September 11, 2015 § 1 Comment
Amazon is being such a dick. Every book in my ‘recommended for you’ section is a self-help book. Which is total bullshit because I’ve never even bought a self-help book.
Arrested Development Narrator Voice: She had, in fact, purchased several.
But this seemed important to Amazon so I decided to read a few. Only I didn’t really. But I did skim the descriptions and I think I got the gist.
Before I continue let me ask you something, are you ready to change your life? But are you really…? Don’t you fucking lie to me. If not, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
For those of you who have chosen to stay think of me as your therapist, only a lot less helpful. Maybe I’m not the best person to be handing out advice since I might be a crazy person and I for sure have a drinking problem but most likely your problems are self-imposed and largely meaningless, so it’s fine.
Plus, I’m CPR certified.
I’ve paraphrased everything these books had to offer in a list below because who the fuck is going to read multiple sentences if they’re not broken up by numbers?
Amazon, What’s Good?
- “Feeling emotions is what makes life rich.” – Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence
I hate everything about this advice because life has taught me to pour vodka on my feelings but maybe Daniel-san is on to something. Let’s at least give him a try. I suggest you start by upping your emoji to word ratio, one emoji for every five words. After that, work your way to bursting into tears every time you make eye contact with a stranger.
Art is also a great way to express yourself. Here’s a recent piece of mine that really helped me work through some shit:
*potential buyers feel free to contact me directly
2. “Sexual experience and satisfaction are closely correlated with overall quality of life.” – Pamela Rogers, MS, PhD
Doctor-science person has prescribed getting your fuck on. The pathway to happiness is through your genitals. Women, to get intercoursed – go outside. Men, swipe right forever. It’s a numbers game.
Fun DIY project: take all those used condoms, dry and press them, just as you would flowers, and keep them in a beautiful guys-who’ve-been-inside-me scrapbook. #memories
3. “Find yourself a manic pixie girl” – Not in a Book
Find yourself a magical child-lady. Make sure she’s wearing the type of dress traditionally seen on paper dolls. She needs to have bangs, thick-rimmed glasses and be extremely uncomfortable saying the word penis. Once you find her, hold on tight because you’re about to montage your way to happiness!
4. “Act like a lady. Think like a man.” – Steve Harvey, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
I tried real hard to focus my lady-brain but it kept confusing Steve Harvey’s advice for sexist, homophobic and intolerant rants but since there weren’t any men around to explain it to me I decided to take a nap and when I woke up I felt better because naps have a way of doing that. So in the end, I think the real takeaway was – naps over everything.
But on a more serious note, fuck Steve Harvey. Fuck him on the title alone.
5. “Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” – Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
The now part of this really stuck out to me because it was in all caps. This guy gets it, leave the multi-tasking to the psychos who actually enjoy 69-ing. And don’t dwell on the past either. Nostalgia is a dirty bitch. Nostalgia will trick you into missing your ex by reminding you of the good times instead of that time he farted in the shower. Seeing a naked person release poop-air without the protection of pants is truly traumatizing. So my point was… oh yeah, stay present.
6. “Be proactive.” – Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
A major part of having a successful life is having great skin. So use Proactiv, get famous, then be Proactiv. It worked for P Diddy, Katy Perry and Lilo.
7. “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive” – Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People
That makes no sense. There is no possible way to interpret that.
8. This Youtube clip from Bojack Horseman – Not Even a Book
By far the best (and maybe only) advice in this post. Watch this show.
You’re welcome, people I’ve profoundly inspired. You’re beautiful and wonderful & I love you. Amen.
And Then You Die