April 28, 2014 § Leave a comment
Oh wait, that’s not how this works. Ok then I’ll give you some things I’ve been into lately.
Next time your crippling insecurities make you feel like shoving spoonfuls of frosting into your mouth watch this. Then go ahead and do the frosting thing anyways because frosting is delicious.
But be sure you remember: No matter what you look like someone out there would love to plant his face in your
This is lovely. Play on repeat.
Kind of like heroine. I have no idea how heroine works. Most likely not the same at all. What I meant by that is I’ve been binge watching this show via Netflix. So good.
Shhh…it’ll be over soon. Just a couple more.
And Then There is This:
Just to be clear I prefer dicks that are still attached but nonetheless – excellent exhibit, excellent documentary.
I only star dick pics.
And Lastly, This Dog Says ‘Fuck it':
Now what? Guess that’s all for now.
As always I’ll miss you.
Love Your Vodka Guzzling Lunatic and Best Friend Forever,
Sweet Baby Jamie
I’m Not Being Very Helpful:
March 14, 2013 § 7 Comments
February 20, 2013 § 2 Comments
I am really hurting here people. Yesterday something horrific happened. I received a package from Staples (that’s not the horrific part), this is – when I opened this package inside was a live….COCKROACH!
I didn’t order 3 binders, a set of assorted colored gel pens and one giant cockroach? I don’t know how it got there?!
Maybe a disgruntled Staples employee had a workplace accident but the insurance guy ruled in the company’s favor. And now this employee is left with endless hospital bills and a thankless job. So when he went back to work on the assembly line he screamed, ‘EVERYBODY GET OUT I NEED A MINUTE’. And as soon as the room had cleared he started placing cockroach after cockroach into every single delivery, the whole time laughing and laughing and laughing. But this is just small potatoes cause he’s planning on taking down the whole operation! I don’t know all the details? I’m still trying to piece it together myself?!
Or maybe that’s not it at all.
Maybe the cockroach entered the box on his own free will. Maybe he told his pregnant cockroach wife and his 3,000 cockroach children that he was going out for smokes but really he thought, ‘I’m gonna blow this pop-stand!’ and hopped an outgoing delivery to freedom. And you may smugly think: what a dead-beat dad; but you haven’t even heard his side of the story. He knows he should hang in there, he knows its wrong but he’s wearing thin. ‘You don’t know everything that goes into raising 3,000 baby cockroaches’, he says! Finally he got to a point where he couldn’t even remember his own name and the rest of his life flashed before his eyes and thats when he finally cracked!
I told you, I DON’T KNOW? But what I do know is for some horrible reason that cockroach is holding my school supplies hostage. And I’m assuming he will continue to do so until I adhere to all his demands (which he’ll most likely slip under my door once I fall asleep).
And even though this cockroach is clearly trespassing I refuse to kill anything even if it is a vile and ugly (and most likely mean-spirited). So I did the humane thing and put another box over that box. For now, my plan is to just wait it out until he goes crazy from solitude and eventually takes his own life.
Or I’ll wait until someone braver comes by and I’ll politely ask them to set him free outside.
I don’t know how I got here, this got a little weird…but thanks for your support.
I’m Not Angry, I’m Just Really Disappointed In You – Staples or Disgruntled Employee or Absentee Father Cockroach:
I felt a little self-conscious about this post because it fully exposes my weirdness, so I decided to send it to my little brother before posting. He gave me several very useful suggestions that I fully appreciated but didn’t use at all. Actually I’ll just paste the conversation here so you get what I’m talking about.
January 23, 2013 § 3 Comments
I have some questions that I can’t ask the internet or that I asked the internet and the answer was inconclusive. I’m flying blind here and I’m not sure who to turn to. If you happen to be an authority of some kind and know any of these answers please tell me. Tell me now.
- Do kids still learn cursive?
- Why won’t Ken propose to Barbie?
- Aren’t acronyms just initials and initials just acronyms?
- When are fanny packs going to officially come back in?
- Why isn’t everyone obsessed with narwhals?
- Which one is the pretty sister – MK or Ashley?
- Is it just me or does Ryan Gosling look a little Methy*?
- Do you want me to tell you where it hurts?
- Is your accent real? Is anyones real?
- Are boner jokes funnier than fart jokes?
Is it true any exposure is good exposure?
- Can you get pregnant from kissing?
- Who would win in a fight – Conan O’Brien or Jon Stewart?
- Who would win in a dance fight – Conan O’Brien or Jon Stewart?
- Will someone carry me home?
Let’s Just Remember At One Point, I Was Funny:
*One who looks as if they have just come off a methamphetamine bender.
January 16, 2013 § 4 Comments
December 21, 2012 § 1 Comment
December 6, 2012 § 1 Comment
Eventually when I do my first stint in rehab, I’ll get to the part where I have to apologize to all the people I’ve wronged in my life. Instead of putting it off, I’ve decided to take a moment and get one out of the way now.
Dear Little Brother,
As you know most of the time I get over shit pretty quickly. Mostly cause I’m such a reasonable person but more mostly cause my memory is really bad. Yet there is one very un-fun memory that has always stuck with me. What I’m trying to say is; I’m sorry that my dick-head friends duct taped you and locked you in the closet that one time I threw a party.
I’ve always felt really bad that I wasn’t watching you closer or that I hadn’t bribed you to spend the night at a friend’s house. I had hoped you buried the memory so far deep down inside that you completely forgot but since you weren’t actually that young, there’s a good chance you didn’t.
Unless you don’t know what I’m talking about and if that’s the case – then this is a weird joke??! Huh?!
And while I’m at it…MB, the most wonderful person in the world, I’m sorry I ditched you that one time in the 6th grade, that was really fucked up of me.
Anyways, I love both of you more than outer-space and Facebook combined. Please, forgive me otherwise I’ll pass-out and die. And then come back to haunt you as an evil version of myself.
We Hug Now?