A Crash Course on Saving Bank When You’re a Broke-Ass

June 21, 2015 § 1 Comment

GMGM Originally written for Good Morning! Good Morning!:

Once upon a time there was a woman who was poor as shit. She was so poor she snacked exclusively on diner-ganked saltine crackers smothered in grape jelly. She accepted date invites so she could do fun things like eat food. Despite her destitute she thrived. Except replace “thrived” with “didn’t die”. And now she wants to help you also not die and live the rest of your dumb life as a not-dead-person.

So listen up snake people because class is in session.

Trapped in the Closet

Some people might tell you it’s a good idea to buy cheap clothing. Fuck those people. They’ve obviously been deeply hurt and want to pass that hurt on. Don’t fall victim.

Instead subscribe to the “Your Thing” method. Start by picking “your thing”. Is it shoes? Jeans? Satin flight suits? Whatever it is, don’t cheap on it. Treat it as if you birthed it, fed it with your nipples and let it live rent free well into its twenties. Do this and you’ll end up saving money as demonstrated by the maths below.

Basic Fucking Economics

Forever 21 Purse You Convince Yourself You Love ($28)/ Number of Times Used (2) = $14 per wear

Louis Vuitton Purse You Actually Love ($1,400) / Number of Times Used (Infinite) = Basically Free

Now here’s the caveat, if you’re super broke you only get ONE thing. If you’re kinda broke you get TWO. For all other articles of clothing, I’m sorry child, but cuts must be made: sale, consignment or not at all. Avoid pitfalls by never shopping with the feels.Retail therapy is a rich people sport. Broke-asses must find validation elsewhere.

Other things you should never cheap on: plastic surgery, lawyers, tattoo artists.

Next topic…

Fun-Size Your Space

You don’t need half the shit you think you do. Clear out your closet. SELL! SELL! SELL! It’s a bitch. It’s time consuming. But you can make a seriously average amount of cash. And if you are paying out money every month to keep an offsite storage unit full of shit you don’t use. Think about that for a second. Yes, I agree with you. You’re being a butt-plug*. Get rid of it. All of it.

*No shade to BPs.

You Are Not Gwyneth Paltrow

The good news is that you are not Gwyneth Paltrow. The bad news is that you don’t get to hydrate like her. You don’t get to buy water bottles infused with locally sourced dandelions, humanely raised lemon peels and third-world tears. No bottled water. No, not even when you are in a foreign country. Embrace the diarrhea.

And do not under any circumstances drink Fiji water. Never, ever, ever. Fiji water is the anti-Christ. Read up on it here – FIJI WATER IS THE ANTI-CHRIST

Fuck Your FOMO, Embrace the FOGO

When your bank account reaches Sad Keanu status the best plan is no plan. Stay in and watch the money pile up. Agoraphobia is so hot right now. Yes, your Instagram account will suffer, but who knows? This whole experience could really turn you on to a hangover free lifestyle.

Ask and You Shall Receive

If you think you should be making more money, ask for it. There’s a good chance you’ll get it. If not, be better at your job.

Other General Broke-Ass Rules

  • Never pay someone to do something you can do yourself. Convenience is a luxury you can’t afford.
  • Valet? Nope, you’re walking.
  • Dry cleaning? Welcome to your grunge phase.
  • Unsubscribe from any emails tempting you to buy junk you don’t need.
  • Automatic payments: make sure you are actually using the services you are getting charged for. Note: Amazon Prime – totally worth it.

Repeat after me: Uber over cabs. Airbnb before hotels. Trader Joe’s for life.

Karma is Real

Give back where you can. If you can’t donate money, donate your time. You’ll be surprised what the world gives you in return.

Closing Thoughts

This is the price you pay to get your shit together. But, trust, if you follow this advice you’ll be pissing money out your pee-hole (metaphorically speaking). And when that happens, make sure you don’t backslide. Don’t spend your hard-saved money like a dummy. Spend your money where it counts. Invest in your goals.

Also, be a good person, hi-five strangers, save the pandas. Good luck out there!

Cheers,

The Oprah of Broke

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A Lady’s Guide to Getting Free Drinks

September 9, 2014 § 7 Comments

I am a feminist. I support any and all efforts to create a society where the social, political and economic rights of women are equal to that of men. The reason I start with that declaration is because I could see how a woman expecting a man to purchase the first round of beverages could be interpreted as a bit sexist. And in a way it is, but in another way I don’t give a shit.

Also, I think it’s important to recognize feminism can come in many different forms, which is why I promise to revisit my stance on this subject once the 30% pay gap is closed.

Some men may be hesitant to buy a lady a drink. Maybe they think thirsty bitches (their words not mine) will take them for everything they got, one pinot grigio at a time. Usually these are the same men who use a woman’s every move as an excuse to talk to her. Call me old fashioned, but I’d be much more likely to talk to a fella who bought me a drink. Call me old fashioned, but I’d judge the fuck out of one who didn’t. Maybe that’s just me?

Anywho let’s get started:

#1 Googly Eyes

Googly eyes is when you hold the gaze of your selected dude a moment longer than the socially accepted standard. I’m sure the majority of you are now eye rolling like you’re stuck in gif purgatory. Well, duh right? It seems like a total no-brainer but, like a lot of things in life, timing is key. To demonstrate the perfect amount of time I’m going to use a visual metaphor, because that’s how my mind works, like an illiterate child’s.

Imagine you are hiking, and you approach a field of wildflowers. There in the close distance you spot the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen, a young fawn. It senses your presence. Its head pops up. Its eyes focus on yours, long enough for one exhale, long enough for your souls to merge. You blink and you’re back in the bar. Your fawn is now a girl. She smiles. She turns back to her friends.*

#1 Section 2 – The Bar is a Safe Place

What if you gave him the perfect amount of googly eyes and he’s still not approaching? Well there may be a few variables working against you. Are you in a co-ed group? Are there any girls with resting bitch face? If your male of choice is introverted, these factors may give him room for pause. Which means you’re going to have to lure him to the bar. The bar is a safe place. In order to do this you must slam your drink, separate yourself from the group and head to the bar, and while en route you give him a look.

And now we wait…

Ninety-eight percent of the time your selected dude will just happen to also need a refill and will just happen to saddle up right next to you at the bar. Oh hai, fancy meeting you here.

The two percent that don’t respond to this move are either not interested in females or taken. And it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not as long as you believe it. That’s the beauty of delusion.

#2 Fake Bachelorette Party

Give a group of women the license to ‘let loose’ and you will get a drunken tidal wave of the horniest, sloppiest, screechiest girls imaginable. But you don’t have to wait for an actual bachelorette party to enjoy a penis-themed night of semi-questionable decisions.

How to throw a fake bachelorette party:

You’ll need a group of girls, a boa and/or tiara, and of course some penis-shaped items. Then choose your bachelorette. I suggest switching off. Because here’s a fun fact – guys want what they can’t have (what?? groundbreaking isn’t it??!) which means the “bachelorette” will get hit on ten times more than everyone else. Regardless of who is playing the part. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, people.

Now all other party participants choose an alias and make up an awesome backstory. You can be whoever you want. Why? Cause bullshitting strangers is fun! Although I’d avoid accents. Once you get drunk it’s hard to maintain consistency.

  • Pros: no lines for you, lots of free shots, role playing awesomeness
  • Cons: too many free shots

#3 Let’s Make a Deal

You’re at the bar. The bartender is busy. Everyone impatiently tries to get his/her attention. You and the dude next to you share a ‘god-this-is-so annoying’ look. You say, ‘Hey dude, let’s make a deal. You get his attention first, put in an order for me. If I get his attention I’ll put in your order.” Now you simply avoid eye contact with the bartender. Dude orders for you. You offer dude money. Dude says no cause his mama raised him right. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.

#4 I’ve Never Had That

You overhear a dude’s order. It sounds delicious. You say, ‘Is that good? I’ve never had that.’ Dude can’t believe you’ve never had (drink you’ve totally had). Dude insist he get you one. Dude says, ‘bartender make it two’. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.

#5 Game on bitch

Challenge him. Guys are competitive by nature. If there is a game nearby, most likely it’ll be darts. Approach him and say, “Hey, you up for a game? Loser buys drinks.” Then you just have to win. I kid, I kid, you don’t have to win. 90% of dudes are chivalrous enough to insist on purchasing the round regardless of the outcome. The other 10% are too short sighted to see the big picture win.

#6 Seem Really Bored

Guys love to swoop in and rescue a bored lil’ lady.

#7 Have Fun

Guys love to swoop in on a super fun lady.

#8 You Approach Him

I know, I know. Guys love a chase. Guys love girls who never give them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve been caught. I know that shit works but I also know it’s exhausting.

Which is why I’m a much bigger fan of the approach him method. There is a special power in not giving a shit. In walking straight up to a dude, tapping him on the shoulder and saying, ‘excuse me sir but I really like your face and well…buy me a drink or lose me forever.’

99.9983% of the time, that works every time. I picked up my dude in this very fashion which is why whenever he says something along the lines of ‘you are a crazy person,’ I retort with, ‘AH-DOYYY, pretty sure you knew that when you met me.’

But if that’s not your style then here are some more subtle approaches:

Ask for his expert opinion: Cheesy and transparent when guys use this approach but roles reversed, extremely effective. Guys are natural problem solvers, it plays to their ego. Start in with something like, ‘I’m sorry, this is so dumb, but my friend and I are having an argument and you look like someone who might know something about (insert anything this dude could have an opinion about).

Compliment him: Girls are constantly on the defense about compliments because they are used to getting hit on. Guys on the other hand are usually genuinely flattered. ‘Hi. You are very handsome.’  Thatsssss it.

Fall for him: Or rather into him. This is a total grade school move, but by god if it doesn’t work. Your friend pushes you, you trip, you accidentally hit him with your purse, any of those things. And then you’re like, ‘oh no, I’m so sorry. Are you ok? Did I spill on you? Bee-tee-dubs I’m Jamie.

Drop something: Yup, I said it. Go ahead and pull the most classic and utterly offensive of all female tropes – the damsel in distress. “Whoopsies, I dropped my purse. Oh no, it spilt everywhere. What’s a girl to do?” I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t put this out there in the world if it weren’t so astonishingly effective.

Say pretty much anything: Unless you say something horrifyingly creepy, what you say upon approaching really doesn’t matter that much. You have a vagina, remember? Here’s an example, ‘Excuse me, do you have a cat?‘ No, why? ‘Cause I’m allergic to cats so that would be a deal breaker. Hi, I’m Jamie.

End of Lesson One

In all honesty, I feel real shitty about writing this post. Not only do I feel like I just set feminism back fifty years but these games we play with the opposite sex, although very very fun, they’re kind of assholey. But in my defense I never said I was a good person…

I Regret Nothing:

Inspiration Lush

inspiration lush

Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush

 * I’m not comparing women to underage animals. It’s just a metaphor. Don’t ruin it with your logic.

Don’t Grow Up

June 27, 2014 § 4 Comments

Sometimes life likes to shove it in your face that you are aging. Happy Birthday, is just another way of saying, ‘Congratulations, you got fucking older’.

I used to neglect my birthday. I’d do my best to conceal the funeral of another year gone by. And if I got my way, it would come and go without so much as an intimidate dinner. It worked for me. (I don’t need to hand over a co-pay to acknowledge avoidance is a reoccurring theme in my life.)

But my feelings on birthdays have shifted. Maybe age has given me a nugget of wisdom because I’ve started to feel that if you are fortunate enough to survive another year you should celebrate it or at the very least acknowledge it. So for the past two years instead of avoiding my birthday like an unplanned pregnancy I’ve embraced my special day of acceptable narcissism.

I faced my birthday head on. I even celebrated by doing what we were put on this green earth to do – make beautiful memories. I’m so brave. 

Plus, who doesn’t love a good excuse to party? In case you need some inspiration for party themes I’d like to offer a few suggestions.

Recreate a Childhood Birthday

  • A 90’s Themed Roller Skate Party

Remember back when life was simpler? When all you wanted was for your boobies to grow in and for the lights to dim so your jr. high crush could take your sweaty hand in his and pull you out onto the rink for a romantic couple skate to Extreme’s More Than Words. This was my recent birthday theme and it was awesome. Truly awesome.

  • A Sleepover

Play spin the bottle. Play 7 minutes in heaven, get felt up by a cute stranger. You could even make it truly authentic by asking your mom to bust in on you mid session. That rush of guilt and shame will be truly nostalgic for any fellow recovering Catholics out there.

Pick Your Favorite Thing and Make it a Theme

My favorite thing is drinking so last year I had a Drunker Than Jamie Party. Buttons were awarded to all those who succeeded. It was very classy.

Need additional examples?

  • Favorite Thing:  Dumpster Diving / Party Theme: a disgusting potluck followed by an evening of food poisioning.
  • Favorite Thing: Sex / Party Theme: An orgy

I think you get the picture.

A Roast

Which is really just an intervention without the offer of a free vacation. This is a great way to get all party-goers involved. Everyone you love can come together to point out all your flaws and laugh in your face. Yay! Everybody win!

Other Ideas for an Unforgettable Birthday

  • Someone dies (not as a theme, it just happens, people would remember that)
  • Be North West
  • Reenact your day of birth by crawling out of your mom’s vagina while your dad video tapes.

In Other News

This is romantic:

spider man gif

This is also romantic: (NSFW)

Yes I’m Drunk But I Still Think You’re Perfect:

Party Hard / vegas / inspiration lush

Party hard / inspiration lush

Yay

We are the night / neon signs / party / Party Hard / Inspiration Lush

Party Hard / Twerking Wall / Inspiration Lush

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Party Hard / Inspiration Lush

Party Hard / Inspiration Lush

Leonardo DiCaprio / inspiration lush

Get In The Van

June 11, 2014 § 2 Comments

And now, for some things:

The Jung’s & Myers-Briggs Type Indicator: do yourself a favor and take this QUIZ. It’s great. It’s insanely accurate. A grown-up told me. But also, I took it. I am an ENFP

Let the record show – I’m a fucking champion. *Licks finger, holds it against butt, makes sizzling sound*

Case in point:

Psychologist David Keirsey identifies ENFPs as “Champions,” which he suggests are rather rare. “Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out,” Keirsey suggests. “And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions.” In addition to having an abundance of enthusiasm, they also genuinely care about others. 

Go onnnnn  *bats eyelashes excessively*

While they are great at generating new ideas…not seeing them through to completion is a common problem. ENFPs can also become easily distracted.

You sir, should have stopped at champion. But I have to admit, it’s so on point it’s freakin’ me out. Whoever is in charge of ADD meds please mail my ration asap.

And now you – do it.

Next:

I love a good commencement speech! I love the thought of fresh grads stepping out into the world with their dewy faces and twinkling eyes. Before the panic sets in, before everything good is laced with the promise of pain. When they are still full of faith and determination that they will, someday, get to live their truths. It just fills my heart, ya know?

I guess I’ll throw in some advice for any new grads while I’m here – Treat day-to-day decisions with respect. They mean something. Nothing is isolated. They accumulate and build exponentially. They will transform you. They can lead to something great or they can cost you dearly but either way – they matter. Those seemingly insignificant moments add up to a lifetime. Your lifetime. Remember that. Pay attention to your choices. Pay attention to your life. Time is the only currency worth worshipping.

And Lastly: This Goat with Sweet-Ass Parkour Moves

Sick to Death of Looking at Pretty:

Draw on face / inspiration lush

glitter scabs

Bruises / Smokes / Inspiration lush

Purple Mouth / Inspiration lush

Bruises / Abuse / Inspiration lush

strange photography

laying in middle of street

Finger down throat

Dinosaur lipstick

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Sadder

May 16, 2014 § 1 Comment

Warning: Fuckkkkk…this is depressing. This guy will break your heart. But it’s that special kind of sad, the kind you’d pay $11.25 at a movie theater to experience.

This guy…this guy, he makes you want to set out on a mission to find every person whose ever hurt him, every person whose even looked at him the wrong way and hold them hostage, forcing them to curl up next to him and gently pet his hair while whispering, ‘hey, but at least we have each other’ until he feels better. Until he’s ok and snaps out of it. Until he wants to sign up for a triathlon, get some fro-yo and then maybe go for a sunset bike ride. Sheesh, this guy…

Or maybe it’s just me?

And also, Happy Friday, m’loves :)

 Stuck in a Circle Jerk of Feelings:

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

http://declaringwar.tumblr.com/

Find more poems here

How To Be a Writer

May 15, 2014 § 3 Comments

And Other Life Lessons from Someone Who Is Only Barely Keeping It Together:
  •  Drink a lot. Drink till you strong-arm strangers into letting you give them piggy back rides and then you fall down and skin your knee and now your jeans have a hole in them.
  • Be existential to the point where it stifles your ability to have a conversation that doesn’t loop back to space and / or death. 
  • Watch people interact and make up backstories about their lives, previous lives and any future lives. 
  • Be an above average failer. Fail and fail again. And every time you fall off course, reassure yourself by convincing yourself ‘this is your path.’ Because it is. 
  • Be super broke all the time. Money is for people who want to buy things. 
  • Over-analyze everything. Cause who needs sleep?
  • Really care about what others think of you, even people you’ve never met.
  • Be in touch with your emotions. I like to do my crying during my daily commute to and from work. Thank god for LA traffic or I’d never find the time.
  • Read. Seriously. If books ever die I’ll be sad forever.
  • Be around whatever / whoever makes your heart go boom.
  • Don’t edit. People are always more than happy to point out your grammar mistakes. It would be cruel to take that away from them.
  • Think about shit. Like why hasn’t anyone update the keyhole? It seems like a pretty easy thing to do yet it’s been completely overlooked. Remember in Back to the Future II when she just scanned her thumb print? This world needs updated keyholes, less guns and, like, at least 10 times more shaved ice shops. 
  • Resolve to live in gratitude rather than regret. Don’t fall victim to the past or be a slave to the future. Now, is where it’s at.
  • Fuel the fuck up. 5-hour energy. Coffee SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS. I like to be cracked out to the point of WebMDing chest pains. (That’s for script writing. For blog stuff I prefer wine till I’m red in the teeth and crying at Youtube videos.)
  • Own your uniqueness. There’s a fine line between masturbating about yourself and completely turning your back on that magical sparkle that makes you you. Find that special place, nestle in and pay rent until you can afford a down payment on the mortgage there.
  • Draw strength from your spirit animal. Be it a lion, a shark or a butterfly.
  • Live life like it’s a god damn fairy tale. Even when it’s not. Even when it’s super shit. Because even when it’s super shit you’re still not dead. And that’s something right?
  • And lastly – write. It’s been said before but it’s worth repeating, you can’t be a writer if you’re not writing. You can’t even call yourself a writer if you’re not writing. Those are the rules. I didn’t make them, I just try to abide by them. And I advise you to do the same, my fellow writers, write the shit out of whatever the fuck you’re writing. I support you.

Ok, I think were done here. But also, I recommend you print this, fold it pamphlet style and keep it somewhere handy. Love you like a love song.

Oh one more thing, I liked this – Abandoned places around the world.

But This Wind Machine Is Just a Fan?

Underwater Photography

water photography / inspiration lush

Walking Through Water / Inspiration Lush

Underwater Photography

Underwater Photography

Underwater Photography

Cannon ball / inspiration lush

Bike in water / inspiration lush

Happily Drowning / Inspiration Lush

Drain / Water Photography / Inspiration Lush

Quotastic

May 2, 2014 § Leave a comment

How ’bout we take it easy with a lil’ quote for this lovely Friday.

Here ya go – one of my favs, just for you:

There’s a little boy and on his 14th birthday he gets a horse…and everybody in the village says, “How wonderful. The boy got a horse” And the Zen master says, “We’ll see.” Two years later, the boy falls off the horse, breaks his leg, and everyone in the village says, “How terrible.” And the Zen master says, “We’ll see.” Then, a war breaks out and all the young men have to go off and fight…except the boy can’t cause his legs all messed up and everybody in the village says, “How wonderful.”

Now the Zen master says, “We’ll see.”

– Charlie Wilson’s War

Friday Mash-Up:

Poodle Looking Out / Inspiration Lush

Morning Commute / Inspiration Lush

Roller Skating / Inspiration Lush

Model / Inspiration Lush

Quote / Inspiration Lush

Head Against The Wall / Inspiration Lush

Laughing on Couch / Inspiration Lush

Swimming Pool / Inspiration Lush

dog hug

Street Sign High Five

Hamster Soul Mate / Inspiration Lush

What Did I Miss? Tell Me.

April 28, 2014 § Leave a comment

Oh wait, that’s not how this works. Ok then I’ll give you some things I’ve been into lately.

This:

Next time your crippling insecurities make you feel like shoving spoonfuls of frosting into your mouth watch this. Then go ahead and do the frosting thing anyways because frosting is delicious.

But be sure you remember: No matter what you look like someone out there would love to plant his face in your XXX.

And This:

This is lovely. Play on repeat.

Also This:

Kind of like heroine. I have no idea how heroine works. Most likely not the same at all. What I meant by that is I’ve been binge watching this show via Netflix. So good.

Legit Show / Jim Jefferies / Inspiration Lush

Shhh…it’ll be over soon. Just a couple more.

And Then There is This:

Just to be clear I prefer dicks that are still attached but nonetheless – excellent exhibit, excellent documentary.

I only star dick pics.

And Lastly, This Dog Says ‘Fuck it':

Dog Says Fuck It / Inspiration Lush

Now what? Guess that’s all for now.

As always I’ll miss you.

Love Your Vodka Guzzling Lunatic and Best Friend Forever,

Sweet Baby Jamie

xoxoxoxoxo

I’m Not Being Very Helpful:

Pour it on your face / Inspiration Lush

Light Quotes / Inspiration Lush

Perishable - Freezer Section / Inspiration Lush

Not Everyone Knows How To Pretend / Inspiration Lush

Lady Winking

Tension  / Inspiration Lush

Floating Girl / Inspiration Lush

Romantic Kiss / Inspiration Lush

Burn It / Inspiration Lush

Flipping Off / Giving the Bird / Gif / Inspiration Lush

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