September 9, 2014 § 7 Comments
I am a feminist. I support any and all efforts to create a society where the social, political and economic rights of women are equal to that of men. The reason I start with that declaration is because I could see how a woman expecting a man to purchase the first round of beverages could be interpreted as a bit sexist. And in a way it is, but in another way I don’t give a shit.
Also, I think it’s important to recognize feminism can come in many different forms, which is why I promise to revisit my stance on this subject once the 30% pay gap is closed.
Some men may be hesitant to buy a lady a drink. Maybe they think thirsty bitches (their words not mine) will take them for everything they got, one pinot grigio at a time. Usually these are the same men who use a woman’s every move as an excuse to talk to her. Call me old fashioned, but I’d be much more likely to talk to a fella who bought me a drink. Call me old fashioned, but I’d judge the fuck out of one who didn’t. Maybe that’s just me?
Anywho let’s get started:
#1 Googly Eyes
Googly eyes is when you hold the gaze of your selected dude a moment longer than the socially accepted standard. I’m sure the majority of you are now eye rolling like you’re stuck in gif purgatory. Well, duh right? It seems like a total no-brainer but, like a lot of things in life, timing is key. To demonstrate the perfect amount of time I’m going to use a visual metaphor, because that’s how my mind works, like an illiterate child’s.
Imagine you are hiking, and you approach a field of wildflowers. There in the close distance you spot the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen, a young fawn. It senses your presence. Its head pops up. Its eyes focus on yours, long enough for one exhale, long enough for your souls to merge. You blink and you’re back in the bar. Your fawn is now a girl. She smiles. She turns back to her friends.*
#1 Section 2 – The Bar is a Safe Place
What if you gave him the perfect amount of googly eyes and he’s still not approaching? Well there may be a few variables working against you. Are you in a co-ed group? Are there any girls with resting bitch face? If your male of choice is introverted, these factors may give him room for pause. Which means you’re going to have to lure him to the bar. The bar is a safe place. In order to do this you must slam your drink, separate yourself from the group and head to the bar, and while en route you give him a look.
And now we wait…
Ninety-eight percent of the time your selected dude will just happen to also need a refill and will just happen to saddle up right next to you at the bar. Oh hai, fancy meeting you here.
The two percent that don’t respond to this move are either not interested in females or taken. And it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not as long as you believe it. That’s the beauty of delusion.
#2 Fake Bachelorette Party
Give a group of women the license to ‘let loose’ and you will get a drunken tidal wave of the horniest, sloppiest, screechiest girls imaginable. But you don’t have to wait for an actual bachelorette party to enjoy a penis-themed night of semi-questionable decisions.
How to throw a fake bachelorette party:
You’ll need a group of girls, a boa and/or tiara, and of course some penis-shaped items. Then choose your bachelorette. I suggest switching off. Because here’s a fun fact – guys want what they can’t have (what?? groundbreaking isn’t it??!) which means the “bachelorette” will get hit on ten times more than everyone else. Regardless of who is playing the part. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, people.
Now all other party participants choose an alias and make up an awesome backstory. You can be whoever you want. Why? Cause bullshitting strangers is fun! Although I’d avoid accents. Once you get drunk it’s hard to maintain consistency.
- Pros: no lines for you, lots of free shots, role playing awesomeness
- Cons: too many free shots
#3 Let’s Make a Deal
You’re at the bar. The bartender is busy. Everyone impatiently tries to get his/her attention. You and the dude next to you share a ‘god-this-is-so annoying’ look. You say, ‘Hey dude, let’s make a deal. You get his attention first, put in an order for me. If I get his attention I’ll put in your order.” Now you simply avoid eye contact with the bartender. Dude orders for you. You offer dude money. Dude says no cause his mama raised him right. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.
#4 I’ve Never Had That
You overhear a dude’s order. It sounds delicious. You say, ‘Is that good? I’ve never had that.’ Dude can’t believe you’ve never had (drink you’ve totally had). Dude insist he get you one. Dude says, ‘bartender make it two’. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.
#5 Game on bitch
Challenge him. Guys are competitive by nature. If there is a game nearby, most likely it’ll be darts. Approach him and say, “Hey, you up for a game? Loser buys drinks.” Then you just have to win. I kid, I kid, you don’t have to win. 90% of dudes are chivalrous enough to insist on purchasing the round regardless of the outcome. The other 10% are too short sighted to see the big picture win.
#6 Seem Really Bored
Guys love to swoop in and rescue a bored lil’ lady.
#7 Have Fun
Guys love to swoop in on a super fun lady.
#8 You Approach Him
I know, I know. Guys love a chase. Guys love girls who never give them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve been caught. I know that shit works but I also know it’s exhausting.
Which is why I’m a much bigger fan of the approach him method. There is a special power in not giving a shit. In walking straight up to a dude, tapping him on the shoulder and saying, ‘excuse me sir but I really like your face and well…buy me a drink or lose me forever.’
99.9983% of the time, that works every time. I picked up my dude in this very fashion which is why whenever he says something along the lines of ‘you are a crazy person,’ I retort with, ‘AH-DOYYY, pretty sure you knew that when you met me.’
But if that’s not your style then here are some more subtle approaches:
Ask for his expert opinion: Cheesy and transparent when guys use this approach but roles reversed, extremely effective. Guys are natural problem solvers, it plays to their ego. Start in with something like, ‘I’m sorry, this is so dumb, but my friend and I are having an argument and you look like someone who might know something about (insert anything this dude could have an opinion about).
Compliment him: Girls are constantly on the defense about compliments because they are used to getting hit on. Guys on the other hand are usually genuinely flattered. ‘Hi. You are very handsome.’ Thatsssss it.
Fall for him: Or rather into him. This is a total grade school move, but by god if it doesn’t work. Your friend pushes you, you trip, you accidentally hit him with your purse, any of those things. And then you’re like, ‘oh no, I’m so sorry. Are you ok? Did I spill on you? Bee-tee-dubs I’m Jamie.‘
Drop something: Yup, I said it. Go ahead and pull the most classic and utterly offensive of all female tropes – the damsel in distress. “Whoopsies, I dropped my purse. Oh no, it spilt everywhere. What’s a girl to do?” I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t put this out there in the world if it weren’t so astonishingly effective.
Say pretty much anything: Unless you say something horrifyingly creepy, what you say upon approaching really doesn’t matter that much. You have a vagina, remember? Here’s an example, ‘Excuse me, do you have a cat?‘ No, why? ‘Cause I’m allergic to cats so that would be a deal breaker. Hi, I’m Jamie.”
End of Lesson One
In all honesty, I feel real shitty about writing this post. Not only do I feel like I just set feminism back fifty years but these games we play with the opposite sex, although very very fun, they’re kind of assholey. But in my defense I never said I was a good person…
I Regret Nothing:
* I’m not comparing women to underage animals. It’s just a metaphor. Don’t ruin it with your logic.
May 30, 2014 § 2 Comments
Tom Cruise Wants To Go On a Date With You, He Isn’t Your Type But He Wins You Over With His Charm
Tom Cruise Makes You Laugh, You Try Not To Get Attached But You Can’t Help It, There’s Just Something About Him
Tom Cruise Makes You Feel Like Maybe This Love Thing Isn’t All BS
Tom Cruise Gives You Butterflies, Starts to Make You Feel Whole
Tom Cruise Introduces You as His Girlfriend
Tom Cruise Suddenly Grows Distant, Stops Asking You How Your Day Was
Tom Cruise Gets Easily Agitated, Starts Being Critical of Your Outfits
Tom Cruise Starts Picking Fights For No Reason
Tom Cruise Comes Home Late and is Dismissive When You Ask Where He’s Been
Tom Cruise Says, It’s Over, Asks You to Leave, Says There is Nothing Left to Say
Tom Cruise Misses You, Thinks About What He Could Have Done Differently
Tom Cruise Regrets What He Said, Wants You Back Now
Tom Cruise Doesn’t Know How To Live Without You
Tom Cruise Asks Dustin Hoffman How To Win You Back
Hoffman Thinks Maybe a New Hair Style Will Work
Tom Cruise Likes All Your Posts in Hopes He’ll Get Your Attention
Tom Cruise Says, Baby, I’m Sorry, Just Give Me a Chance to Make this Right. I Can Make This Right.
Tom Cruise Seems Different This Time Around
Tom Cruise Will Never Take You For Granted Again
Tom Cruise Stretches Before He Enters You
Tom Cruise Is Now The Father of Your Babies, He’s Such a Good Dad
The End. TOM CRUISE FOR-EVA EVA AFTER
April 28, 2014 § Leave a comment
Oh wait, that’s not how this works. Ok then I’ll give you some things I’ve been into lately.
Next time your crippling insecurities make you feel like shoving spoonfuls of frosting into your mouth watch this. Then go ahead and do the frosting thing anyways because frosting is delicious.
But be sure you remember: No matter what you look like someone out there would love to plant his face in your
This is lovely. Play on repeat.
Kind of like heroine. I have no idea how heroine works. Most likely not the same at all. What I meant by that is I’ve been binge watching this show via Netflix. So good.
Shhh…it’ll be over soon. Just a couple more.
And Then There is This:
Just to be clear I prefer dicks that are still attached but nonetheless – excellent exhibit, excellent documentary.
I only star dick pics.
And Lastly, This Dog Says ‘Fuck it’:
Now what? Guess that’s all for now.
As always I’ll miss you.
Love Your Vodka Guzzling Lunatic and Best Friend Forever,
Sweet Baby Jamie
I’m Not Being Very Helpful:
March 6, 2014 § 8 Comments
But I don’t know. I just missed you guys, I guess.
So little to say…maybe I shouldn’t have even written this post?
I did, though.
Ok, here’s the plan. We drink. And that’s the plan.
So, m’babes, let’s get together and pop open a bottle of wine. Just grab your Caloric Cuvee glass. Oh? You don’t have one?
Don’t touch me. Monster.
Fine. I’ll introduce you. Behold – the Caloric Cuvee wine glass. LOOK AT IT!
Maybe you should take a closer look. ENHANCE. ENHANCE. ENHANCE. And I’ll add a tiny model! Ok, now look!
You can fill it to the calorie marks, super helpful, or you can fill it so high that the feelings you usually reserve for your dream journal spill out into real life.
Pre-tay sweet. And I’m not just saying that cause this super cool company sent me some free shit. I am not above selling out. Trust. But these glasses are actually freakin’ adorable. And you can totally get in on this. Just leave a comment below letting me know why wine is your favorite beverage. And if it isn’t, lie.
Then I’ll choose my favorite (sexual favors encouraged) and Caloric Cuvee will send you a free glass to call your own. Boo-ya! Biz-natches! Don’t say I never gave you anything. AND EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!
Now look at the pictures.
Someone Buy My Blog…
May 15, 2013 § 1 Comment
So uh yeah, turns out sleep is no longer my thing. I don’t sleep anymore. Like ever. Which really sucks and makes me kind of murdery. As a result, the majority of my time has been spent concentrating on staying alive but I’ve also spent a good amount of time trying to find something entertaining to watch that I haven’t already seen.
I’ve done the legwork and I’m into sharing. So here you go. The following shows are awesome. Well awesome, if you have the exact same odd sense of humor as me which I’m going to go ahead and assume most of you do.
Or if you are a stoner that works too.
Final thought: I would like to go on record and say that the fact Better Of Ted was canceled is proof there is no justice in this world.
Foreva and eva, amen.
The Inbetweeners (Both the movie and show)
Better Of Ted
P.S. Normally I don’t really discuss things like celebrity fashion but this one comment has to be said – Can we all agree that Kim K. must be carrying an evil baby that forces her to wear ugly couch dresses? That is the only conclusion I’ve been able to come up with.
Shit. I’m sorry you have an evil baby Kim. That sucks :(
March 8, 2013 § 2 Comments
February 27, 2013 § 6 Comments
And its Arrested Development.
I know the release date is still months away but I’m stupidly excited about the new season on Netflix. And if you happen to need another reason to get excited about the upcoming season…then get out of my blog. Leave now. Seriously get out.
Ok for the rest of you who are still with me, aren’t you just shit-your-pants excited that Ben Stiller, Seth Rogan and Kristen Wiig will be guest starring?!
Can. Not. Wait.
Has Anyone In This Family Ever Even Seen A Chicken?
Remember – Girls With Low Self-Esteem, F*ck City, Never Nude and Afternoon Delight?? Just to name a few. I could go on, its all so painfully awesome but I think you get my point by now.