March 14, 2013 § 7 Comments
February 20, 2013 § 2 Comments
I am really hurting here people. Yesterday something horrific happened. I received a package from Staples (that’s not the horrific part), this is – when I opened this package inside was a live….COCKROACH!
I didn’t order 3 binders, a set of assorted colored gel pens and one giant cockroach? I don’t know how it got there?!
Maybe a disgruntled Staples employee had a workplace accident but the insurance guy ruled in the company’s favor. And now this employee is left with endless hospital bills and a thankless job. So when he went back to work on the assembly line he screamed, ‘EVERYBODY GET OUT I NEED A MINUTE’. And as soon as the room had cleared he started placing cockroach after cockroach into every single delivery, the whole time laughing and laughing and laughing. But this is just small potatoes cause he’s planning on taking down the whole operation! I don’t know all the details? I’m still trying to piece it together myself?!
Or maybe that’s not it at all.
Maybe the cockroach entered the box on his own free will. Maybe he told his pregnant cockroach wife and his 3,000 cockroach children that he was going out for smokes but really he thought, ‘I’m gonna blow this pop-stand!’ and hopped an outgoing delivery to freedom. And you may smugly think: what a dead-beat dad; but you haven’t even heard his side of the story. He knows he should hang in there, he knows its wrong but he’s wearing thin. ‘You don’t know everything that goes into raising 3,000 baby cockroaches’, he says! Finally he got to a point where he couldn’t even remember his own name and the rest of his life flashed before his eyes and thats when he finally cracked!
I told you, I DON’T KNOW? But what I do know is for some horrible reason that cockroach is holding my school supplies hostage. And I’m assuming he will continue to do so until I adhere to all his demands (which he’ll most likely slip under my door once I fall asleep).
And even though this cockroach is clearly trespassing I refuse to kill anything even if it is a vile and ugly (and most likely mean-spirited). So I did the humane thing and put another box over that box. For now, my plan is to just wait it out until he goes crazy from solitude and eventually takes his own life.
Or I’ll wait until someone braver comes by and I’ll politely ask them to set him free outside.
I don’t know how I got here, this got a little weird…but thanks for your support.
I’m Not Angry, I’m Just Really Disappointed In You – Staples or Disgruntled Employee or Absentee Father Cockroach:
I felt a little self-conscious about this post because it fully exposes my weirdness, so I decided to send it to my little brother before posting. He gave me several very useful suggestions that I fully appreciated but didn’t use at all. Actually I’ll just paste the conversation here so you get what I’m talking about.