July 12, 2013 § 1 Comment
I just got back from visiting Nashville for the first time. And let me tell you, that city is chaos. Every bar has an obnoxious over the top theme and is filled with drunk dudes wearing pants that are too tight alongside drunk girls wearing too much hairspray. The loud karaoke country music is unavoidable. Every time you turn around someone is handing you a shot of you whiskey and screaming ‘Merica. Drink till you fall down seems to be the city’s motto. It’s awesome.
How come ya’ll* never told me Nashville was so freakin’ sweet? And now I’m into big hair (actually I’ve always loved big hair) but now I’m into the big hair cowboy boots combo.
If you are thinking you are too ‘this coast’ or ‘that coast’ to be caught dead as a Taylor Swift look-a-like. Well then you have to ask yourself, what is life if not one big country song?** So never say never. That’s what fivel*** taught us.
It’s time for all of us to discover our hair’s full potential.
Tease It Up:
*I’ll now be including ya’ll into my vocabulary.
**Yeah I don’t know what that means either.
***Fivel is a young Russian mouse who starred in American Tale. He gets separated from his family and must find them while trying to survive in a new country. It’s great if you are 8 years old or probably even better if you are high as an adult. Not that I would know because I took D.A.R.E.
June 24, 2013 § 6 Comments
I’m standing at the corner of E. Randolph and Michigan Ave. in a part of Chicago known as the loop. I’m waiting for the bus. It’s January. If you’ve ever stood on a Chicago corner in the dead of Winter waiting for public transportation and decided to make a bold scream-cry declaration to absolutely no one in particular that, “YOU ARE MOVING TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE YOU AREN’T ABOUT TO DIE OUT HERE AND BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME FUCKING SENSE OF SELF PRESERVATION!” then you may have an idea of what I’m talking about. Or if you’ve ever woken up in a bathtub full of ice missing your kidneys then you might also have an idea.
This particular Chicago day was the coldest they had had in a decade. It was -9 before factoring in the wind chill and with the wind chill it was -33. Which is fucking cold, people. It’s real fucking cold.
Seconds before I found myself on that corner I had burst through the turnstile doors and ran for my mother-lovin’ life to catch the bus and I’d reached the stop just in time to miss it. The busses came in 15-minute intervals. Another 15-minutes, I thought to myself. Oh.God.No. I stumbled back into the corner of the bus stop overhang and huddled down, moving slowly to conserve heat.
15 minutes isn’t long if you are waiting at the bar for a late dinner guest or if you are paying for an awkward public massage at one of those mall kiosks but when you are freezing your fucking ass off 15 minutes is a lifetime. And the longer I waited the more the unapologetic wind that whipped off the lake to bitch slap me in the face felt less like the elements and more like a metaphor for my life.
A gentlemen sauntered up to the bus stop. He offered me a reassuring look of encouragement as if to say, ‘Don’t worry. It’ll all be ok…maybe.’ It was a welcome distraction. I returned his gesture with a nonchalant nod meaning, ‘Crazy weather we’re having but what can you do? Also, are we going to die out here sir?’ Only a few minutes had passed and I was already about to break.
Next a woman wearing a jacket made completely of luxurious dead animal fur joined us. Now I know killing animals for the sake of fashion is something that should be avoided but as I stared at this woman I noticed she looked slightly less cold than the rest of us. And I have to admit if a beautiful rare silver fox had suddenly appeared before me I might have slaughtered it for the sole purpose of warming my hands inside its dying carcass.
Somewhere in between my daydreams about murdering innocent woodland creatures and the bus arriving is where I made my scream-cry declaration to move back to California. Under normal circumstances my two fellow commuters would have most likely laughed politely and shifted away from the small psychopath who makes life decisions by yelling them to strangers but we had just endured the same cruel 15-minute fate which means we had bonded in a way that would typically have taken several months of forced awkward small talk. So my new friends were oddly reassuring and made an effort to make me feel as if I had correctly panicked.
And then the bus pulled up and just like that we were saved. Once aboard, it was clear I wasn’t going to die but it was also clear that I would be moving back back to Cali Cali.
Beautiful Cold Chicago. I Love You But You’re A Cold Hearted Bitch:
April 5, 2013 § Leave a comment
I love the shit out of girl’s weekends! Here’s how its going down. First we gonna have a slumber party, then we gonna have a mother lovin’ tea party, then we gonna do some fancy spa shit and then you know what happens next whoo-whoo, awww yeah!
Vegas, baby, Vegas.
So there you have it, I’m out to fulfill my destiny of being the loud screamy girl. And you my friend, you have a blasty blast of a weekend as well. I’ll miss you.
Happy Bachelorette Weekend Sissy!
December 21, 2012 § 1 Comment