A Lady’s Guide to Getting Free Drinks

September 9, 2014 § 7 Comments

I am a feminist. I support any and all efforts to create a society where the social, political and economic rights of women are equal to that of men. The reason I start with that declaration is because I could see how a woman expecting a man to purchase the first round of beverages could be interpreted as a bit sexist. And in a way it is, but in another way I don’t give a shit.

Also, I think it’s important to recognize feminism can come in many different forms, which is why I promise to revisit my stance on this subject once the 30% pay gap is closed.

Some men may be hesitant to buy a lady a drink. Maybe they think thirsty bitches (their words not mine) will take them for everything they got, one pinot grigio at a time. Usually these are the same men who use a woman’s every move as an excuse to talk to her. Call me old fashioned, but I’d be much more likely to talk to a fella who bought me a drink. Call me old fashioned, but I’d judge the fuck out of one who didn’t. Maybe that’s just me?

Anywho let’s get started:

#1 Googly Eyes

Googly eyes is when you hold the gaze of your selected dude a moment longer than the socially accepted standard. I’m sure the majority of you are now eye rolling like you’re stuck in gif purgatory. Well, duh right? It seems like a total no-brainer but, like a lot of things in life, timing is key. To demonstrate the perfect amount of time I’m going to use a visual metaphor, because that’s how my mind works, like an illiterate child’s.

Imagine you are hiking, and you approach a field of wildflowers. There in the close distance you spot the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen, a young fawn. It senses your presence. Its head pops up. Its eyes focus on yours, long enough for one exhale, long enough for your souls to merge. You blink and you’re back in the bar. Your fawn is now a girl. She smiles. She turns back to her friends.*

#1 Section 2 – The Bar is a Safe Place

What if you gave him the perfect amount of googly eyes and he’s still not approaching? Well there may be a few variables working against you. Are you in a co-ed group? Are there any girls with resting bitch face? If your male of choice is introverted, these factors may give him room for pause. Which means you’re going to have to lure him to the bar. The bar is a safe place. In order to do this you must slam your drink, separate yourself from the group and head to the bar, and while en route you give him a look.

And now we wait…

Ninety-eight percent of the time your selected dude will just happen to also need a refill and will just happen to saddle up right next to you at the bar. Oh hai, fancy meeting you here.

The two percent that don’t respond to this move are either not interested in females or taken. And it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not as long as you believe it. That’s the beauty of delusion.

#2 Fake Bachelorette Party

Give a group of women the license to ‘let loose’ and you will get a drunken tidal wave of the horniest, sloppiest, screechiest girls imaginable. But you don’t have to wait for an actual bachelorette party to enjoy a penis-themed night of semi-questionable decisions.

How to throw a fake bachelorette party:

You’ll need a group of girls, a boa and/or tiara, and of course some penis-shaped items. Then choose your bachelorette. I suggest switching off. Because here’s a fun fact – guys want what they can’t have (what?? groundbreaking isn’t it??!) which means the “bachelorette” will get hit on ten times more than everyone else. Regardless of who is playing the part. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, people.

Now all other party participants choose an alias and make up an awesome backstory. You can be whoever you want. Why? Cause bullshitting strangers is fun! Although I’d avoid accents. Once you get drunk it’s hard to maintain consistency.

  • Pros: no lines for you, lots of free shots, role playing awesomeness
  • Cons: too many free shots

#3 Let’s Make a Deal

You’re at the bar. The bartender is busy. Everyone impatiently tries to get his/her attention. You and the dude next to you share a ‘god-this-is-so annoying’ look. You say, ‘Hey dude, let’s make a deal. You get his attention first, put in an order for me. If I get his attention I’ll put in your order.” Now you simply avoid eye contact with the bartender. Dude orders for you. You offer dude money. Dude says no cause his mama raised him right. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.

#4 I’ve Never Had That

You overhear a dude’s order. It sounds delicious. You say, ‘Is that good? I’ve never had that.’ Dude can’t believe you’ve never had (drink you’ve totally had). Dude insist he get you one. Dude says, ‘bartender make it two’. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.

#5 Game on bitch

Challenge him. Guys are competitive by nature. If there is a game nearby, most likely it’ll be darts. Approach him and say, “Hey, you up for a game? Loser buys drinks.” Then you just have to win. I kid, I kid, you don’t have to win. 90% of dudes are chivalrous enough to insist on purchasing the round regardless of the outcome. The other 10% are too short sighted to see the big picture win.

#6 Seem Really Bored

Guys love to swoop in and rescue a bored lil’ lady.

#7 Have Fun

Guys love to swoop in on a super fun lady.

#8 You Approach Him

I know, I know. Guys love a chase. Guys love girls who never give them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve been caught. I know that shit works but I also know it’s exhausting.

Which is why I’m a much bigger fan of the approach him method. There is a special power in not giving a shit. In walking straight up to a dude, tapping him on the shoulder and saying, ‘excuse me sir but I really like your face and well…buy me a drink or lose me forever.’

99.9983% of the time, that works every time. I picked up my dude in this very fashion which is why whenever he says something along the lines of ‘you are a crazy person,’ I retort with, ‘AH-DOYYY, pretty sure you knew that when you met me.’

But if that’s not your style then here are some more subtle approaches:

Ask for his expert opinion: Cheesy and transparent when guys use this approach but roles reversed, extremely effective. Guys are natural problem solvers, it plays to their ego. Start in with something like, ‘I’m sorry, this is so dumb, but my friend and I are having an argument and you look like someone who might know something about (insert anything this dude could have an opinion about).

Compliment him: Girls are constantly on the defense about compliments because they are used to getting hit on. Guys on the other hand are usually genuinely flattered. ‘Hi. You are very handsome.’  Thatsssss it.

Fall for him: Or rather into him. This is a total grade school move, but by god if it doesn’t work. Your friend pushes you, you trip, you accidentally hit him with your purse, any of those things. And then you’re like, ‘oh no, I’m so sorry. Are you ok? Did I spill on you? Bee-tee-dubs I’m Jamie.

Drop something: Yup, I said it. Go ahead and pull the most classic and utterly offensive of all female tropes – the damsel in distress. “Whoopsies, I dropped my purse. Oh no, it spilt everywhere. What’s a girl to do?” I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t put this out there in the world if it weren’t so astonishingly effective.

Say pretty much anything: Unless you say something horrifyingly creepy, what you say upon approaching really doesn’t matter that much. You have a vagina, remember? Here’s an example, ‘Excuse me, do you have a cat?‘ No, why? ‘Cause I’m allergic to cats so that would be a deal breaker. Hi, I’m Jamie.

End of Lesson One

In all honesty, I feel real shitty about writing this post. Not only do I feel like I just set feminism back fifty years but these games we play with the opposite sex, although very very fun, they’re kind of assholey. But in my defense I never said I was a good person…

I Regret Nothing:

Inspiration Lush

inspiration lush

Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush

Inspiration Lush

 * I’m not comparing women to underage animals. It’s just a metaphor. Don’t ruin it with your logic.

Once Upon a Tom Cruise

May 30, 2014 § 2 Comments

Tom Cruise Wants To Go On a Date With You, He Isn’t Your Type But He Wins You Over With His Charm

"Risky Business" (1983) Tom Cruise Photo Credit: Shootign Star Archives

Tom Cruise Makes You Laugh, You Try Not To Get Attached But You Can’t Help It, There’s Just Something About Him

Risky Business Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise Makes You Feel Like Maybe This Love Thing Isn’t All BS

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise Gives You Butterflies, Starts to Make You Feel Whole

Tom Cruise Handsome

Tom Cruise Introduces You as His Girlfriend

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise Suddenly Grows Distant, Stops Asking You How Your Day Was

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise Gets Easily Agitated, Starts Being Critical of Your Outfits

Jealous Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise Starts Picking Fights For No Reason

Tom Cruise Jack Reacher

Tom Cruise Comes Home Late and is Dismissive When You Ask Where He’s Been

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise Says, It’s Over, Asks You to Leave, Says There is Nothing Left to Say

Tom Cruise - Hand in your face

Tom Cruise Misses You, Thinks About What He Could Have Done Differently

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise Regrets What He Said, Wants You Back Now

Tom Cruise Crying

Tom Cruise Doesn’t Know How To Live Without You

fhd013RBS_Tom_Cruise_077

Tom Cruise Asks Dustin Hoffman How To Win You Back

Rainman / Tom Cruise / Dustin Hoffman

 Hoffman Thinks Maybe a New Hair Style Will Work

Tom Cruise Bad Hair

Tom Cruise Likes All Your Posts in Hopes He’ll Get Your Attention

Tom Cruise Top Gun

Tom Cruise Says, Baby, I’m Sorry, Just Give Me a Chance to Make this Right. I Can Make This Right.

Tom Cruise

 Tom Cruise Seems Different This Time Around

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise Will Never Take You For Granted Again

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise Stretches Before He Enters You

Tom Cruise Flexible

Tom Cruise Is Now The Father of Your Babies, He’s Such a Good Dad

Tom Cruise and Suri

The End. TOM CRUISE FOR-EVA EVA AFTER

Tom Cruise

 

Quotastic

May 2, 2014 § Leave a comment

How ’bout we take it easy with a lil’ quote for this lovely Friday.

Here ya go – one of my favs, just for you:

There’s a little boy and on his 14th birthday he gets a horse…and everybody in the village says, “How wonderful. The boy got a horse” And the Zen master says, “We’ll see.” Two years later, the boy falls off the horse, breaks his leg, and everyone in the village says, “How terrible.” And the Zen master says, “We’ll see.” Then, a war breaks out and all the young men have to go off and fight…except the boy can’t cause his legs all messed up and everybody in the village says, “How wonderful.”

Now the Zen master says, “We’ll see.”

– Charlie Wilson’s War

Friday Mash-Up:

Poodle Looking Out / Inspiration Lush

Morning Commute / Inspiration Lush

Roller Skating / Inspiration Lush

Model / Inspiration Lush

Quote / Inspiration Lush

Head Against The Wall / Inspiration Lush

Laughing on Couch / Inspiration Lush

Swimming Pool / Inspiration Lush

dog hug

Street Sign High Five

Hamster Soul Mate / Inspiration Lush

What Did I Miss? Tell Me.

April 28, 2014 § Leave a comment

Oh wait, that’s not how this works. Ok then I’ll give you some things I’ve been into lately.

This:

Next time your crippling insecurities make you feel like shoving spoonfuls of frosting into your mouth watch this. Then go ahead and do the frosting thing anyways because frosting is delicious.

But be sure you remember: No matter what you look like someone out there would love to plant his face in your XXX.

And This:

This is lovely. Play on repeat.

Also This:

Kind of like heroine. I have no idea how heroine works. Most likely not the same at all. What I meant by that is I’ve been binge watching this show via Netflix. So good.

Legit Show / Jim Jefferies / Inspiration Lush

Shhh…it’ll be over soon. Just a couple more.

And Then There is This:

Just to be clear I prefer dicks that are still attached but nonetheless – excellent exhibit, excellent documentary.

I only star dick pics.

And Lastly, This Dog Says ‘Fuck it':

Dog Says Fuck It / Inspiration Lush

Now what? Guess that’s all for now.

As always I’ll miss you.

Love Your Vodka Guzzling Lunatic and Best Friend Forever,

Sweet Baby Jamie

xoxoxoxoxo

I’m Not Being Very Helpful:

Pour it on your face / Inspiration Lush

Light Quotes / Inspiration Lush

Perishable - Freezer Section / Inspiration Lush

Not Everyone Knows How To Pretend / Inspiration Lush

Lady Winking

Tension  / Inspiration Lush

Floating Girl / Inspiration Lush

Romantic Kiss / Inspiration Lush

Burn It / Inspiration Lush

Flipping Off / Giving the Bird / Gif / Inspiration Lush

I Genuinely Have Nothing to Say

March 6, 2014 § 8 Comments

But I don’t know. I just missed you guys, I guess.

So little to say…maybe I shouldn’t have even written this post?

I did, though.

I'm so bored gif

Ok, here’s the plan. We drink. And that’s the plan.

So, m’babes, let’s get together and pop open a bottle of wine. Just grab your Caloric Cuvee glass. Oh? You don’t have one?

Don’t touch me. Monster.

Fine. I’ll introduce you. Behold – the Caloric Cuvee wine glass. LOOK AT IT!

Caloric Cuvee

Maybe you should take a closer look. ENHANCE. ENHANCE. ENHANCE. And I’ll add a tiny model! Ok, now look!

Caloric Cuvee

You can fill it to the calorie marks, super helpful, or you can fill it so high that the feelings you usually reserve for your dream journal spill out into real life.

Pre-tay sweet. And I’m not just saying that cause this super cool company sent me some free shit. I am not above selling out. Trust. But these glasses are actually freakin’ adorable. And you can totally get in on this. Just leave a comment below letting me know why wine is your favorite beverage. And if it isn’t, lie.

Then I’ll choose my favorite (sexual favors encouraged) and Caloric Cuvee will send you a free glass to call your own. Boo-ya! Biz-natches! Don’t say I never gave you anything. AND EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!

Now look at the pictures.

Someone Buy My Blog…

Hi Five

Yay!

laying in the street

Champagne in the street

jumping on the bed

confetti

double fisting it

Dog with sunglasses

In bed

Relaxing in this tree

Wine boobs

Wine Glass

Stuff That Matters as Much as Other Shit You Read on the Internet

February 18, 2014 § 7 Comments

Pictures I found, mostly on the world wide web, and then put words under.

Cause Why Not:

Dog on roof

There goes my hero, watch him as he goes.

Vandalism / Car

YOU NEVER PLAY WITH MY HAIR!!

Dog Astronaut

One time I ate chicken for all 3 meals. 

Jesus break dancing

John 8:32

Bear on a couch

Baby girl is upset because her flat screen is on backorder.

Booty game too strong / engrish

Think about it.

beyonce dancing

Dance like everyone still has a flip phone.

Neck Wrestling

And they say romance is dead.

Kaitlyn Weaver & Andrew Poje show passion on ice

Wait. What was I doing?

Drinking Gif

My name is Jamie and I like the taste of alcohol. 

Happy Dog

Have a magical day, you beautiful beautiful people.

My Superbowl Predictions

January 31, 2014 § 1 Comment

I’m super excited for Sunday! I don’t actually give a shit about the football part I’m just excited for the day drinking! I support any and all causes that make getting drunk before noon socially acceptable. I also support anything that is supremely popular because I don’t like to be left out.

Now for my Superbowl Sunday predictions:

I predict that Peyton’s brother, Eli, will start drinking a little too fast early on in the day and he’ll start annoying everyone by sticking that giant foam, We’re #1, finger in people’s faces. And one of Peyton’s friends will be like, ‘yo, cut it out!’ and Eli will be like, ‘easy breezy dude, just trying to have a good time’ but he’ll really be thinking, ‘who the fuck brought this guy?‘ and then slowly but surely Eli will get way too drunk like he always does. And Eli won’t even care or apologize to Cooper (Peyton’s youngest brother) who will have to miss the last quarter of the game to look after him when he gets sick.

And then Cooper will tell Peyton what happened and when Peyton brings it up to Eli, Eli will be like, ‘sorry man‘ but it won’t be a real apology because Eli never owns up to anything. And Peyton will feel like Eli doesn’t truly support him but he’ll choose to just drop it because no one, not even Eli, is going to ruin his special day.

And then months will pass and it’ll seem like Peyton and Eli are totally cool but then on Thanksgiving it’ll come up again. And this time it’s in front of pop-pop, who hates it when the boys fight. And Eli will try to avoid the issue by making Peyton seem petty. He’ll say something like, ‘oh, here we go again Peyton, let’s hear it’.

And Peyton will be so frustrated he’ll shut himself in the bathroom because he just needs a moment to himself and he’ll cry a little and Peyton hardly ever cries. And Eli will hear him and know on some level, deep down, he really is sorry but he doesn’t know how to say it. Then Peyton will pull himself together and head back to the table without another word because he just wants to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner like a normal family.

Years later Eli will work through his issues with a therapist and in a joint session between him and Peyton he’ll finally apologize and this time he’ll mean it.

We’re On Each Other’s Team

Peyton Manning / Eli Manning

Peyton and Eli Manning

Archie Peyton Eli Manning

Peyton and Eli Manning

Eli Manning Peyton Manning

Peyton Cooper and Eli Manning Old Photo

Jamie’s Unsolicited Advice Column

August 28, 2013 § Leave a comment

Gather ’round folks, I’m going to heal all your problems.

Although to be honest I’m not really that great at giving advice. So how about I offer you some life lessons by showing you exactly what not to do. If you are not not doing these things then you are fucking up.

Let’s begin. Look at me. I mean REALLY look at me. Right in my god damn soul cause I’m going to explain to you how to not fuck yourself over. Learn from my opposite example.

Ways I fuck myself over…

Constantly Distracting Myself From My Life:

I have a lot of feelings and I listen to none of them. On several occasions I’ve been told I’m extremely self aware, oddly so even. But I’m doing this social experiment where I see how far I can get in life without ever acknowledging those feelings. It’s an unpaid study.

Some healthy individuals might say, ‘But Jamie, if you don’t acknowledge how you feel then how can you make important life decisions?” And I would say, “fuck dem’ people” or I’d pretend they were talking to someone just to the right of me.

But don’t worry I don’t actually need to make life decisions because I’m not what people would call a “planner”. I’m more of a go with the flow type gal, kind of like a Buddhist but with significantly less morals. Overall I’m hopeful things will work out because I’m in denial. But if for some crazy reason things actually don’t work out then I’ll always have my slow and steady descent into alcoholism to fall back on.

Take-Away Lesson: Listen to your gut

Talking to People:

When socializing I have two distinct modes:

1 – Not talking at all

2 – Shut the fuck up, Jamie

Shut the fuck up, Jamie. Can then be divided into two subcategories:

(a)  I’m going to say one worthwhile or interesting comment and immediately follow that up with – Did I just quote Toy Story? – Oh. God. Am I still talking?  Always keep um’ guessing..?

and

(b) Oh, hello friend and here are all my secrets. Tell me every single detail about your day. Every person you’ve ever loved. Tell me about your best hug ever. Ends with a force-hug. Followed by vomit.

Take-Away Lesson: Don’t get stuck talking to me

Being Generally Mediocre While Having Big Fucking Dreams:

Unfortunately I have no daddy issues to excuse my ‘hold me and tell me I’m pretty – WHY WON’T YOU MOTHERFUCKERS JUST LOVE ME!’ behavior. I’m just a small town girl full of delusion and false hope. I really wish my parents would have taken time out of their day to beat me. If that were the case then I wouldn’t be running around having dreams like some self entitled asshole.

One day when I have kids I’m going to do them a solid. When at some point disappointment creeps into their lives, which it will, I won’t tell them “not to worry or to try harder next time.” I’ll hold their little shoulders, look deep in their eyes, pause for a moment before saying, “You’re not special…no, no don’t feel bad, really hardly anyone is. I love you a silly amount for a person to love another person and although you are life-shatteringly special to me, to the world you will be ordinary. Painfully ordinary. But don’t give up my little loves, just lower the bar. Choose a small but obtainable dream that your skill set might actually be able to accomplish.”

And I’ll never ask them about their “feelings” because naming those things just makes them harder to ignore. (If I end up adopting I’m going to have to delete this blog.)

Take-Away Lesson: Settle for less / Offer future generations more verbal abuse

Girl Meets Vodka:

If you need further explanation on this one, let’s go for a drink some time. Then you’ll see it’s not all fun and games. I mean sometimes it is. It’s Russian roulette really. Most of the time you’ll get loud screamy girl who fist-bumps through bars in an enthusiastic pitch only alcohol and years of annoying girl practice can produce. (Interesting Fact: Every drunk girl has the same drunk girl voice. Truth.)

But not to worry, simply add a few more drinks and loud screamy girl will be replaced with – Girl Who Hates Smiling and says things like, ‘Nice Northface, bitch’.  After that just sit back and watch the chaos ensue. 9 times out of 10 we’ll end our evening with a small kitchen fire. Good times to be had by all who don’t remember.

Take-Away Lesson: Make friends with people who get more blackout than you

I’m sorry if that wasn’t actually helpful. It wasn’t my intention to mislead you, only it was.

*Insert motivational movie montage here*

AND NOW YOU’RE READY! Go on child. We’ll get through today, we’ll get through tomorrow. It’s all gonna be ok. I love you. Amen.

Life Status – Just Scrolled Back For Cookies:

Up to bat

Reflection

Running through field

Tip Toes

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scarlett johansson crying

Chinese Food in the bath

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Window thoughts

Heart Why

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