I Genuinely Have Nothing to Say

March 6, 2014 § 8 Comments

But I don’t know. I just missed you guys, I guess.

So little to say…maybe I shouldn’t have even written this post?

I did, though.

I'm so bored gif

Ok, here’s the plan. We drink. And that’s the plan.

So, m’babes, let’s get together and pop open a bottle of wine. Just grab your Caloric Cuvee glass. Oh? You don’t have one?

Don’t touch me. Monster.

Fine. I’ll introduce you. Behold – the Caloric Cuvee wine glass. LOOK AT IT!

Caloric Cuvee

Maybe you should take a closer look. ENHANCE. ENHANCE. ENHANCE. And I’ll add a tiny model! Ok, now look!

Caloric Cuvee

You can fill it to the calorie marks, super helpful, or you can fill it so high that the feelings you usually reserve for your dream journal spill out into real life.

Pre-tay sweet. And I’m not just saying that cause this super cool company sent me some free shit. I am not above selling out. Trust. But these glasses are actually freakin’ adorable. And you can totally get in on this. Just leave a comment below letting me know why wine is your favorite beverage. And if it isn’t, lie.

Then I’ll choose my favorite (sexual favors encouraged) and Caloric Cuvee will send you a free glass to call your own. Boo-ya! Biz-natches! Don’t say I never gave you anything. AND EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!

Now look at the pictures.

Someone Buy My Blog…

Hi Five

Yay!

laying in the street

Champagne in the street

jumping on the bed

confetti

double fisting it

Dog with sunglasses

In bed

Relaxing in this tree

Wine boobs

Wine Glass

Stuff That Matters as Much as Other Shit You Read on the Internet

February 18, 2014 § 7 Comments

Pictures I found, mostly on the world wide web, and then put words under.

Cause Why Not:

Dog on roof

There goes my hero, watch him as he goes.

Vandalism / Car

YOU NEVER PLAY WITH MY HAIR!!

Dog Astronaut

One time I ate chicken for all 3 meals. 

Jesus break dancing

John 8:32

Bear on a couch

Baby girl is upset because her flat screen is on backorder.

Booty game too strong / engrish

Think about it.

beyonce dancing

Dance like everyone still has a flip phone.

Neck Wrestling

And they say romance is dead.

Kaitlyn Weaver & Andrew Poje show passion on ice

Wait. What was I doing?

Drinking Gif

My name is Jamie and I like the taste of alcohol. 

Happy Dog

Have a magical day, you beautiful beautiful people.

Just Love Me

February 10, 2014 § 9 Comments

I love Valentine’s Day! I’ve always loved it, even when I was single because I could be a mess at the bar and people would just assume I was sad instead of an alcoholic.

Every year I send out Valentines to all my lovies (seriously I do) but the selection is always extremely limited. I never feel as if I can fully express myself with what’s currently out there. So I decided to make my own.

Cards By Jamie

I give a shit

STalker Valentine

Unplanned pregnancy

Sad ValentineHorrible Thing Valentine

Pay attention to me Valentine

Gummy

Jealous Ex Valentine

Stalker Valentine

Don't die Valentine

Unicorn Vagina Faces

Insulting Valentine's day cards

Give Me Something To Remember You By

February 7, 2014 § 1 Comment

Once upon a time two of my dear friends and I took a girl’s adventure trip to Costa Rica. When we arrived in Arenal, a small town known for it’s active volcano and hot springs, we booked a tour-guided hike that promised an afternoon through beautiful rainforests followed by an evening swimming under a remote waterfall.

The morning of the hike started peacefully. Our tour guide was extremely tardy but we sat content drinking coffee at a local cafe.

After some time a shitty van stopped in the middle of the road directly in front of the cafe. A man wearing disco clothes popped out from the back in a graceless ta-da pose. This was Carlos, our drunk tour guide. Upon first inspection we knew Carlos was drunk, he reeked of booze and had a glint in his eye that said, ‘I’m fucked up’.

We hopped aboard.

The van took us to seemingly the middle of nowhere. As we exited, Carlos chucked grocery bags filled with 2-liters of soda, Tampico and loaves of bread at us. The brochure had promised lunch so I’m guessing this was Carlos’ attempt.

Next we followed Carlos as he took us down a trench, up a trench and through a barbed wire fence marked ‘private property’.

Can we pause here to appreciate that three girls who, I’d say, function fine in society hiked down a trench, up a trench and through a barbed wire fence all while carrying groceries because a very drunk stranger told them to. At this point of course our guts were saying, ‘remember Natalie Holloway’ but our hearts were saying, ‘no, it should be ok’.

But seriously, if all of us paid attention to every little red flag we’d miss out on mystery and adventure and life. That logic is sound. People who are overly red flag cautious don’t get to do things like drunk guided tours through Costa Rican rain forests. They are also probably a lot less likely to die in an embarrassing circumstance but sometimes you just gotta get your hands dirty.

So there we were, getting our hands dirty.

We must have taken some back-wood shortcut because we eventually did end up on a legit trail. Once there, it was much more apparent just how drunk, Drunk Carlos was. This motherfucker was real real drunk.

He spent a substantial amount of time making zero progress, shifting weight from one foot to the other, staggering from one side of the path to the other. His ankles were buckling, his shirt drenched in sweat. We did our best to encourage him, ‘All right, all right, you got this. Just a little further.’

But Drunk Carlos was the kind of drunk you can’t just shrug off. At a point early on Carlos realized this. He took a swig from his water bottle (which we later discovered wasn’t actually water at all) and plopped butt first to the ground.

Carlos was sick of hiking. Maybe he was sick of life. Either way he was done. He looked up at us, smiled a true bright smile and then in the most cartoon character-ish way possible he passed out. It was actually kind of cute.

Eager to get on with the hike we told Passed Out Carlos we’d come back for him. We didn’t get very far before we realized we didn’t want to die in the rainforest so we returned to Passed Out Carlos.

We frisked his pockets, found his cell phone and rang the travel company. They arrived, extremely apologetic, to swoop all of us, including Drunk Carlos and then the real adventure began – To be continued for another post.

Carlos is the kind of man who lives life one drunk day at a time. He doesn’t change his behavior to impress or please anyone. He just simply is Drunk Carlos. And although I can say with almost complete certainty that we are not even a spot in Carlos’ memory, he is very much tied to ours.

In that short amount of time we bonded to Carlos forever. We’ll carry Carlos in the highlight reel of our lives, we’ll try to explain the oddity and absurdity of the situation to others and although some might find it amusing, words will never truly capture it.

That’s the thing about sharing moments in life like that, they bond you forever because, well, you kind of had to be there.

Glittering Hearts Wander

Train Tracks Hike

Travel Hike

Hike Lake

Backpacking

Forest hike

rope bridge hike

snow hike

Hike on top of the world Scary Bridge Hike

My Superbowl Predictions

January 31, 2014 § 1 Comment

I’m super excited for Sunday! I don’t actually give a shit about the football part I’m just excited for the day drinking! I support any and all causes that make getting drunk before noon socially acceptable. I also support anything that is supremely popular because I don’t like to be left out.

Now for my Superbowl Sunday predictions:

I predict that Peyton’s brother, Eli, will start drinking a little too fast early on in the day and he’ll start annoying everyone by sticking that giant foam, We’re #1, finger in people’s faces. And one of Peyton’s friends will be like, ‘yo, cut it out!’ and Eli will be like, ‘easy breezy dude, just trying to have a good time’ but he’ll really be thinking, ‘who the fuck brought this guy?‘ and then slowly but surely Eli will get way too drunk like he always does. And Eli won’t even care or apologize to Cooper (Peyton’s youngest brother) who will have to miss the last quarter of the game to look after him when he gets sick.

And then Cooper will tell Peyton what happened and when Peyton brings it up to Eli, Eli will be like, ‘sorry man‘ but it won’t be a real apology because Eli never owns up to anything. And Peyton will feel like Eli doesn’t truly support him but he’ll choose to just drop it because no one, not even Eli, is going to ruin his special day.

And then months will pass and it’ll seem like Peyton and Eli are totally cool but then on Thanksgiving it’ll come up again. And this time it’s in front of pop-pop, who hates it when the boys fight. And Eli will try to avoid the issue by making Peyton seem petty. He’ll say something like, ‘oh, here we go again Peyton, let’s hear it’.

And Peyton will be so frustrated he’ll shut himself in the bathroom because he just needs a moment to himself and he’ll cry a little and Peyton hardly ever cries. And Eli will hear him and know on some level, deep down, he really is sorry but he doesn’t know how to say it. Then Peyton will pull himself together and head back to the table without another word because he just wants to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner like a normal family.

Years later Eli will work through his issues with a therapist and in a joint session between him and Peyton he’ll finally apologize and this time he’ll mean it.

We’re On Each Other’s Team

Peyton Manning / Eli Manning

Peyton and Eli Manning

Archie Peyton Eli Manning

Peyton and Eli Manning

Eli Manning Peyton Manning

Peyton Cooper and Eli Manning Old Photo

An Open Letter to Justin Bieber

January 29, 2014 § 1 Comment

Dear Justin,

Justin, Justin, Justin…Biebs.

I am alarmed. I feel like we need to have a heart to heart. All that money and freedom has manifested itself into some pretty unbecoming behavior.

I write this because I am genuinely concerned which I’m sure comes off as a very disingenuous thing to say since I don’t know you personally and I’m not necessarily a fan but hear me out.

I’m sure you’ve worked hard to earn all that wonderful success but what you haven’t earned is the right to act like a fucking douche-bag, well, because no one has that right.

I realize that there wasn’t much of a chance in hell you’d grow up to be a well-balanced individual. You are the product of many collective bad decisions, most of which were not your own. And those oppressive life circumstances left you grasping at mere straws of reality. But you no longer have to worry cause your Auntie Jamie is here for you now.

And because I’m a cool Aunt I understand sometimes getting totally fucked and doing stupid shit is a fun and necessary part of life and that someone in your position has unlimited access to an ungodly amount of really anything and that are you are like, 20, and some would say good looking…

Ya know what? Now that I think about it – you’re fine.

Fuck it.

I mean, I’m not saying you don’t seem like a total nightmare. And maybe it’s a flawed depiction but I think it’s pretty safe to assume you are the absolute worst. But you are Justin Bieber for god’s sake!

I won’t sugar coat it, a lot of people are talking shit, like mad shit, but you’ve given the world so much more than it will ever give you. Never forget that. All those haters are just jelly cause they wake up every morning not being Justin Bieber. 

So I say lean in. Lean in hard. Throw eggs at your neighbor’s house, it’s practically an act of goodwill on your part to even acknowledge his presence. Party tits out, my lil’ Biebs. Why have a few regrets when you can have multiple? I believe it was Snoop Dogg who put it best when he said, ‘play on playa‘.

Yeah. That’s all I want. That’s all I really want for you.

Love Always,

Auntie Jamie

We’re All No One To Someone:

Justin Bieber Forbes

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber Adidas

Justin Bieber Photoshoot

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber

A Post in Which I Talk About Periods and Vaginas

January 24, 2014 § 2 Comments

My most recent post was about dicks so I feel like I should pay some respect to the vagina. One – because I don’t feel like I’ve embarrassed my parents nearly enough and two – because vaginas are the coolest (please, say that last part again but this time in a Billy Madison voice).

Everyone should respect the vagina because even if you don’t have one, your squishy little body came out of one on what should be considered the best day of your life, your first day of life.  

The vagina is wonderful and warm and a beautiful flower (as demonstrated by Georgia O’Keeffe) so it’s no wonder babies want to crawl up there and live inside.

Ok. What else can I talk about vagina related? Hair cuts, hair cuts for your area. I heard bangs are currently in fashion? Waxing? Waxing is a thing I’ve heard of.

I personally have never been waxed because I like to be taken out for a drink before someone sticks their face in my vagina. I guess I’m just old fashioned like that. Plus, I’d feel rude if I didn’t offer to reciprocate which could make scheduling my next appointment awkward. Also I’m pretty sure it hurts.

Periods. Let’s talk periods. I actually haven’t gotten mine in almost six years. Not because my uterus is on strike or because I have any sass towards periods but because I heard a rumor you could opt-out via birth control and I was like, ‘yo, where do I sign?

Sometimes I think about the day when I’ll become a woman (for the second time) and I’m nervous my brain won’t be able to process the information quick enough due to a lapse in familiarity and I’ll scream something like — ‘oh god, I’ve been stabbed! I’m bleeding out!’ and a stranger will run into the restroom (cause in this scenario I’m in a public restroom) and then I’ll realize I haven’t been stabbed and in fact it’s just a visit from my dear aunt flo.

Then I’ll have to explain to my heroic stranger I wasn’t tricking them into some twisted fantasy of mine and that it’s actually a perfectly logical and understandable reaction for someone who is not used to bleeding out of their genitals. And then the stranger and I will laugh and laugh and become life long friends and affectionately tell the story of how we met to entertained guests at dinner parties.

Next topic. PMS.

Although I don’t get my period I do tend to get PMS-y around that time of the month. I don’t know if those are real hormones or it’s more like a phantom limb situation? I’m not a doctor so I can’t say for sure. But I do get symptomatic, not really irritable as much as I cry at things that aren’t cry-worthy followed by an outpouring of emotions. But how else would my loved ones know they are loved if it wasn’t for phantom PMS and 2AM Tequila rants?

Um, yeah. I think I’m done with this topic for now. I’m pretty sure next time I’m going to talk about blow jobs or I may hold off just so this blog doesn’t get a reputation, if you know what I’m sayin.

Yay Vaginas!

Yay ladies

Piano Playing

Ladylike

bikini area

Biking Area

Yay ladies

Lingerie

Sit Lady-like

Bikini Line

Debunking The Dick Pic Myth

January 20, 2014 § 6 Comments

The dick pic has gotten a lot of bad press, but I believe the times they are a changin’.

According to Aziz Ansari and one of my very adamant co-workers, no woman wants to be sent a dick pic nor do women find dicks attractive. My initial reaction was to disagree with this rather bold blanket statement but I wanted to see if there was actual evidence to support my theory. So I conducted a study — no bullshit, I really did.

I majored in sociology, and as part of this major I was required to take several courses on statistical techniques, data analysis and quantitative research methods. And this, a dick pic study, is the one and only time those skills have ever come into play outside of academia. Who says liberal arts degrees are worthless? (Nope, not today.)

My sample population consists of 32 females whose ages ranged from 22 to 36*. Data was collected by either an emailed survey or phone interview. All subjects were asked the same questions. I analyzed the results and not to be cocky (pun intended) but I think you may find these conclusions interesting. Also for the sake of this post I’ll be shortening dick pic to DP (not to be confused with the other DP).

The primary significant finding was the majority of these women have had one or more positive experiences with a DP, thus disproving the theory that women don’t like DPs. Sure, there were several documented negative experiences, but some men, some noble trailblazers, are getting it right.

I sifted through and drew out the reoccurring themes that I believe to be the deciding factors of a successful DP. Below is a summary of the information, along with a few direct quotes from study participants. Warning: this is going to get intimate.

A Gentlemen’s Guide to Dick Pics

Do you think it’s ok for guys to send DP?

‘I don’t like dick pics. Sorry. Dicks aren’t pretty.’

‘Only if it’s requested.’

‘Yes I think it’s absolutely ok and in fact, I like receiving them.’

‘Fuck yea. I got unlimited texts up in my phone plan.’

Lesson Learned: Know Your Audience

  • Some ladies shy away from a little exposure. Others will open your image with delight. Ask yourself, will my special lady treasure this for the gift it is? Will she treat it with the respect it deserves? If yes, then send away my friend. If you aren’t sure then you probably don’t know this woman well enough to be sending her pictures of your dick.

Have you ever appreciated receiving or found a DP attractive?

‘I do think it’s appreciated & I tend to find it attractive when it’s after a little hard core sexting & I know I contributed to it’s hardness, lol, or girth :)’

‘I got one from a guy I had grabbed drinks with and I swear he has like the holy grail of penises so it was practically a marketing tool…like I was not feeling him in a dating way but it was turned around into a hook up situation based on the pic. HOWEVER this can also work the opposite way…there was another guy I hooked up with once and I don’t remember it being all that good and then we would do the long distance drunken texting/sexting…his pic made me not want to come back for seconds’

Lesson Learned: Play Up Your Strong Suits

  • I think all men should take pride in their area but in regards to sharing your DPs you need to give yourself an honest evaluation. If you got it, flaunt it. But if you find that your member is not one of your strongest features, consider some alternative options; maybe your lady friend would find a picture of your studly abs or adorable dimples more enticing?

Was there something about the picture that made it more appealing than others?

‘Absolutely! I’ve gotten some real artistic shots and I appreciate them taking the time to be all Godard with it.’

‘More appealing when I knew I had something to do with the making (of the erection). I prefer close up…full body is nice but not when it’s flaccid, that’s just ugly!!’

‘It helps if they clean up their bedroom.’

Lesson Learned: The Rules of a Selfie Apply

  • Choose a flattering angle, be conscious of what is in the background and maybe throw on a filter if need be.

During these conversations a few unprompted topics came up. One of which was the time the picture was received.

‘It’s also super weird if I get a pic when I’m sober.’

‘It’s more appreciated after 9 pm. Getting a dick pic when the sun is still out can be alarming. For instance, I was recently playing Hide & Seek with my niece. I had just gotten tucked into this bomb ass hiding spot in my mom’s armoire and all of a sudden “BA DING” goes my text alert (Yes my H & S game needs work and I should’ve silenced my phone). I look and it’s a nice full body dick pic. As I look at it, my niece finds me. Kind of awkward.’

‘If you absolutely cannot resist sending pix of what your slaggin’ they are more appropriate after 9 pm (when my) DVR is played out (as is netflix, hbogo and hulu) (and I’m done) with wine and weed.’

Lesson Learned: Timing is Important

  • Women noted feeling troubled or embarrassed by a DP received at a time they considered inconvenient. A few subjects admitted to instances they initially found a DP to be disturbing or ‘gross’ when sent at an inopportune time but when they revisited the same picture in the ideal mood and location, typically their home, the picture was looked upon more favorably. The highest likelihood of a positive reaction was when women received a picture while participating in a back-and-forth sexting conversation.

Is there anything you would suggest to guys that you think would improve their dick pics?

“Flaccid is not ok unless you want to scare women.’

Lesson Learned: Hard > Soft

  • The sample as a whole shared the unanimous opinion that hard dicks were preferred over flaccid.

Is there any advice you think guys should know about sending dick pics?

‘Send sparingly, send hard, use good judgement.’

 ‘Dick pix are gross and weird if you can see the guys face.. and even more gross and weird if he’s smiling in the pix. PERVY!’

‘I learned this from a Lifetime movie about teenagers sexting. The mean girl character was making fun of the good girl who sent out a titty pic. Hello! The number one rule of sexting…neck down, thighs up. no distinguishing marks or tattoos.’

Lesson Learned:

  • Use them sparingly in order to maintain their meaning and impact. Also everyone could learn a valuable lesson from Lifetime. If someone is kind enough to send you a wonderful (vulnerable) gift, respect that and respond with courtesy. And above all if you’ve had sexual relations of any kind with a person: be fucking nice. But with that being said, you don’t know a woman until she is mad at you. So as a precaution never include your face or identifying marks /  tattoos / etc. Relationships may fade but naked pictures on the internet last forever ever.

Quick & Dirty Cheat Sheet: Should I Send This Dick Pic?

If you answer yes to any of the following. Do not send.

  1. Are you creepy?
  2. Be honest, are you even a little bit of a sexual predator?
  3. Are you sure?
  4. Do you truly believe this person wants to receive this picture?
  5. Do you have a nice dick?
  6. Does this picture flatter your dick?
  7. Is your face or any other distinguishable trait visible in this picture?

If you passed, send away! Get your dick printed on a flag and wave it from your front porch. Yay dicks!

Can You Keep a Secret?

measuring

sleep

Lana Del Rey

Oh boy

thinking twice

Shy girl

Playing Coy

*Possible sample bias: A purposeful bias but still a bias was these women were chosen within this specific age range because of the increased likelihood of having received a dick pic. These women were also chosen based on convenience and although the sample includes a healthy variation of race, geography and relationship status, it should still be noted. And lastly this is relatively small sample size.

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