My Superbowl Predictions

January 31, 2014 § 1 Comment

I’m super excited for Sunday! I don’t actually give a shit about the football part I’m just excited for the day drinking! I support any and all causes that make getting drunk before noon socially acceptable. I also support anything that is supremely popular because I don’t like to be left out.

Now for my Superbowl Sunday predictions:

I predict that Peyton’s brother, Eli, will start drinking a little too fast early on in the day and he’ll start annoying everyone by sticking that giant foam, We’re #1, finger in people’s faces. And one of Peyton’s friends will be like, ‘yo, cut it out!’ and Eli will be like, ‘easy breezy dude, just trying to have a good time’ but he’ll really be thinking, ‘who the fuck brought this guy?‘ and then slowly but surely Eli will get way too drunk like he always does. And Eli won’t even care or apologize to Cooper (Peyton’s youngest brother) who will have to miss the last quarter of the game to look after him when he gets sick.

And then Cooper will tell Peyton what happened and when Peyton brings it up to Eli, Eli will be like, ‘sorry man‘ but it won’t be a real apology because Eli never owns up to anything. And Peyton will feel like Eli doesn’t truly support him but he’ll choose to just drop it because no one, not even Eli, is going to ruin his special day.

And then months will pass and it’ll seem like Peyton and Eli are totally cool but then on Thanksgiving it’ll come up again. And this time it’s in front of pop-pop, who hates it when the boys fight. And Eli will try to avoid the issue by making Peyton seem petty. He’ll say something like, ‘oh, here we go again Peyton, let’s hear it’.

And Peyton will be so frustrated he’ll shut himself in the bathroom because he just needs a moment to himself and he’ll cry a little and Peyton hardly ever cries. And Eli will hear him and know on some level, deep down, he really is sorry but he doesn’t know how to say it. Then Peyton will pull himself together and head back to the table without another word because he just wants to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner like a normal family.

Years later Eli will work through his issues with a therapist and in a joint session between him and Peyton he’ll finally apologize and this time he’ll mean it.

We’re On Each Other’s Team

Peyton Manning / Eli Manning

Peyton and Eli Manning

Archie Peyton Eli Manning

Peyton and Eli Manning

Eli Manning Peyton Manning

Peyton Cooper and Eli Manning Old Photo

THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!

May 9, 2013 § 5 Comments

Rules, Thoughts & Questions I Have When Playing With Children:

  • How much glitter is too much glitter?
  • Will there be alcoholic beverages in your fort? If not, can I BYOB? And if the answer to that is no, then my answer is also no. No, I would not like to play in your fort.
  • I’ll do my best to censor myself but if I accidentally let something slip then I reserve the right to apply the 5 second rule for take-backs. If I forget or am unable to call the 5 second rule, then and only then is your tattle tale-ing acceptable.
  • I’m good with children because yeah, I totally get where they are coming from. Why DOES Allie get all the cool toys while we are stuck over here with this stupid play-dough??
  • Do you have any gummy bears?
  • I agree the dark is super spooky! And yeah absolutely its possible there’s a monster under the bed or in the closet but most likely BOTH!!
  • Cherish these moments cause when you cry on the floor in public places as an adult they don’t call it a tantrum, they call the cops.
  • I know for a fact I know more than you cause you’re a virgin. So there.
  • Can I borrow that headband?
  • Do you think they make your dress in my size?
  • I’d rather not see the world through a child’s eyes cause that means I’m stuck staring at crotches all day.
  • You must tell me your skin care regimen. Your skin is amazing. I must have your face. Give it to me.
  • I also eat baby food. It’s technically normal food but since I’m crying the entire time I think it still counts.

P.S. You little ones are the future. So I would like to respectfully ask that you do your best to un-fuck everything in the world we’ve fucked so far. I know that’s a lot to ask but I have full faith in all of you.

Suri, When Are We Hanging Out? Text Me:

Suri Cruz

Child with sassy face

Kids Old Man Costume / Halloween

Colorlicious Kids

Kids at Play

Kid Fishing

Happy little girl

Where The Wild Things Are / Kids Costume

My Little Pony Meme

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