March 21, 2013 § 2 Comments
Someone, please hug me.
Lately I’ve been busy, too busy and that makes me kind of stressy. I don’t like it. All I want is for my life to be a rom-com montage. Is that too much to ask?
Rich people have rehab but what am I suppose to do when I’m about to crash land into a downward spiral?
Well first, I start by reminding myself that it is scientifically proven that stress makes you fat.* So if I want anyone to love me, I need to step away from the cupcake.
Also, when I see people who seem to have all their shit together I reassure myself by assuming they are addicted to prescription pills. And those pills most likely have side effects like low sex drive, dysentery and itchy scalp.
But I’m not alone.** Cause you are here! And we are BFF’s, right??? It’s just you, me and Macaulay Culkin. He’s best friends with us too, but don’t get side tracked, we need to brainstorm. What do we do? How do we get through this yucky stress stuff?
Some people deal with stress by shoving a q-tip in their ear.*** Others by napping. I heard 12 hours of sleep cures almost all of life’s problems.****
In addition to naps, I’ve prepared an inner monologue that I think will really help. This is important so I’ll type slowly – Calm the fuck down. It’ll be ok. Or it won’t. But either way, stress looks bad on you and you are bumming people out. So bury all those feelings deep down inside, maybe as far down as your daddy issues. Take a deep cleansing breathe. Exhale.
Why Does My Vision Board Only Contain Pictures Of People Sleeping?
*According to infomercials I’ve seen
**Said, Michael Jackson (But really in the end, and maybe even now, you are truly alone)
***I’m referring to that episode of GIRLS when Hannah’s stress induced OCD causes her to jam a q-tip right into her eardrum.
****Except for disease, poverty, ethnocentrism, war, childhood trama, fear of intimacy, PTSD, stupidity, your failed marriage, erectile disfunction, third degree burns, infertility, dying alone, drug addiction, asthma, broken bones, diabetes, death, coma, the majority of phobias and a lot of other shit.