My Superbowl Predictions

January 31, 2014 § 1 Comment

I’m super excited for Sunday! I don’t actually give a shit about the football part I’m just excited for the day drinking! I support any and all causes that make getting drunk before noon socially acceptable. I also support anything that is supremely popular because I don’t like to be left out.

Now for my Superbowl Sunday predictions:

I predict that Peyton’s brother, Eli, will start drinking a little too fast early on in the day and he’ll start annoying everyone by sticking that giant foam, We’re #1, finger in people’s faces. And one of Peyton’s friends will be like, ‘yo, cut it out!’ and Eli will be like, ‘easy breezy dude, just trying to have a good time’ but he’ll really be thinking, ‘who the fuck brought this guy?‘ and then slowly but surely Eli will get way too drunk like he always does. And Eli won’t even care or apologize to Cooper (Peyton’s youngest brother) who will have to miss the last quarter of the game to look after him when he gets sick.

And then Cooper will tell Peyton what happened and when Peyton brings it up to Eli, Eli will be like, ‘sorry man‘ but it won’t be a real apology because Eli never owns up to anything. And Peyton will feel like Eli doesn’t truly support him but he’ll choose to just drop it because no one, not even Eli, is going to ruin his special day.

And then months will pass and it’ll seem like Peyton and Eli are totally cool but then on Thanksgiving it’ll come up again. And this time it’s in front of pop-pop, who hates it when the boys fight. And Eli will try to avoid the issue by making Peyton seem petty. He’ll say something like, ‘oh, here we go again Peyton, let’s hear it’.

And Peyton will be so frustrated he’ll shut himself in the bathroom because he just needs a moment to himself and he’ll cry a little and Peyton hardly ever cries. And Eli will hear him and know on some level, deep down, he really is sorry but he doesn’t know how to say it. Then Peyton will pull himself together and head back to the table without another word because he just wants to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner like a normal family.

Years later Eli will work through his issues with a therapist and in a joint session between him and Peyton he’ll finally apologize and this time he’ll mean it.

We’re On Each Other’s Team

Peyton Manning / Eli Manning

Peyton and Eli Manning

Archie Peyton Eli Manning

Peyton and Eli Manning

Eli Manning Peyton Manning

Peyton Cooper and Eli Manning Old Photo

THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!

May 9, 2013 § 5 Comments

Rules, Thoughts & Questions I Have When Playing With Children:

  • How much glitter is too much glitter?
  • Will there be alcoholic beverages in your fort? If not, can I BYOB? And if the answer to that is no, then my answer is also no. No, I would not like to play in your fort.
  • I’ll do my best to censor myself but if I accidentally let something slip then I reserve the right to apply the 5 second rule for take-backs. If I forget or am unable to call the 5 second rule, then and only then is your tattle tale-ing acceptable.
  • I’m good with children because yeah, I totally get where they are coming from. Why DOES Allie get all the cool toys while we are stuck over here with this stupid play-dough??
  • Do you have any gummy bears?
  • I agree the dark is super spooky! And yeah absolutely its possible there’s a monster under the bed or in the closet but most likely BOTH!!
  • Cherish these moments cause when you cry on the floor in public places as an adult they don’t call it a tantrum, they call the cops.
  • I know for a fact I know more than you cause you’re a virgin. So there.
  • Can I borrow that headband?
  • Do you think they make your dress in my size?
  • I’d rather not see the world through a child’s eyes cause that means I’m stuck staring at crotches all day.
  • You must tell me your skin care regimen. Your skin is amazing. I must have your face. Give it to me.
  • I also eat baby food. It’s technically normal food but since I’m crying the entire time I think it still counts.

P.S. You little ones are the future. So I would like to respectfully ask that you do your best to un-fuck everything in the world we’ve fucked so far. I know that’s a lot to ask but I have full faith in all of you.

Suri, When Are We Hanging Out? Text Me:

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Child with sassy face

Kids Old Man Costume / Halloween

Colorlicious Kids

Kids at Play

Kid Fishing

Happy little girl

Where The Wild Things Are / Kids Costume

My Little Pony Meme

Hopefully I’m Preaching To The Choir On This One

March 27, 2013 § 1 Comment

Yesterday social media sites were flooded with supporters of same-sex marriage showin’ the love, which made my heart very happy.

Its about love. Well of course, its about love. But its also about equality. If you don’t happen to be gay then play along with me for a moment and imagine that these are a few of your rights that will continue to be denied if the Supreme Court votes against same-sex marriage:

You wouldn’t be able to see your loved one in the ICU, even if it turned out to be their final hours.

If you raised a child together and you separated, you would have no legal rights to custody or visitiation of that child. Or if your partner died, you would not be the guardian. They would go back into the system. And adopting a child as a single parent is a battle not easily won.

Even if you and your partner were together for 30 years, if they died you would have no rights to their belongings, which could include the house you live in. And you wouldn’t get a say in any of the burial decision either.

Then there are the tax deductions you wouldn’t get, shared health benefits you wouldn’t received, you wouldn’t be able to sue for ‘wrongful death’ if something happened to your partner, there would be no conjugal visits if your loved one was incarcerated, no immigration or residency benefits for non-citizen partners, no alimony or child support upon separation, you wouldn’t be able to claim ‘marital communication’ if you were called to testify against your partner and unfortunately the list goes on.

Its wrong to deny anyone these rights. Its disgusting its still up for debate. But I have complete faith everything is going to turn out wonderful and I’ll have some pretty sweet weddings to attend in the near future.

We Belong Together:

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Something’s Been Missing In My Life

February 27, 2013 § 6 Comments

And its Arrested Development.

I know the release date is still months away but I’m stupidly excited about the new season on Netflix. And if you happen to need another reason to get excited about the upcoming season…then get out of my blog. Leave now. Seriously get out.

Ok for the rest of you who are still with me, aren’t you just shit-your-pants excited that Ben Stiller, Seth Rogan and Kristen Wiig will be guest starring?!

Can. Not. Wait.

Has Anyone In This Family Ever Even Seen A Chicken?

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Remember – Girls With Low Self-Esteem, F*ck City, Never Nude and Afternoon Delight?? Just to name a few. I could go on, its all so painfully awesome but I think you get my point by now.

In Other News

February 20, 2013 § 2 Comments

I am really hurting here people. Yesterday something horrific happened. I received a package from Staples (that’s not the horrific part), this is – when I opened this package inside was a live….COCKROACH!

I didn’t order 3 binders, a set of assorted colored gel pens and one giant cockroach? I don’t know how it got there?!

Maybe a disgruntled Staples employee had a workplace accident but the insurance guy ruled in the company’s favor. And now this employee is left with endless hospital bills and a thankless job. So when he went back to work on the assembly line he screamed, ‘EVERYBODY GET OUT I NEED A MINUTE’. And as soon as the room had cleared he started placing cockroach after cockroach into every single delivery, the whole time laughing and laughing and laughing. But this is just small potatoes cause he’s planning on taking down the whole operation! I don’t know all the details? I’m still trying to piece it together myself?!

Or maybe that’s not it at all.

Maybe the cockroach entered the box on his own free will. Maybe he told his pregnant cockroach wife and his 3,000 cockroach children that he was going out for smokes but really he thought, ‘I’m gonna blow this pop-stand!’ and hopped an outgoing delivery to freedom. And you may smugly think: what a dead-beat dad; but you haven’t even heard his side of the story. He knows he should hang in there, he knows its wrong but he’s wearing thin. ‘You don’t know everything that goes into raising 3,000 baby cockroaches’, he says! Finally he got to a point where he couldn’t even remember his own name and the rest of his life flashed before his eyes and thats when he finally cracked!

I told you, I DON’T KNOW? But what I do know is for some horrible reason that cockroach is holding my school supplies hostage. And I’m assuming he will continue to do so until I adhere to all his demands (which he’ll most likely slip under my door once I fall asleep).

And even though this cockroach is clearly trespassing I refuse to kill anything even if it is a vile and ugly (and most likely mean-spirited). So I did the humane thing and put another box over that box. For now, my plan is to just wait it out until he goes crazy from solitude and eventually takes his own life.

Or I’ll wait until someone braver comes by and I’ll politely ask them to set him free outside.

I don’t know how I got here, this got a little weird…but thanks for your support.

I’m Not Angry, I’m Just Really Disappointed In You – Staples or Disgruntled Employee or Absentee Father Cockroach:

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I felt a little self-conscious about this post because it fully exposes my weirdness, so I decided to send it to my little brother before posting. He gave me several very useful suggestions that I fully appreciated but didn’t use at all. Actually I’ll just paste the conversation here so you get what I’m talking about.

Me: I’m seeing a bunch of mistakes
but also I’m really asking about content. Is it too weird?
Brother: yeah it’s riddled
Me: well then help me!
I’m mean if u have time, that is
Brother: ok first off, i think it would be funnier if it was less hysterical
Me: ok but I felt hysterical
cause this REALLY happened to me!
Brother: No I understand
but I would lose a lot of the question marks and exclamation points
Me: good note
Brother: I would make it a lot drier
Mind if I just make some notes and send it back to you?
And he did send me notes, a lot of notes. His version was actually way better than mine but yet I still decided against making changes.

I Need More Hugs Than Normal People

January 25, 2013 § 7 Comments

Do you want to hear the wonderful way in which my father tricked me into holding the dead frozen carcass of my most beloved pet? Of course you do.

I’ll start from the beginning. When I was nine I had a beautiful pure-breed mini rex bunny named Velvet. I loved Velvet. Velvet was awesome.

This particular Summer my mom convinced my sister and I to take a road trip with her from Northern Cali down to Southern Cali to spend a few days in Disneyland. (At least that is the story we were told. What we weren’t told was, we’d be taking several planned ‘pit-stops’ at ALL of the California Missions.)

My dad, being much smarter than us, said he would be staying home.

We were gone about two weeks and in that time I had missed Velvet dearly. So naturally, the first thing I did upon returning home was cheerfully run to his cage, bend down and pick him up. “Wake up little baby Velvet.” I said. Only Velvet didn’t wake up.

I realized something was wrong. Very wrong. I thought to myself while petting his smooth, damp, hard as ice, freezing cold body. ‘Strange? I don’t remember Velvet being so…so… FROZEN?!’

Turns out, my dad had apparently “forgotten to mention” that Velvet had indeed died while we were away. So with the very best intentions, he made what he thought was the most logical choice at the time. He had placed Velvet in a storage size Ziploc bag, put that bag into the freezer and then returned the rock hard frozen bunny body back into the cage moments before we arrived. As if none of it had happened.

Upon hearing this – my nine year old self screamed, “You murderer! How could you let Velvet die??!” With years of insight between myself and this incident as a full grown woman I would now yell – “You murderer! How could you let Velvet fucking die??!”

To patch up this situation my parents quickly replaced Velvet with Cookie. Only Cookie was an asshole. Cookie scratched the shit out of you every time you attempted to hold him. And just like the asshole he was, Cookie took his sweet time dying of natural causes.

If I went to therapy, my therapist would probably say that replacing dead pets immediately with new un-dead* pets, without proper time for mourning, has formulated how I deal with loss of any kind in adulthood. But therapy is for people with solid health coverage.

To my family:

Dad – This is an official, ‘No offense’, which means you can not have Mom call me to tell me that I’m shaming the family name by putting everything up on the “world wide web”.  You’ve taught me a lot of really valuable shit. One of those lessons being, how not to handle the death of a beloved childhood pet. Thank you.

Mom – I’m really glad I’ve seen ALL of the California Missions. Thank you.

This post is dedicated to Velvet. I’ll see you in bunny heaven and I’ll never ever let anything bad happen to you again.

What The F*ck Did I Do In A Past Life To Deserve That Level Of Childhood Pranking:

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*By un-dead, I do not mean zombie animals.

Step 9

December 6, 2012 § 1 Comment

Eventually when I do my first stint in rehab, I’ll get to the part where I have to apologize to all the people I’ve wronged in my life. Instead of putting it off, I’ve decided to take a moment and get one out of the way now.

Dear Little Brother,

As you know most of the time I get over shit pretty quickly. Mostly cause I’m such a reasonable person but more mostly cause my memory is really bad. Yet there is one very un-fun memory that has always stuck with me. What I’m trying to say is; I’m sorry that my dick-head friends duct taped you and locked you in the closet that one time I threw a party.

I’ve always felt really bad that I wasn’t watching you closer or that I hadn’t bribed you to spend the night at a friend’s house. I had hoped you buried the memory so far deep down inside that you completely forgot but since you weren’t actually that young, there’s a good chance you didn’t.

Unless you don’t know what I’m talking about and if that’s the case – then this is a weird joke??! Huh?!

And while I’m at it…MB, the most wonderful person in the world, I’m sorry I ditched you that one time in the 6th grade, that was really fucked up of me.

Anyways, I love both of you more than outer-space and Facebook combined. Please, forgive me otherwise I’ll pass-out and die. And then come back to haunt you as an evil version of myself.

xo,

Jamie

We Hug Now?

Dog and Goat Hugging

Otter Hug Penguin

Bear and Cub Hug

Koala's Hug

wolves hugging

Dogs Hugging

Lion Hug

gopher hugs

Penguins Hugging

Awkward

December 5, 2012 § 7 Comments

Just to be fair, I guess I’ll throw in an embarrassing something about myself for this family themed week…

‘Awkward Stage’ is really just a socially acceptable synonym to say – when I was ugly/unfortunate looking/aesthetically challenged and also underage.

I am very familiar with the whole concept of an awkward stage since mine lasted from when I was born until I was 16 and 1/2. See pictures below and feel bad for me. In addition to these sad photos there are a few more things that may add to your sympathy and/or disgust.

Jamie’s Aesthetically Challenged Period

  • I couldn’t say my R’s until I was in 2nd grade, some people just assumed I was ESL
  • In 4th grade a door hit me in the face knocking out a baby tooth, it took almost an entire year for my adult tooth to show up. My elementary school now has half circles painted around every door to demonstrate the open door span – you’re welcome
  • I attended a junior high in the Central Valley that didn’t have AC – this is where I discovered my armpits sweat unevenly
  • The first half of the awkward stage was spent with fucked up teeth, the latter half with “clear” braces
  • At one point in my lady developing stage my boobs were pointy, reference bras circa 1950 if you need a visual
  • Freshmen year of waterpolo left me with a swim cap tan line on my forehead
  • Not surprisingly I was the last person out of all my friends to ‘open mouth kiss’ a boy – he also had braces

As awful as it is, I would still highly recommend that everyone have an awkward stage. They say it’s character building. And I have psychological storage units overflowing with character, as well as a great deal of Science Olympiad ribbons and a strong empathy for fucked up looking children.

Awkward Can’t Trend Hard Enough To Make These Ok:

I'm the little one front and center

That’s Me, The One Who Looks Like a Perfect Candidate For Molestation –  Front and Center

Father Daughter Dance

Father Daughter Dance – Cause That’s Not a Creepy Dance Theme*

Mustache

Oh So, Now It’s Cool To Think Mustaches Are Hilarious?

*I’m not even going to try to explain my outfit.

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