April 25, 2013 § 5 Comments
The fact that you clicked on this post after reading that title means you are my perfect target audience.
First off, let me start by saying I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about.
Second, the following is a list of really good advice and my gift to you.
Although this ‘gift’ may be more like one of those pop-up ads that starts playing music when you have 80 tabs open. What I mean by that is, you’ll have to come find me before I’ll shut the fuck up. But until then…
Word To The Wise
- Sometimes when someone tells you they don’t want to be with you and you tell them they are ‘just afraid of love.’ You are wrong.
- If you go out to the bar and not one person notices you, you are not unattractive. You are a ninja.
- ‘Facebook friends forever’ a lot of times equals ‘real friends never.’
- Start being a vegan if you are too lazy to poop solids.*
- Drinking to the excess can really fuck you up but not more than feelings.
- If you love something set it free: except for people who might actually leave, your children and animals you’ve adopted.
- Your eharmony account is not the appropriate platform to showcase your food allergies.
- NEVER EVER make fun of Anne Hathaway to her face.
- Jokes you say in real life that include ‘hashtag’ are officially over.
- Wear something with the word ‘fuck’ on it if you are seeking high-fives from strangers.
This Is What Actively Disappointing Your Parents Looks Like. High-Five:
*Another version I thought of for this one became the title of this post.
April 16, 2013 § 2 Comments
Lately I’ve been drinking moonshine. So the other day when my friend said, ‘Moonshine can make you go blind’.
I thought to myself, ‘Of all the ways to trick someone into sobriety?’
Every time I drink I make a conscious decision that I’d rather spend my night being drunk than attractive but I draw the line at blindness. Waking up blind would definitely make it into my top three worst hangovers. To find out if there was any truth to this outrageous claim I consulted with Google. And guess what?
Turns out – kinda true.*
WTF. I am not ok with this. I feel socially obligated to pass this on because I care about your well-being. So please, drink with care m’loves.
I am also now working on an audio version of this blog for all those poor blind moonshine victims. :(
When I Die Please Scatter My Ashes In Moonshine:
This Kind Is Safe. I Tried It For You: