A Post in Which I Talk About Periods and Vaginas
January 24, 2014 § 2 Comments
My most recent post was about dicks so I feel like I should pay some respect to the vagina. One – because I don’t feel like I’ve embarrassed my parents nearly enough and two – because vaginas are the coolest (please, say that last part again but this time in a Billy Madison voice).
Everyone should respect the vagina because even if you don’t have one, your squishy little body came out of one on what should be considered the best day of your life, your first day of life.
The vagina is wonderful and warm and a beautiful flower (as demonstrated by Georgia O’Keeffe) so it’s no wonder babies want to crawl up there and live inside.
Ok. What else can I talk about vagina related? Hair cuts, hair cuts for your area. I heard bangs are currently in fashion? Waxing? Waxing is a thing I’ve heard of.
I personally have never been waxed because I like to be taken out for a drink before someone sticks their face in my vagina. I guess I’m just old fashioned like that. Plus, I’d feel rude if I didn’t offer to reciprocate which could make scheduling my next appointment awkward. Also I’m pretty sure it hurts.
Periods. Let’s talk periods. I actually haven’t gotten mine in almost six years. Not because my uterus is on strike or because I have any sass towards periods but because I heard a rumor you could opt-out via birth control and I was like, ‘yo, where do I sign?‘
Sometimes I think about the day when I’ll become a woman (for the second time) and I’m nervous my brain won’t be able to process the information quick enough due to a lapse in familiarity and I’ll scream something like — ‘oh god, I’ve been stabbed! I’m bleeding out!’ and a stranger will run into the restroom (cause in this scenario I’m in a public restroom) and then I’ll realize I haven’t been stabbed and in fact it’s just a visit from my dear aunt flo.
Then I’ll have to explain to my heroic stranger I wasn’t tricking them into some twisted fantasy of mine and that it’s actually a perfectly logical and understandable reaction for someone who is not used to bleeding out of their genitals. And then the stranger and I will laugh and laugh and become life long friends and affectionately tell the story of how we met to entertained guests at dinner parties.
Next topic. PMS.
Although I don’t get my period I do tend to get PMS-y around that time of the month. I don’t know if those are real hormones or it’s more like a phantom limb situation? I’m not a doctor so I can’t say for sure. But I do get symptomatic, not really irritable as much as I cry at things that aren’t cry-worthy followed by an outpouring of emotions. But how else would my loved ones know they are loved if it wasn’t for phantom PMS and 2AM Tequila rants?
Um, yeah. I think I’m done with this topic for now. I’m pretty sure next time I’m going to talk about blow jobs or I may hold off just so this blog doesn’t get a reputation, if you know what I’m sayin.