November 5, 2013 § 15 Comments
You ever find yourself smoking cigarettes (when you’re a non-smoker) and drinking an entire bottle of wine by yourself at 2AM on a school night?
Yeah, me neither…
As you may or may not have noticed I haven’t been writing lately. I’m in a bit of what you might call a rut, if you are one of those people who correctly identifies things, like ruts. But this wine is starting to taste like I’m getting drunk, so here goes.
(please lower your expectations)
Sometimes, mostly at 3PM when I need a nap and / or hug, I want to give up on this whole writing pursuit. There are parts of me that want to fail. Maybe I’m just dehydrated. Either way, I think to myself ‘I can’t do this‘ and when I’m seconds away from calling it quits that’s when I get my biggest idea.
That’s how it goes. We’re always flip flopping. I say, “we” because I’m assuming you guys are like me. I mean you must be. Cause you’re here and I’m here. Which means we’re in this together. Right?
I don’t know the source of my self diagnosed writer’s block but they say everything passes with time (except of course for emotional and physical scars – those stay forever) but everything else apparently passes. So at night when my brain refuses to give me the silent treatment and insists on keeping me up. I’ll lie there with my eyes shut and pretend to sleep.
Eventually I do.
Which is maybe a long winded way of saying, fake it till you make it.
All of us are doing our best to navigate through the shit. Fighting the good fight. We’re all moving towards something, passing each other, merging, falling behind, crashing, burning, speeding to catch up…and sometimes it feels like we’ll never get there. It’s exhausting. I mean, are we just suppose to keep going on and on like this?!
Oh we are. Ok.
Well if that’s the case then I guess I’m going to keep on writing until I figure out what it is I’m trying to say. For now, that is enough.
To quote everyone and no one in particular, ‘All this arbitrary bullshit means something’. I think it does. I hope it does. It has to.
Whatever. Even if it doesn’t there is no escape from being human. From feeling whatever it is you’re feeling. And here’s what I have to say about that; there will be times you’ll be the smartest person in the room and times you’ll struggle to follow the conversation. And for every time you feel pretty, you will feel ugly. The same goes for every other feeling in existence. It’s the ebb and flow of the world. It’s nature’s way of keeping our ego in check. Accept it.
So if I could, I’d like to suggest a small exercise in human compassion or I guess you could call it advice: Live your life and acknowledge that others are doing the same. Feel something personal towards people you barely know or better yet, strangers. Be warm and open even when you don’t feel like it. Use hippie phrases like, ‘putting yourself out there’. Meditate. Be present.
Try and fail. Pretend to be ok with it. Be ok with it. Try again.
It may be worth it. It may not be. It’s one of those things you can never be sure of. But if you never let it get ugly, you’ll never know.
We Attack At Dawn:
Almost 5 minutes? What Am I a Psycho? I Know, I Know. But I Like It, So I’m Sharing:
August 28, 2013 § Leave a Comment
Gather ’round folks, I’m going to heal all your problems.
Although to be honest I’m not really that great at giving advice. So how about I offer you some life lessons by showing you exactly what not to do. If you are not not doing these things then you are fucking up.
Let’s begin. Look at me. I mean REALLY look at me. Right in my god damn soul cause I’m going to explain to you how to not fuck yourself over. Learn from my opposite example.
Ways I fuck myself over…
Constantly Distracting Myself From My Life:
I have a lot of feelings and I listen to none of them. On several occasions I’ve been told I’m extremely self aware, oddly so even. But I’m doing this social experiment where I see how far I can get in life without ever acknowledging those feelings. It’s an unpaid study.
Some healthy individuals might say, ‘But Jamie, if you don’t acknowledge how you feel then how can you make important life decisions?” And I would say, “fuck dem’ people” or I’d pretend they were talking to someone just to the right of me.
But don’t worry I don’t actually need to make life decisions because I’m not what people would call a “planner”. I’m more of a go with the flow type gal, kind of like a Buddhist but with significantly less morals. Overall I’m hopeful things will work out because I’m in denial. But if for some crazy reason things actually don’t work out then I’ll always have my slow and steady descent into alcoholism to fall back on.
Take-Away Lesson: Listen to your gut
Talking to People:
When socializing I have two distinct modes:
1 – Not talking at all
2 – Shut the fuck up, Jamie
Shut the fuck up, Jamie. Can then be divided into two subcategories:
(a) I’m going to say one worthwhile or interesting comment and immediately follow that up with – Did I just quote Toy Story? – Oh. God. Am I still talking? Always keep um’ guessing..?
(b) Oh, hello friend and here are all my secrets. Tell me every single detail about your day. Every person you’ve ever loved. Tell me about your best hug ever. Ends with a force-hug. Followed by vomit.
Take-Away Lesson: Don’t get stuck talking to me
Being Generally Mediocre While Having Big Fucking Dreams:
Unfortunately I have no daddy issues to excuse my ‘hold me and tell me I’m pretty – WHY WON’T YOU MOTHERFUCKERS JUST LOVE ME!’ behavior. I’m just a small town girl full of delusion and false hope. I really wish my parents would have taken time out of their day to beat me. If that were the case then I wouldn’t be running around having dreams like some self entitled asshole.
One day when I have kids I’m going to do them a solid. When at some point disappointment creeps into their lives, which it will, I won’t tell them “not to worry or to try harder next time.” I’ll hold their little shoulders, look deep in their eyes, pause for a moment before saying, “You’re not special…no, no don’t feel bad, really hardly anyone is. I love you a silly amount for a person to love another person and although you are life-shatteringly special to me, to the world you will be ordinary. Painfully ordinary. But don’t give up my little loves, just lower the bar. Choose a small but obtainable dream that your skill set might actually be able to accomplish.”
And I’ll never ask them about their “feelings” because naming those things just makes them harder to ignore. (If I end up adopting I’m going to have to delete this blog.)
Take-Away Lesson: Settle for less / Offer future generations more verbal abuse
Girl Meets Vodka:
If you need further explanation on this one, let’s go for a drink some time. Then you’ll see it’s not all fun and games. I mean sometimes it is. It’s Russian roulette really. Most of the time you’ll get loud screamy girl who fist-bumps through bars in an enthusiastic pitch only alcohol and years of annoying girl practice can produce. (Interesting Fact: Every drunk girl has the same drunk girl voice. Truth.)
But not to worry, simply add a few more drinks and loud screamy girl will be replaced with – Girl Who Hates Smiling and says things like, ‘Nice Northface, bitch’. After that just sit back and watch the chaos ensue. 9 times out of 10 we’ll end our evening with a small kitchen fire. Good times to be had by all who don’t remember.
Take-Away Lesson: Make friends with people who get more blackout than you
I’m sorry if that wasn’t actually helpful. It wasn’t my intention to mislead you, only it was.
*Insert motivational movie montage here*
AND NOW YOU’RE READY! Go on child. We’ll get through today, we’ll get through tomorrow. It’s all gonna be ok. I love you. Amen.
Life Status – Just Scrolled Back For Cookies: