How To Be a Writer

May 15, 2014 § 3 Comments

And Other Life Lessons from Someone Who Is Only Barely Keeping It Together:
  •  Drink a lot. Drink till you strong-arm strangers into letting you give them piggy back rides and then you fall down and skin your knee and now your jeans have a hole in them.
  • Be existential to the point where it stifles your ability to have a conversation that doesn’t loop back to space and / or death. 
  • Watch people interact and make up backstories about their lives, previous lives and any future lives. 
  • Be an above average failer. Fail and fail again. And every time you fall off course, reassure yourself by convincing yourself ‘this is your path.’ Because it is. 
  • Be super broke all the time. Money is for people who want to buy things. 
  • Over-analyze everything. Cause who needs sleep?
  • Really care about what others think of you, even people you’ve never met.
  • Be in touch with your emotions. I like to do my crying during my daily commute to and from work. Thank god for LA traffic or I’d never find the time.
  • Read. Seriously. If books ever die I’ll be sad forever.
  • Be around whatever / whoever makes your heart go boom.
  • Don’t edit. People are always more than happy to point out your grammar mistakes. It would be cruel to take that away from them.
  • Think about shit. Like why hasn’t anyone update the keyhole? It seems like a pretty easy thing to do yet it’s been completely overlooked. Remember in Back to the Future II when she just scanned her thumb print? This world needs updated keyholes, less guns and, like, at least 10 times more shaved ice shops. 
  • Resolve to live in gratitude rather than regret. Don’t fall victim to the past or be a slave to the future. Now, is where it’s at.
  • Fuel the fuck up. 5-hour energy. Coffee SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS. I like to be cracked out to the point of WebMDing chest pains. (That’s for script writing. For blog stuff I prefer wine till I’m red in the teeth and crying at Youtube videos.)
  • Own your uniqueness. There’s a fine line between masturbating about yourself and completely turning your back on that magical sparkle that makes you you. Find that special place, nestle in and pay rent until you can afford a down payment on the mortgage there.
  • Draw strength from your spirit animal. Be it a lion, a shark or a butterfly.
  • Live life like it’s a god damn fairy tale. Even when it’s not. Even when it’s super shit. Because even when it’s super shit you’re still not dead. And that’s something right?
  • And lastly – write. It’s been said before but it’s worth repeating, you can’t be a writer if you’re not writing. You can’t even call yourself a writer if you’re not writing. Those are the rules. I didn’t make them, I just try to abide by them. And I advise you to do the same, my fellow writers, write the shit out of whatever the fuck you’re writing. I support you.

Ok, I think were done here. But also, I recommend you print this, fold it pamphlet style and keep it somewhere handy. Love you like a love song.

Oh one more thing, I liked this – Abandoned places around the world.

But This Wind Machine Is Just a Fan?

Underwater Photography

water photography / inspiration lush

Walking Through Water / Inspiration Lush

Underwater Photography

Underwater Photography

Underwater Photography

Cannon ball / inspiration lush

Bike in water / inspiration lush

Happily Drowning / Inspiration Lush

Drain / Water Photography / Inspiration Lush


May 2, 2014 § Leave a comment

How ’bout we take it easy with a lil’ quote for this lovely Friday.

Here ya go – one of my favs, just for you:

There’s a little boy and on his 14th birthday he gets a horse…and everybody in the village says, “How wonderful. The boy got a horse” And the Zen master says, “We’ll see.” Two years later, the boy falls off the horse, breaks his leg, and everyone in the village says, “How terrible.” And the Zen master says, “We’ll see.” Then, a war breaks out and all the young men have to go off and fight…except the boy can’t cause his legs all messed up and everybody in the village says, “How wonderful.”

Now the Zen master says, “We’ll see.”

– Charlie Wilson’s War

Friday Mash-Up:

Poodle Looking Out / Inspiration Lush

Morning Commute / Inspiration Lush

Roller Skating / Inspiration Lush

Model / Inspiration Lush

Quote / Inspiration Lush

Head Against The Wall / Inspiration Lush

Laughing on Couch / Inspiration Lush

Swimming Pool / Inspiration Lush

dog hug

Street Sign High Five

Hamster Soul Mate / Inspiration Lush

What Did I Miss? Tell Me.

April 28, 2014 § Leave a comment

Oh wait, that’s not how this works. Ok then I’ll give you some things I’ve been into lately.


Next time your crippling insecurities make you feel like shoving spoonfuls of frosting into your mouth watch this. Then go ahead and do the frosting thing anyways because frosting is delicious.

But be sure you remember: No matter what you look like someone out there would love to plant his face in your XXX.

And This:

This is lovely. Play on repeat.

Also This:

Kind of like heroine. I have no idea how heroine works. Most likely not the same at all. What I meant by that is I’ve been binge watching this show via Netflix. So good.

Legit Show / Jim Jefferies / Inspiration Lush

Shhh…it’ll be over soon. Just a couple more.

And Then There is This:

Just to be clear I prefer dicks that are still attached but nonetheless – excellent exhibit, excellent documentary.

I only star dick pics.

And Lastly, This Dog Says ‘Fuck it’:

Dog Says Fuck It / Inspiration Lush

Now what? Guess that’s all for now.

As always I’ll miss you.

Love Your Vodka Guzzling Lunatic and Best Friend Forever,

Sweet Baby Jamie


I’m Not Being Very Helpful:

Pour it on your face / Inspiration Lush

Light Quotes / Inspiration Lush

Perishable - Freezer Section / Inspiration Lush

Not Everyone Knows How To Pretend / Inspiration Lush

Lady Winking

Tension  / Inspiration Lush

Floating Girl / Inspiration Lush

Romantic Kiss / Inspiration Lush

Burn It / Inspiration Lush

Flipping Off / Giving the Bird / Gif / Inspiration Lush

I Genuinely Have Nothing to Say

March 6, 2014 § 8 Comments

But I don’t know. I just missed you guys, I guess.

So little to say…maybe I shouldn’t have even written this post?

I did, though.

I'm so bored gif

Ok, here’s the plan. We drink. And that’s the plan.

So, m’babes, let’s get together and pop open a bottle of wine. Just grab your Caloric Cuvee glass. Oh? You don’t have one?

Don’t touch me. Monster.

Fine. I’ll introduce you. Behold – the Caloric Cuvee wine glass. LOOK AT IT!

Caloric Cuvee

Maybe you should take a closer look. ENHANCE. ENHANCE. ENHANCE. And I’ll add a tiny model! Ok, now look!

Caloric Cuvee

You can fill it to the calorie marks, super helpful, or you can fill it so high that the feelings you usually reserve for your dream journal spill out into real life.

Pre-tay sweet. And I’m not just saying that cause this super cool company sent me some free shit. I am not above selling out. Trust. But these glasses are actually freakin’ adorable. And you can totally get in on this. Just leave a comment below letting me know why wine is your favorite beverage. And if it isn’t, lie.

Then I’ll choose my favorite (sexual favors encouraged) and Caloric Cuvee will send you a free glass to call your own. Boo-ya! Biz-natches! Don’t say I never gave you anything. AND EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!

Now look at the pictures.

Someone Buy My Blog…

Hi Five


laying in the street

Champagne in the street

jumping on the bed


double fisting it

Dog with sunglasses

In bed

Relaxing in this tree

Wine boobs

Wine Glass

Stuff That Matters as Much as Other Shit You Read on the Internet

February 18, 2014 § 7 Comments

Pictures I found, mostly on the world wide web, and then put words under.

Cause Why Not:

Dog on roof

There goes my hero, watch him as he goes.

Vandalism / Car


Dog Astronaut

One time I ate chicken for all 3 meals. 

Jesus break dancing

John 8:32

Bear on a couch

Baby girl is upset because her flat screen is on backorder.

Booty game too strong / engrish

Think about it.

beyonce dancing

Dance like everyone still has a flip phone.

Neck Wrestling

And they say romance is dead.

Kaitlyn Weaver & Andrew Poje show passion on ice

Wait. What was I doing?

Drinking Gif

My name is Jamie and I like the taste of alcohol. 

Happy Dog

Have a magical day, you beautiful beautiful people.

Just Love Me

February 10, 2014 § 9 Comments

I love Valentine’s Day! I’ve always loved it, even when I was single because I could be a mess at the bar and people would just assume I was sad instead of an alcoholic.

Every year I send out Valentines to all my lovies (seriously I do) but the selection is always extremely limited. I never feel as if I can fully express myself with what’s currently out there. So I decided to make my own.

Cards By Jamie

I give a shit

STalker Valentine

Unplanned pregnancy

Sad ValentineHorrible Thing Valentine

Pay attention to me Valentine


Jealous Ex Valentine

Stalker Valentine

Don't die Valentine

Unicorn Vagina Faces

Insulting Valentine's day cards

Give Me Something To Remember You By

February 7, 2014 § 1 Comment

Once upon a time two of my dear friends and I took a girl’s adventure trip to Costa Rica. When we arrived in Arenal, a small town known for it’s active volcano and hot springs, we booked a tour-guided hike that promised an afternoon through beautiful rainforests followed by an evening swimming under a remote waterfall.

The morning of the hike started peacefully. Our tour guide was extremely tardy but we sat content drinking coffee at a local cafe.

After some time a shitty van stopped in the middle of the road directly in front of the cafe. A man wearing disco clothes popped out from the back in a graceless ta-da pose. This was Carlos, our drunk tour guide. Upon first inspection we knew Carlos was drunk, he reeked of booze and had a glint in his eye that said, ‘I’m fucked up’.

We hopped aboard.

The van took us to seemingly the middle of nowhere. As we exited, Carlos chucked grocery bags filled with 2-liters of soda, Tampico and loaves of bread at us. The brochure had promised lunch so I’m guessing this was Carlos’ attempt.

Next we followed Carlos as he took us down a trench, up a trench and through a barbed wire fence marked ‘private property’.

Can we pause here to appreciate that three girls who, I’d say, function fine in society hiked down a trench, up a trench and through a barbed wire fence all while carrying groceries because a very drunk stranger told them to. At this point of course our guts were saying, ‘remember Natalie Holloway’ but our hearts were saying, ‘no, it should be ok’.

But seriously, if all of us paid attention to every little red flag we’d miss out on mystery and adventure and life. That logic is sound. People who are overly red flag cautious don’t get to do things like drunk guided tours through Costa Rican rain forests. They are also probably a lot less likely to die in an embarrassing circumstance but sometimes you just gotta get your hands dirty.

So there we were, getting our hands dirty.

We must have taken some back-wood shortcut because we eventually did end up on a legit trail. Once there, it was much more apparent just how drunk, Drunk Carlos was. This motherfucker was real real drunk.

He spent a substantial amount of time making zero progress, shifting weight from one foot to the other, staggering from one side of the path to the other. His ankles were buckling, his shirt drenched in sweat. We did our best to encourage him, ‘All right, all right, you got this. Just a little further.’

But Drunk Carlos was the kind of drunk you can’t just shrug off. At a point early on Carlos realized this. He took a swig from his water bottle (which we later discovered wasn’t actually water at all) and plopped butt first to the ground.

Carlos was sick of hiking. Maybe he was sick of life. Either way he was done. He looked up at us, smiled a true bright smile and then in the most cartoon character-ish way possible he passed out. It was actually kind of cute.

Eager to get on with the hike we told Passed Out Carlos we’d come back for him. We didn’t get very far before we realized we didn’t want to die in the rainforest so we returned to Passed Out Carlos.

We frisked his pockets, found his cell phone and rang the travel company. They arrived, extremely apologetic, to swoop all of us, including Drunk Carlos and then the real adventure began – To be continued for another post.

Carlos is the kind of man who lives life one drunk day at a time. He doesn’t change his behavior to impress or please anyone. He just simply is Drunk Carlos. And although I can say with almost complete certainty that we are not even a spot in Carlos’ memory, he is very much tied to ours.

In that short amount of time we bonded to Carlos forever. We’ll carry Carlos in the highlight reel of our lives, we’ll try to explain the oddity and absurdity of the situation to others and although some might find it amusing, words will never truly capture it.

That’s the thing about sharing moments in life like that, they bond you forever because, well, you kind of had to be there.

Glittering Hearts Wander

Train Tracks Hike

Travel Hike

Hike Lake


Forest hike

rope bridge hike

snow hike

Hike on top of the world Scary Bridge Hike

My Superbowl Predictions

January 31, 2014 § 1 Comment

I’m super excited for Sunday! I don’t actually give a shit about the football part I’m just excited for the day drinking! I support any and all causes that make getting drunk before noon socially acceptable. I also support anything that is supremely popular because I don’t like to be left out.

Now for my Superbowl Sunday predictions:

I predict that Peyton’s brother, Eli, will start drinking a little too fast early on in the day and he’ll start annoying everyone by sticking that giant foam, We’re #1, finger in people’s faces. And one of Peyton’s friends will be like, ‘yo, cut it out!’ and Eli will be like, ‘easy breezy dude, just trying to have a good time’ but he’ll really be thinking, ‘who the fuck brought this guy?‘ and then slowly but surely Eli will get way too drunk like he always does. And Eli won’t even care or apologize to Cooper (Peyton’s youngest brother) who will have to miss the last quarter of the game to look after him when he gets sick.

And then Cooper will tell Peyton what happened and when Peyton brings it up to Eli, Eli will be like, ‘sorry man‘ but it won’t be a real apology because Eli never owns up to anything. And Peyton will feel like Eli doesn’t truly support him but he’ll choose to just drop it because no one, not even Eli, is going to ruin his special day.

And then months will pass and it’ll seem like Peyton and Eli are totally cool but then on Thanksgiving it’ll come up again. And this time it’s in front of pop-pop, who hates it when the boys fight. And Eli will try to avoid the issue by making Peyton seem petty. He’ll say something like, ‘oh, here we go again Peyton, let’s hear it’.

And Peyton will be so frustrated he’ll shut himself in the bathroom because he just needs a moment to himself and he’ll cry a little and Peyton hardly ever cries. And Eli will hear him and know on some level, deep down, he really is sorry but he doesn’t know how to say it. Then Peyton will pull himself together and head back to the table without another word because he just wants to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner like a normal family.

Years later Eli will work through his issues with a therapist and in a joint session between him and Peyton he’ll finally apologize and this time he’ll mean it.

We’re On Each Other’s Team

Peyton Manning / Eli Manning

Peyton and Eli Manning

Archie Peyton Eli Manning

Peyton and Eli Manning

Eli Manning Peyton Manning

Peyton Cooper and Eli Manning Old Photo


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