Trust Me, I’m an Orange Belt
November 7, 2012 § 1 Comment
Jamie’s Survival Guide – #1
Caught in an Avalanche:
- Start a swimming motion immediately. Your body is much denser than snow, so you’ll start to sink as you get carried downhill.
- Create an air pocket. As soon as you stop moving, punch as hard and fast as you can to remove the snow away from your face.
- Wait for help. The more you move, the more risk you have of losing your air supply.
- If you are sure no one is coming. Spit. This will tell you which way is up vs down.
- Start digging upwards, carefully and at an angle. Do not dig directly up, the snow will cave in on you.
- Don’t hang out with anyone who seems too ‘rapey’. i.e. Professional basketball players / frat johnnies / Eastern Europeans
- Take a picture of your date and email it to all the contacts in your phone with the subject line, ‘Rapey McGee’. That way if things get rapey you can forward him the email. If the date goes well, he’ll appreciate you being proactive about rape prevention.
A Crocodile Attack:
- There is no way to survive a crocodile attack.
A Bear Attack:
- Don’t run, you’ll just die tired.
- Play dead, drop on the ground in the fetal position, cover your head and neck. Grizzly bears will stop attacking if they no longer feel threatened.
- Do not climb a tree. Black bears are excellent climbers.
- Make yourself look as large as possible and be as loud as possible.
- If the bear does not back down, you’re going to have to go all Chris Brown on his ass.
How to Break Down a Door:
- Check the hinges to see which way the door opens, it it opens towards you then its a lost cause. If not, then proceed.
- Typically the weakest part of the door is near the keyhole. Use the heel of your foot to front kick the door. Jump kicks are not recommended because of how stupid you’ll look when you fail (and also because it will diminish stability which will result in less power).