10 Things I’ve Given Up On
July 24, 2013 § 7 Comments
I have nothing left to offer to the following:
1. Becoming an Adult
They say you become an adult when you start taking care of someone else. If that’s true then I reached adulthood at the ripe age of 8 after becoming Hammy the hamster’s foster mother. Let’s not dwell on the fact Hammy died in a cruel toilet seat accident. I’d go into details but I’m not emotionally ready. I’m just hoping one day I’ll be wandering around in a drunken stupor and stumble into adulthood. That’s how everything else in my life has happened thus far. Actually I’m pretty sure that’s how everyone transitions. But who the fuck knows?
2. Using Words Correctly
I misuse words all the time. I’d like to think most words are interchangeable. Although I’m very aware they are not. The reason I’m very aware of this is because of the numerous grammer (or is it grammar?) correctors I’ve encounter in my life. People who love grammar, hate me. I apologize for being insensitive but I should let all the grammar correctors out there know that the feeling is mutual. I’m a writer not an editor. Plus, I think all those squiggly red lines add to my paragraphs like a beautiful garnish.
3. Looking Good in Shorts
I’ll never look good in shorts. But I’ll wear them anyways cause it’s hot yo. That’s how much I don’t care.
4. Not Drinking During the Week
Do you know how many Monday’s I’ve told myself I wasn’t going to drink during the week? All of them. Every Monday. At best it’ll last till Wednesday. Or on very rare occasions I’ll make it to Thursday. But when that happens I’ll be so proud of myself l’ll end up tripling my Friday intake. So let’s be real. Working all week without drinking – it’s unpleasant and unnecessary.
5. Watching Movies Over 2 Hours
Blame it on my ADD. I can’t control that.
6. Being Fashionably Late
Totally uncool of me but I’d rather be on time. Being late just isn’t my thing. It’s not how I’m programmed. I’d much rather show up on time or even 15 minutes early. So I’m sorry lovely party hosts who may feel awkward as they finish blow drying their hair but at least I can help set out the hor d’evours, right?
7. Not Petting Stranger’s Dogs
If you leave your dog tied up outside of anywhere. I will pet it. Maybe one day I’ll get bitten and learn my lesson to not engage with sharp-toothed animals with nowhere to flee but until that happens, your dog is getting pet by a stranger. This stranger.
8. Being Breezy
When I’m excited about something I am not what you would call ‘breezy’. I envy people who can hide their emotions. But for me personally, restraint isn’t really my thing. If you tell me your Uncle is sorta-kinda friends with Will Ferrell. I won’t casually disregard your comment like the cool kids do. I will be all up in your face , like – HOLY SHIT, NO FUCKING WAY and before you know it I’ll be tagging you in a post as Will Ferrell’s BFF. How embarrassing for you that you thought I’d keep that shit to myself.
9. Censoring Myself
I haven’t completely given up trying to filter the stupid shit that comes out of my mouth but I’m definitely more realistic about it. Like what, you may be asking. Nothing in particular. Oh. Fine. It’s suicide jokes. Or really an array of desperate unsavory jokes that happen to pop into my head. I would also like to apologize in advance for any outdated ‘that’s what she said’ comments. But sometimes (usually) it’s a lot fucking worse than that. Basically I’m absolutely charming.
10. Going Out For Just One Drink
I know from experience that’s not a thing. Never happens. When I say those words out-loud my inner voice laughs at me. Yes I have an inner voice and if you must know she sounds like an Asian mother. Which is weird cause my Father is actually the Asian one.
Like I Said Before Failing Is The New Making It: