find every person whose ever hurt him, every person whose even looked at him the wrong way and hold them hostage, forcing them to curl up next to him and gently pet his hair while whispering, ‘hey, but at least we have each other’ until he feels better. Until he’s ok and snaps out of it. Until he wants to sign up for a triathlon, get some fro-yo and then maybe go for a sunset bike ride. Sheesh, this guy…

Or maybe it’s just me?

And also, Happy Friday, m’loves :)

 Stuck in a Circle Jerk of Feelings:

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

Find more poems here

How To Be a Writer

May 15, 2014 § 3 Comments

And Other Life Lessons from Someone Who Is Only Barely Keeping It Together:
  •  Drink a lot. Drink till you strong-arm strangers into letting you give them piggy back rides and then you fall down and skin your knee and now your jeans have a hole in them.
  • Be existential to the point where it stifles your ability to have a conversation that doesn’t loop back to space and / or death. 
  • Watch people interact and make up backstories about their lives, previous lives and any future lives. 
  • Be an above average failer. Fail and fail again. And every time you fall off course, reassure yourself by convincing yourself ‘this is your path.’ Because it is. 
  • Be super broke all the time. Money is for people who want to buy things. 
  • Over-analyze everything. Cause who needs sleep?
  • Really care about what others think of you, even people you’ve never met.
  • Be in touch with your emotions. I like to do my crying during my daily commute to and from work. Thank god for LA traffic or I’d never find the time.
  • Read. Seriously. If books ever die I’ll be sad forever.
  • Be around whatever / whoever makes your heart go boom.
  • Don’t edit. People are always more than happy to point out your grammar mistakes. It would be cruel to take that away from them.
  • Think about shit. Like why hasn’t anyone update the keyhole? It seems like a pretty easy thing to do yet it’s been completely overlooked. Remember in Back to the Future II when she just scanned her thumb print? This world needs updated keyholes, less guns and, like, at least 10 times more shaved ice shops. 
  • Resolve to live in gratitude rather than regret. Don’t fall victim to the past or be a slave to the future. Now, is where it’s at.
  • Fuel the fuck up. 5-hour energy. Coffee SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS. I like to be cracked out to the point of WebMDing chest pains. (That’s for script writing. For blog stuff I prefer wine till I’m red in the teeth and crying at Youtube videos.)
  • Own your uniqueness. There’s a fine line between masturbating about yourself and completely turning your back on that magical sparkle that makes you you. Find that special place, nestle in and pay rent until you can afford a down payment on the mortgage there.
  • Draw strength from your spirit animal. Be it a lion, a shark or a butterfly.
  • Live life like it’s a god damn fairy tale. Even when it’s not. Even when it’s super shit. Because even when it’s super shit you’re still not dead. And that’s something right?
  • And lastly – write. It’s been said before but it’s worth repeating, you can’t be a writer if you’re not writing. You can’t even call yourself a writer if you’re not writing. Those are the rules. I didn’t make them, I just try to abide by them. And I advise you to do the same, my fellow writers, write the shit out of whatever the fuck you’re writing. I support you.

Ok, I think were done here. But also, I recommend you print this, fold it pamphlet style and keep it somewhere handy. Love you like a love song.

Oh one more thing, I liked this – Abandoned places around the world.

But This Wind Machine Is Just a Fan?

Underwater Photography

water photography / inspiration lush

Walking Through Water / Inspiration Lush

Underwater Photography

Underwater Photography

Underwater Photography

Cannon ball / inspiration lush

Bike in water / inspiration lush

Happily Drowning / Inspiration Lush

Drain / Water Photography / Inspiration Lush

How to Not Wish Yourself Dead on Wednesday

December 31, 2013 § 7 Comments

NYE is here! And I for one am stoked. Teary eyed dreamers often think of NYE as a send off for all the old shitty stuff and a welcoming party for what hopefully won’t be a year of soul decaying boredom. To celebrate it’s tradition to get shit faced and open mouth kiss each other. But here’s the thing, all those drinks can leave you waking up with the dreaded ‘next day’ feeling. So to help you avoid starting your new year in a shame spiral I’d like to offer some advice.

Bitches Be Advisin’

1. Say No to Snapchats

Dear Drunk Girl: Stop. Please, I beg of you. Do not press send. No good can come of this.

This…this is not a good look. Trust.

That was never suppose to see the light of

2. Tacos Give Me a Lady Boner

A liquid diet may seem like a savvy way to save calories but it’s an express train to vom-town. Or to put it another way, eat food because puking is never hot.

Katie Price Eating

3. Hide How Trashed You are by Shutting Your Trap

Mix in a little vodka and the next thing you know you are one sassy lady. Mix in a tad too much and you are one sassy lunatic. See the difference? I love you but for your own good, ‘Shhhh…don’t ruin it. No one hates you yet.’

Titanic Shut up

4. Feelings are a No-No

As a girl I know first hand, feelings are the worst. So if you start to feel the tingle of feelings, repeat after me: You can’t hurt me cause I’m already dead inside. If that doesn’t work find yourself a secret crying place and stay away from razor blades.

Lauren Conrad Crying

5. Stranger Danger

Do your best to avoid intercourse with strangers. A drunk weirdo that claims to like all the same stupid crap you like does not a soul mate make.

Making out with a dolphin

Lastly if you wake up on Wednesday to find that you failed to follow my advice. Here’s something to help put things into perspective.

You will fucking die some day.

So really who cares. These things matter the least. My real advice to you is do whatever the hell makes you happy. Unless it’s murdering people. Don’t do that.

And like I always say, what I do drunk is none of my business. What I mean by that is, don’t you dare try to fill me in. It’s called black out for a reason.

A Little Party Never Killed Nobody:

hot girls party

Black and white party pic

Par-tay

Rager

glitter party

young wild and free

Giant champagne bottle

Sponge bob licking hot guy

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